I apologize now for this post, it is long and stupid and no one should read it.
I get up every morning. Work out when I can. I clean the house, do laundry, feed the cat, Do dishes, budget the money, make out the bills on time, keep track of everyone's appointments, cook all the meals, take kids to wherever and work, etc. Basically I do everything for everyone.
In return? I get ignored when I ask a direct question, because the answer should have been obvious to me. I get ignored when the magic talking box is on, or a book is being read, or any other reason can possibly be found. I get yelled at by kids (2 teenagers) over the slightest thing. Everything is my fault according to the oldest. I ask hubby for help on an answer for anything and all I get is "I don't know". The list could go on and on but you get the idea.
I have severe insomnia, I take a combo of three different meds of anywhere from 3 to 5 pills just to attempt to get some sleep (under doctors supervision and approval). My pills scare me some nights, which sounds so stupid but they make me feel so out of control and creepy, I don't really know how to describe it, sigh. I beg hubby some nights, please don't go to sleep, just hold me until I fall asleep, just tonight. He never can, he always dozes off, snores and then tells me he didn't fall asleep. Whatever. He always falls asleep first, he "just can't stay awake". Unless there is something good on tv, or his book is at a good part, or anything else he wants to do.
I am so tired and so hurt and so angry. I honestly wish I could just lay down and die. I obviously suffer from depression and bi-polar and all other kinds of fun stuff and I am on medicine for them. But doctor and I don't think they are right anymore and so off to a psychologist/therapist I go. In mid August. I honestly don't know if I can hold on until then. I was going to call yesterday and beg them to get me in with him sooner, but it was 5:30 so it was too late and it seems like such a long time until Monday to try to get in sooner and mid August seems like forever away.
We went shopping and was getting drinks to take oldest to work, this was after being ignored after asking hubby a question that apparently I should have already known the answer to, and being told by my oldest kid that "I think I solve problems, but instead I just make things worse". He told me that in front of hubby by the way with no response from hubby. We were in the drive thru when I was told that and I just got out of the car, no purse, no phone, no money, no i.d. and walked away. I walked all the way across the little town we were in (took an hour in 90+ degree heat) and borrowed a phone to call hubby to tell him where I was at so he could pick me up and we could come "home".
We get home and it is all about how it is pretty (insert bad word here) of me to walk away like that. He didn't answer me because I should have already known the answer to the question I asked, so he didn't think he needed to answer me. But I should not have walked away, how he looked for me all over town and couldn't find me. He drove past me at least 2 times. I saw him and my youngest son go past. I stood there and looked straight at them as they drove past me. But they didn't see me in a bright blue shirt in the bright sunshine walking alone down the side of the road.
They never see me or hear me.
I wandered the house yesterday evening, trying to figure out how to die without it hurting too much. I cried and he knew it. I was cleaning up the fridge from where the tug spout leaked all over everything, into drawers, under shelves, all over in the fridge and he walked past and didn't say a word.
Some nights I cry myself to sleep and he knows and all I get is literally, "sorry". Not in a I love you let me try to help voice, just a flat, indifferent "sorry". Or my favorite, "what are you crying for this time?"
I try my best to keep things clean and nice, to make sure things are done right and that stuff is taken care of on time. I have been trying to be more affectionate to my hubby which he has said he doesn't get enough of, but why can't I get what I ask for?
I admit I am high maintenance because of the mental, well, I'll just call them issues. God knows I understand he has to be stressed and tired from work and our kids as well. But god help me if this is all there is to life. I don't want to continue in this.
I get no encouragement about anything, no credit for even a stupid joke I tell. Certainly no appreciation for keeping the house running as smooth as I can. I tell the kids off when they make snide remarks about their dad, I tell them how hard he works to support our family, I tell hubby how I know he works hard to support us and try to encourage him when he is down. I feel like I get nothing. Nada. Zilch.
I have no friends in real life, I haven't for 17 years, since I was breastfeeding my son in one room and my "friend" was propositioning my husband in the other. I don't have anyone I really talk to online. My parents are sick and when I talk to them about just little stuff they literally turn away and start talking to someone else while I am in mid sentence. My sister doesn't care about anything but her life. My kids don't want or need to hear me vent.
I am completely alone and I hurt so bad and I hate myself so much for crying about it all and for typing this out.
I managed not to cut last night but all I can think of is there is all day today to get through, at least until 8 p.m. until I feel like I can reasonably take my pills to try to make myself sleep. And I just don't feel like I am strong enough to make it through another day without cutting. Or screaming until my voice gives out.
I beg god to help me, but he doesn't listen.
I'd ask for prayers but I don't think I believe in prayer anymore.
I beg hubby to listen, he doesn't care either.
I shouldn't be typing this out but I have to get it off my chest somehow. I am not going to kill myself, I won't do that to my kids. I am just so tired of being here and feeling so alone.
So my question is this to anyone who will answer, Is this really all there is? Is this it? Nothing but hurt and tears and pain?
I am so sorry for this ending up as long as it did. I could type more but I will stop here.