but again, I have no one to turn to in my "real life" so this is the only way I can try and find peace of mind.
I have always struggled with body image issues and don't have a healthy relationship with food at all. Even at a healthy weight/BMI, I'll still think I'm the fattest cow. This, in turn, makes me depressed and gives me anxiety.
I tried numerous antidepressants but they all cut off my sex drive completely and since I just moved in with my now fiance, I decided to try and deal with the depression/anxiety on my own to salvage our sex life.
We have been living together now for about 8 months, and we have sex 1-3 times a week on average. I found out this weekend that he has a porn habit that he's been keeping from me (I work 12 hour days, he's home by 5:30 every night.. I get up by 7 on weekends to go to the gym to lose weight, he sleeps in and never exercises) and now I am sick and beside myself. He won't tell me exactly what goes on, what he's looking at and how often, gives me conflicting answers, just says that it isn't a big deal and at least he's not cheating.
But to me, I am devastated. It's the lying that gets me. If it's no big deal, why wouldn't he tell me what type he's looking at and how often he looks at it? It makes me feel completely inadequate and insecure to think that he has a live body willing to have sex with him and he's in the other room watching porn.
I know in my heart it's a bigger deal than he's making it out to be. I've suspected it all along. But he's making me feel like a crazy insecure psycho. He even accused me of flirting because the cashier at Subway gave me a free cookie (no I'm not kidding! I can't even make this up) and said that's way worse and surely I'm out flirting with other guys too.
I've been with this person for 7 years and now I'm questioning so many things. It's terrifying.