Wasn't sure where to post this, but I needed a bit of a vent session and I feel embarrassed to actually talk to people in my life about this.
I am newly engaged and also newly living with my fiance and I thought this whole engagement thing would be the most exciting time of our life but it has been ****. I've become someone I never thought I would.
Our apartment, prior to getting engaged, has had its share of problems, from a major bug infestation to a burst pipe underneath requiring a complete replacement of the floors. We slept in the living room for a while and had to essentially re-move back in. We've been there just about 5 months. I thought living together would be fun and exciting and more often than not it has been stressful and horrible
Then this engagement thing.. I was never a girl excited about my wedding, never dreamt about a gown or all of that like other girls do. Plus, after having a major falling out with my two best girlfriends from childhood a few years back, I don't have any bridesmaids. I have good friends but not best friends like they were, and it makes me so sad to think they won't even be at my wedding. I have a lot of unresolved feelings about the ending of the friendships (I sort of buried my feelings about it but they are still best friends, so when I see their Facebook posts I just get so, so sad.) My fiance is fine with not having a wedding party but I feel like a loser with no friends. My sister is my MOH and his best friend is his best man, but I feel just like a loser.
We are tight on funds and his parents have never fully accepted me and I feel like there's so much pressure on me to have an amazing wedding. Not to mention, my mom is ill so I've been dealing with that the past year. There's a lot going on and I tend to bury all my feelings and put up a brave face, but deep down I'm so sad.
I have sought out a psychiatrist who I have been seeing now for a while but I keep trying meds that bring me nothing but side effects and minimal relief.
Plus, I am about 10-15 lbs overweight, some may say that's not too bad, but eating is my crutch. I make myself feel better through food. Chocolates at my desk, ice cream on my lunch break, late night snacks. I work out faithfully but eat to ease the pain. My mom and sister want to try on dresses and I keep finding ways to put it off (the wedding isn't til next fall, so it's not obvious to them yet) but I know I'll look like a fat cow in a wedding gown.
Last night we hit rock bottom. We had another fight, this time about our honeymoon, and he got so frustrated he dropped a glass, and it shattered everywhere. I'm sure our neighbors hear our fights, and this is not like us. I left for a while, drove around for a few hours. I told him breaking things isn't acceptable, but I know I'm at fault too. Yelling to solve problems isn't acceptable, either. We shouldn't be fighting about a honeymoon! We should feel happy and blessed to be able to take one!
If you read all of that, thank you. I really just needed to vent and have no one to talk to. Everyone thinks we're happily engaged, but if they only heard the screaming matches and saw the sadness..