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"Once I'm Skinny..."

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Old 11-06-2013, 06:34 PM   #1
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I've always said things to myself like, "Oh, I'll do that once I'm skinny.."

Things like going places, going on vacation, or going to the beach.
I feel like since I'm not one of the pretty thin girls.. that I won't have a good time or enjoy things.
Does anyone else feel this way?
There's always a voice in the back of my head saying,
"Someone might make fun of you... You're just too big to do that."

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Old 11-06-2013, 06:43 PM   #2
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I used to feel that way, Ashley, but I don't anymore. Over 25 years ago I did some bigtime soul-searching and embraced the concept of fat acceptance. I accepted myself as a fat woman, started loving myself as a fat woman, and chose to be beautiful as a fat woman. I did it with the help of some books, the most important of which was Susie Orbach's Fat is a Feminst Issue. The only reason I'm losing weight now is because of some health issues that have come up as I've gotten older.

But I do know how you feel...believe me! I was miserable when I felt that way. Miserable enough that I got severely depressed. I don't ever want to go back there. Acceptance of myself—whether I'm fat, old, wrinkled, whatever—is my way of life.
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Old 11-06-2013, 10:20 PM   #3
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I definitely know how you feel. I avoid social events at least partly because of my weight. I have social anxiety disorder, too, so that makes it even harder to do things. I avoid trips unless I have to go. When I do have to go on a vacation or go to a conference, I'll pressure myself to lose weight - which I never do - and then I'm miserable.
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Old 11-07-2013, 12:21 AM   #4
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I feel exactly like that, Ashley.

I booked a trip back home to surprise my parents for Christmas three weeks ago. Since the second I clicked to buy my plane ticket, I've been caught between berating myself for not working harder to lose more weight before the flight and obsessing about will I fit in the seat and what looks am I going to get when I get on the plane and how harshly everyone will be judging me.

Then once I'm there.... I've gained a lot since I last saw my sister and her family. A ton since I've seen any of my old friends that still live back there. So do I avoid everyone and escape being ashamed of being seen like this, or do I forge ahead and try to quiet the "they're talking about you" voice later?

Think of how much more neurotic we'd all be if there really were a magical number on the scale that could fix everything.
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Old 11-07-2013, 03:28 AM   #5
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I feel the same way, but I'm slowly trying to get out of that mindset. I still want to lose weight in order for me to be completely comfortable in my body, but I don't want to lose out on doing things just because I'm fat.
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Old 11-07-2013, 05:41 AM   #6
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Always. The main one for me is that I won't be attractive to anyone or find love until I lose the weight, which is silly and irrational but it's still a deep rooted belief.
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Old 11-07-2013, 09:52 AM   #7
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ALWAYS feel that way. It's terrible once I'm skinny I'll wear high heels (since I feel like a gawky big person in them now), I'll wear a bikini, I'll be less shy and more outgoing, I'll get on top during sex (TMI, sorry, but when I do all I think is "agh my stomach looks so big like this!")

Would love to quiet those negative thoughts, and I'm working on it, but it's tough as we all know.
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Old 11-07-2013, 03:35 PM   #8
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citygirl89 Ohgod yes with the heels!!! I can wear mine, but my feet hurt so bad after a while with all the extra weight. I used to wear nothing but 4" heels all the time when I was thinner, so I know it's the extra pounds causing the problem.

For now, they're all lined up on the top shelf of my closet.
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Old 11-11-2013, 03:06 PM   #9
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I have felt all of these things. I am so ashamed of my body. I don't want to be naked in front of anyone, not even a doctor. It influnces where I go, what I do and causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel like everyone will judge me and call me lazy or weak. It causes pain daily. I worry no one will want to be seen in public with me.
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Old 11-11-2013, 03:34 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyFaith View Post
I've always said things to myself like, "Oh, I'll do that once I'm skinny.."

Things like going places, going on vacation, or going to the beach.
I feel like since I'm not one of the pretty thin girls.. that I won't have a good time or enjoy things.
Does anyone else feel this way?
There's always a voice in the back of my head saying,
"Someone might make fun of you... You're just too big to do that."

I could have posted this. Sweetie I put my entire life on hold when I was 228 lbs. I told myself that if I was just smaller, thinner, felt more confident about myself i would do things.

I haven't swam in 25 years, and it isn't gonna happen. I told myself I didn't do it because I was too fat for a swimsuit. Here I am at age 40, smaller than I have ever been since highschool, and I wont swim. Not so much because I feel so fat, but because now I have a saggy butt, saggy grandma arms, and cellulite in my upper thighs.

I spent my children's childhood behind the camera, taking a million pictures of them. Always volunteering to take the pic because I couldn't stand being in front of the camera. I have only one picture of me with one of my children at birth, and that was in the operating room. I tore up another pic because I hated the way I looked. I have birthday pics, holiday pics, tons of pictures. But, after looking at those pics on the computer and in the scrap book, I edited myself out of my children's life for the first 10 years because I was FAT. I have a dozen of pictures from my wedding, all the same picture cropped at different degrees. I chose it because i had a nice smile, my face didn't look as fat, and I could crop it chest up and it look ok. If I had been thinner and lost the weight before we married like I had wanted to I would have had a pretty dress, tons of happy smiling pictures.

I didn't want to see myself in those pictures. I was embarrassed. I always said well when I get smaller I will take a million pics. Well, I have missed capturing so many moments on film because of embarrassment of myself. I have pictures of my children with their grandparents, and my x, but none of me.

I told myself that when I was no longer fat I would have an entire new wardrobe because I couldn't stand to spend money on clothes that I used to hide myself. I spent 10 years with one pair of jeans and in boxy terrible shirts.

I told myself that when I was thin I would have tons of self confidence and make relationships and friends easy. I would take up some kind of activity that I had always wanted to do. Here I am over 50 lbs thinner and I still haven't done anything because I have no confidence to try anything new. I should have been working on that confidence before I got thin. As for friends, I don't have any real friends, just a few co-workers I speak with at work. I never did get thin enough to not feel self conscious about going out and doing things with other people afraid of looking stupid.

When I was thin I was going to apply for that job I wanted, that job that I watched others apply for and I knew I could do the work and do a better job..I was to embarrassed to dress up in clothes that would draw attention to me in my 200+ lb body. I watched someone else, even larger than I was, apply for that job I wanted and she got it. She is still in that job today and has tons of self confidence. A job like that would have helped me appreciate myself and gain self confidence, but I felt to self conscious and fat to work around all those pretty girls in the office.

I told myself that when I was thin I would love myself, be proud of myself, never put myself down..I can't stand to look at myself, I'm my own worst enemy. I still don't like myself, accept myself, or appreciate me.

I told myself that when my kids were grown and I lost the weight I might find love again, be happy, have a life, open up and care about someone, be desired by a man and have one that loves me completely and totally. Luckily for me my future husband didn't wait until I was thin. He courted me when I was at my heaviest. If I had stayed true to my list I would have missed out on the love of my life, the man that sees me for me and loves me. Loves me even in spite of me trying to convince him that he shouldn't.

I was so busy waiting to be thin, waiting to be happy, waiting to be valued, loved, and confident, that I have missed most of my life. I missed those special moments, those events that help build confidence and make memories. I edited myself out of my own life and just went thru the motions. I never got out from beyond the shadows.

As I type this it all sounds so easy to me, just get out there and have a life. Yet, now that I am thinner I just can't. Now I worry that maybe I am not small enough to be considered normal, or that someone will stare at me and think what is she doing? I am still not one of those pretty girls, thin or not I look at them and think what it would be like. How can life be so unfair? I don't see happy, thin, pretty, and popular, when I look in the mirror. I see enlarged pores, a nose that is too large on my face..thanks to someone pointing it out a couple years ago. I had thought it was my best feature, loved my profile. I turn bright red, sweat, heart races a mile a min. when I have to be around those pretty people. I hear people saying Look at her, shes too old, she too..anything. I've wasted so much time and I am still wasting time. Yet, I was this way fat, and I'm this way thinner.

to you. I know that it is so much easier for everyone to give advice, tell you to do things and have confidence etc. but I am telling you as someone whos in the same situation, I know what I know but I still can't do the things I want to do. I wish I had taken control of my life years ago.

Here's to you, the gorgeous, smart, and fun you, swimming at that beach in your lovely swimsuit making memories that will last a life time.
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Old 11-11-2013, 06:32 PM   #11
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Mainecyn, you are awesome! Thanks for making us realize we need to live now!
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Old 11-14-2013, 01:05 AM   #12
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Mainecyn, I have only been a member here for a few days. I've read a lot, but have been too shy and embarrassed about myself to post anything ... until I read your post. It made me cry

I hope as time goes on you find it within yourself to love yourself no matter what your weight or looks. I wish I had the words to make it better for you

I know I'm going to be saggy and look a lot older when I lose the weight I need to and (at the moment) I'm ok with that.
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Old 11-14-2013, 01:08 AM   #13
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Oh, I forgot to answer the topic, doh!
Once I'm skinny, I'm going to wear skin tight clothes because they look good and not because I really should buy the next size up!!

Last edited by sherble : 11-14-2013 at 01:09 AM. Reason: Correct some spelling
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Old 11-14-2013, 01:49 AM   #14
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Wow I feel like this all the time! I know they say you should live your life now no matter what size you are, but being overweight makes certain things more difficult and hurtful...
I know that body image/self image issues will still exist once I lose the weight, but being thinner will definitely make a lot of them disappear.
You're not alone in feeling this way at all!
I have a list of things I write down regularly that I want to do once I've lost weight... it helps keep me motivated!
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Old 11-14-2013, 08:00 AM   #15
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I have always felt this way. For me it's a lot of things I just never "fit" into. When I'm thin I'll want to go to movie theatres, sit in bath tubs, fly on airplanes, ride rollarcoasters all day, go to waterparks, go rockclimbing, run marathons, even go back to school (desks ah). In college I wanted to become a counsellor or nutritionalist of some kind, I didn't change majors because I didn't figure I could do that obese. I regret it now, I'm in a career I don't like and I feel like I have the heart to help other people like me. One day.
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