I'm posting this here because I know PMDD and depression are related and kind of go hand and hand. I don't know if I officially have PMDD, but I've been noticing some pretty hardcore (well, hardcore for me) symptoms that start about as soon as I hit the second-to-last week of birth control pills and persist off and on until my period starts. I get really moody: very irritable and getting way upset over stupid things, before I moved out I used to get raging mad at my dad for no reason what so ever and it was to the point that he was actually glad I was moving out so he wouldn't have to deal with my rages once a month. And then, like today, the depressive/almost suicidal thoughts that I had pre-weight loss start to come back and I don't quite feel like killing myself, but I know today I didn't necessarily want to live either. I have to be careful when I'm alone to not let my mind wander too much or I'll go into "I'm worthless" mode. And it doesn't help that my appetite also increases and I'm more inclined to "cheat" on my plan and eat things I really shouldn't so I always put on a bunch of water weight too because while my food choices may be in calorie-range, they're things like fast food and pizza and asian take-out. And then I bloat and I feel fat and gross for a week. It really sucks.
And while throughout the month I'm usually able to manage, the biggest problem is I don't ever feel like I can talk to anyone about my struggles during this time of the month where my feelings and emotions are really on edge , especially when I have days like today where I just don't feel worth a damn. I feel like I've worn everybody to death with all my depressing moody states that lasted all the time when I was overweight, so I don't feel like burdening anyone with my problems anymore. But at the same time, I really struggle sometimes to feel like I'm okay, despite everything going really well right now. I have no real reason to be depressed, but yet I still struggle. It's not as bad as it was; I no longer want to kill myself, but it's kind of like instead of completely hating myself I'm just slightly above indifferent to myself. I have moments where I feel awesome and confident but a lot of times I really just don't feel like I'm anything special, although I suppose that's not true. Most of the time I think people give me more credit than I think I actually deserve.
And I don't know where to turn with these thoughts. Sometimes I try talking to my best friend/bf thingy (that's a complicated relationship story that I dont feel like going into lol) and he just tells me to suck it up and stop being a cry-baby. My mom never had real issues with depression or PMS/PMDD, so she doesn't really know how to relate to me or give me advice on how to deal with it. My sister-in-law has problems with it but she just tells me she just deals with it and there's nothing you can do to control it/make it better. And like I said, I don't want to burden anyone else with my issues so I just keep it to myself. But the problem with that is when I bottle it up too much I really have worse issues than if I had someone to talk to. I kind of wouldn't mind seeing a therapist but I don't want to admit that I can't handle myself. I don't want anyone to know that I can't handle myself. It's embarassing to me. And what's worse is I'm kinda glad I'm not around my dad anymore cause he'd go tell about my rages to relatives and people and laugh and joke about it but it's really not funny -- I can't help that I can't control my emotions when I have my period and I don't want my struggle to be made fun of. I really just don't know where to turn to anymore and I feel like I have no support. I just want to feel sane and normal all the time and feel confident all the time instead of dreading the week before my period.
Hopefully y'all can help. I could really use some encouragement.