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Old 09-23-2013, 11:07 AM   #1
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but again, I have no one to turn to in my "real life" so this is the only way I can try and find peace of mind.

I have always struggled with body image issues and don't have a healthy relationship with food at all. Even at a healthy weight/BMI, I'll still think I'm the fattest cow. This, in turn, makes me depressed and gives me anxiety.

I tried numerous antidepressants but they all cut off my sex drive completely and since I just moved in with my now fiance, I decided to try and deal with the depression/anxiety on my own to salvage our sex life.

We have been living together now for about 8 months, and we have sex 1-3 times a week on average. I found out this weekend that he has a porn habit that he's been keeping from me (I work 12 hour days, he's home by 5:30 every night.. I get up by 7 on weekends to go to the gym to lose weight, he sleeps in and never exercises) and now I am sick and beside myself. He won't tell me exactly what goes on, what he's looking at and how often, gives me conflicting answers, just says that it isn't a big deal and at least he's not cheating.

But to me, I am devastated. It's the lying that gets me. If it's no big deal, why wouldn't he tell me what type he's looking at and how often he looks at it? It makes me feel completely inadequate and insecure to think that he has a live body willing to have sex with him and he's in the other room watching porn.

I know in my heart it's a bigger deal than he's making it out to be. I've suspected it all along. But he's making me feel like a crazy insecure psycho. He even accused me of flirting because the cashier at Subway gave me a free cookie (no I'm not kidding! I can't even make this up) and said that's way worse and surely I'm out flirting with other guys too.

I've been with this person for 7 years and now I'm questioning so many things. It's terrifying.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:49 AM   #2
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It might be time to look into couples therapy. He should not be accusing you of flirting when you are just being a normal person. That is a huge red flag! It sounds like he is manipulating your insecurity to have the upper hand and that is not cool. Once upon a time I had a boyfriend who did that: made me crazy so I wouldn't notice that he was insane. Because I had a history of depression I believed him, and it wasn't until I left that I could see how much of my pain was inflicted by him.

As for porn ... well, all men look at porn and it's best not to ask too many questions. He may be hiding his habits because they are excessive and strange, but it's also possible that they are harmless and he's being vague because he's worried you will obsess over the answers. Unfortunately, his vagueness is only making you more and more worried so it's time he was straight with you.

A couples therapist can help him open up while giving you the support you need to hear the answers to your questions. She would be able to help with your insecurity while showing him how to reinforce your self esteem, not tear it down.

If he won't go into couples therapy with you, then I suggest you leave him. You've been with this guy a long time but he needs to work on his behavior for your sake.

Hugs! Stay strong because none of this is about you.
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:02 PM   #3
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I really cant offer much advise on the situation ,

I just wanted to let you know , you DO deserve better and Tefrey is right if he wont attend couples therapy then its time for you to make another positive life change and move on .

I know it seems really hard to leave someone youve been with for so long ( trust me I know I not to long back kicked my husband of 8 years to the curb ! i married him in HS ! )

but in the long run youll be better off not to say there wont be days you miss him you will miss him sometimes and thats normal but ultimatley when you find the special someone **** be a distant memory
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:46 PM   #4
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I guess I just feel like if we are so new to living together and are having sex regularly, why am I not enough to satisfy his needs? We were long distance for a while and then after that we each lived with our parents so I could understand why then if he was doing it because we just didn't see each other very often and the opportunities for sex were slim but now.. I come home to him every single night.

I'm now paranoid, I didn't sleep all weekend. I went to the gym and he accused me of cutting my gym time short to come home early and spy on him (completely untrue, the truth is that he was asleep and didn't even hear me leave so he thought I left later than I did. You girls can understand I spend every second I can at the gym thinking every last calorie burned counts.. ridiculous!) I'm assuming the worst but it's only because he refuses to discuss it with me at all. I told him this, that if he spoke with me openly and honestly about it, I'd feel reassured. But he refuses to!
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Old 09-23-2013, 02:59 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tefrey View Post

As for porn ... well, all men look at porn and it's best not to ask too many questions. He may be hiding his habits because they are excessive and strange, but it's also possible that they are harmless and he's being vague because he's worried you will obsess over the answers. Unfortunately, his vagueness is only making you more and more worried so it's time he was straight with you.

If he won't go into couples therapy with you, then I suggest you leave him. You've been with this guy a long time but he needs to work on his behavior for your sake.

Hugs! Stay strong because none of this is about you.
For the bolded part: SO not true. Not all men look at porn, and it's degrading to the ones who do not to lump them in with the ones that do.

Also, there is absolutely no such thing as harmless porn. Porn is terribly harmful to the performers and the people who watch that stuff. It can ruin relationships (as evidence by the OP of this thread). Porn is terribly harmful IMO.

http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post...-not-harmless/
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Old 09-23-2013, 03:04 PM   #6
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but again, I have no one to turn to in my "real life" so this is the only way I can try and find peace of mind.

I have always struggled with body image issues and don't have a healthy relationship with food at all. Even at a healthy weight/BMI, I'll still think I'm the fattest cow. This, in turn, makes me depressed and gives me anxiety.

I tried numerous antidepressants but they all cut off my sex drive completely and since I just moved in with my now fiance, I decided to try and deal with the depression/anxiety on my own to salvage our sex life.

We have been living together now for about 8 months, and we have sex 1-3 times a week on average. I found out this weekend that he has a porn habit that he's been keeping from me (I work 12 hour days, he's home by 5:30 every night.. I get up by 7 on weekends to go to the gym to lose weight, he sleeps in and never exercises) and now I am sick and beside myself. He won't tell me exactly what goes on, what he's looking at and how often, gives me conflicting answers, just says that it isn't a big deal and at least he's not cheating.

But to me, I am devastated. It's the lying that gets me. If it's no big deal, why wouldn't he tell me what type he's looking at and how often he looks at it? It makes me feel completely inadequate and insecure to think that he has a live body willing to have sex with him and he's in the other room watching porn.

I know in my heart it's a bigger deal than he's making it out to be. I've suspected it all along. But he's making me feel like a crazy insecure psycho. He even accused me of flirting because the cashier at Subway gave me a free cookie (no I'm not kidding! I can't even make this up) and said that's way worse and surely I'm out flirting with other guys too.

I've been with this person for 7 years and now I'm questioning so many things. It's terrifying.

I'm really sorry you are going through this! I would be just as devastated as you to find this out. Your feelings are completely justified. Porn is a terrible thing that damages relationships, hurts people, and distances people from humanity.

I agree that therapy is definitely a good start. If he won't go, I would leave the relationship immediately and go to therapy alone.
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Old 09-23-2013, 03:22 PM   #7
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thank you I tend to agree that porn really isn't a great thing. we are young, not married, childless, free to try any crazy stuff sexually that we want.. he NEVER ever comes to me proposing anything, and I guess I was just plain naive to think I was enough. Now I can barely look him in the eye and I feel so sad. Like I'm working late today, I always work later than him, so of course I'm going to assume he's home watching porn.

He told me he watched it last Monday night which was the first day back to work for me after my best friend and the person who sat next to me at work passed away over the weekend from cancer! I spent the entire day crying and watching people remove her things from her desk and he was watching porn.. really nice, right? I thought I had such a good guy, and now it's like who on earth did I sign up to marry!
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:42 PM   #8
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That's awful I'm sorry about your friend.

I think porn can so easily become an addiction/sickness. Plus, not that many women who aren't being paid for sex want to be treated the way porn actors are in their movies.

I guess it's a good sign that he told you about the porn, it's more concerning when they hide or deny it. I would be clear with him that you don't accept porn and that you'd like him to quit watching it.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:51 PM   #9
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Citygirl,

Wow, I'm sorry. Porn can be a bad habit up to a dangerous addiction. Red flag indeed. For me this would constitute a deal breaker in a relationship. That's me. You might be more philosophical about it.

As for porn ... well, all men look at porn and it's best not to ask too many questions.

I have to disagree with this. First, not all men look at porn. Secondly, unless you know for certain that it's not child porn that he's into, your home could be under FBI surveillance at some point and rightly so. Two consenting adults, whatever, but kiddie porn is an illness. It could also be men on men, bestiality or some real hard core sick stuff. The fact that he's hiding the content is a big.fat.red.flag.

It pays to listen to your instincts, they are usually correct. He needs to be honest with you about the content and amount of time spent so you can make some decisions about your relationship. You need to pursue this for your own peace of mind.

Sorry that you have to face this essentially alone.

Hugs.
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Old 09-24-2013, 12:07 AM   #10
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I'm so sorry. I find it really disturbing that he is being defensive and accusatory towards you. Either he feels guilty and is lashing out or he is a manipulative jerk who is trying to make you feel miserable. Something isn't right there. Don't blame yourself or ever think that you are not enough. I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds like an addiction with him.

If he won't tell you what kind of porn he is watching, then I agree that you need to find out the content, if possible. Do you have access to his computer? Can you check the browser history? If the computer is locked down or he is erasing the history, that tells you something right there.

On a personal level, I found out that my father watches porn - a lot of porn - on TV. The evidence was all there, and I didn't believe it until I saw it on his DVR. I was - and still am - devastated that he would do that to my mother, who definitely doesn't deserve it. I kept it a secret because I didn't want to destroy their marriage. If you do end up marrying your boyfriend and decide to have children, just know that someday this could be a heavy burden for your children down the road.
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Old 09-24-2013, 08:30 AM   #11
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I disagree with the other posters. Yes, porn can be a terribly addictive issue and its production is often terribly exploitative, but in and of itself I don't think its consumption is that unusual or wholly unhealthy. I definitely don't agree that it is a sign of something lacking or wrong with you ("why am I not enough to satisfy his needs?"). And, it's possible that his secretiveness/defensiveness comes from the fact that it is such a hugely sensitive issue for you.

Basically, I don't think his use of porn is the problem. It could be excessive, it could be all sorts of negative things - but from the limited amount you've shared, it doesn't suggest that it's a problematic addiction, just that it's something that he does that you didn't know about. Many men don't regularly use or look at porn, but many, many men do. I think the problem is that you have some insecurity issues going on, and this is poking at an extremely tender spot.

I am NOT blaming you for how you feel or saying it's your fault, at all - but this distinction is significant, because even if the porn use were to totally evaporate, the insecurity (a root cause of the distress you feel) would still be there, and possibly emerge in other ways and cause further issues. You two definitely need to be able to talk about this - that means he needs to be open about it, but he also needs to feel like you can handle the truth. I hope you can come to a space where this doesn't feel like a personal mark against you and so deeply hurtful, because I very much doubt he means for you to feel that way.

I also doubt that he is a monster and you need to reconsider the entirety of your 7 year relationship because of this. All his good traits and good interactions you've had together aren't negated. Hope you two can work through this, and I hope you can come to a better place where you're secure and confident in yourself.
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Old 09-24-2013, 09:56 AM   #12
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Thank you all so very much. I will say this, he works in IT security and his computer is EXTREMELY locked down. So is his phone. So is every device he owns. He would know every FBI level way to clear his history so I'd never be able to figure out or get into anything. I don't know his passwords to anything.

I just never thought much of this because I trusted him. I'd never think of nor want to spy on him. Now I just feel sick.
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Old 09-24-2013, 01:48 PM   #13
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Trust is a must in relationships, and obviously he's hiding it from you for a reason. My hubby works in IT also, and no matter what you do there is always a record of what has been done on a computer if you know what you're doing. But the fact he will not let you should speak volumes. Obviously you don't like pornography and you are very uncomfortable with him doing it, so you already know how you feel about it.

There needs to be some honesty on this topic, and your fiance needs to be willing to listen to you - if he isn't, then maybe you should reconsider. This isn't something that you should accept going into a marriage - believe me, from my own experience.
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Old 09-24-2013, 03:33 PM   #14
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citygirl, you have someone to turn to in your real life: yourself. Listen to your heart, stay out of your head, keep away from imagination. Whatever moment you have to be alone - address yourself, know how you feel. Be receptive to whatever comes, no matter what it is. Do not resist.

This doesn't mean act. Listening to the pain inside helps you to remain still.

As much as I agreed with a lot of the other posters at first, Desiderata makes a very good point that can easily be missed, in that you don't want to project your insecurities onto the situation. Be receptive to what's happening. Things like this can drive you crazy if you let them.

Know this: he IS looking at porn. He is doing it more than you want him to (even if it's not defined as an addiction, whatever - it's still beyond your tolerance). He is not going to change today. Right now, that's what he does. Some part of him identifies with it. Can you accept this right now?

Because at the end of the day, he is who he is. Love him or leave him. We can all agree that it's disgusting, harmful, or whatever, but what we think about it is our own projection.

And, I would also consider protecting yourself as vintagecat suggested.

Last edited by Mazzy : 09-24-2013 at 03:34 PM.
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Old 09-24-2013, 05:53 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MauiKai View Post
For the bolded part: SO not true. Not all men look at porn, and it's degrading to the ones who do not to lump them in with the ones that do.

Also, there is absolutely no such thing as harmless porn. Porn is terribly harmful to the performers and the people who watch that stuff. It can ruin relationships (as evidence by the OP of this thread). Porn is terribly harmful IMO.

http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post...-not-harmless/
True. It is not harmless. It does ruin relationships. I agree that not all men watch porn as well.

I think it's worse that he is accusing you of trying to spy and find out what he's watching then if he was just watching the porn. Makes me wonder what he's watching.

I also have body issues and can tell you that having someone watch porn (especially a lot) when you have those issues just makes it worse. No matter what anyone says, it is hard for me not to take it personally and feel inadequate.

I have to say if you can get couples counseling it could be beneficial. I also just read a book that explained how you can approach a man and say something like, "The watching of porn makes me feel disrespected" in order to open up communication. The key is to bring it up without making it sound like an attack. (Which I am horrible at myself.)

No matter what, find ways to work on you. I know that's easier said than done. I'm in the same boat. I have horrible body issues.

Hugs and I wish you the best.
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