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Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

Is this really all there is?

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Old 07-20-2013, 08:00 AM   #1
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Unhappy Is this really all there is?

I apologize now for this post, it is long and stupid and no one should read it.


I get up every morning. Work out when I can. I clean the house, do laundry, feed the cat, Do dishes, budget the money, make out the bills on time, keep track of everyone's appointments, cook all the meals, take kids to wherever and work, etc. Basically I do everything for everyone.
In return? I get ignored when I ask a direct question, because the answer should have been obvious to me. I get ignored when the magic talking box is on, or a book is being read, or any other reason can possibly be found. I get yelled at by kids (2 teenagers) over the slightest thing. Everything is my fault according to the oldest. I ask hubby for help on an answer for anything and all I get is "I don't know". The list could go on and on but you get the idea.
I have severe insomnia, I take a combo of three different meds of anywhere from 3 to 5 pills just to attempt to get some sleep (under doctors supervision and approval). My pills scare me some nights, which sounds so stupid but they make me feel so out of control and creepy, I don't really know how to describe it, sigh. I beg hubby some nights, please don't go to sleep, just hold me until I fall asleep, just tonight. He never can, he always dozes off, snores and then tells me he didn't fall asleep. Whatever. He always falls asleep first, he "just can't stay awake". Unless there is something good on tv, or his book is at a good part, or anything else he wants to do.
I am so tired and so hurt and so angry. I honestly wish I could just lay down and die. I obviously suffer from depression and bi-polar and all other kinds of fun stuff and I am on medicine for them. But doctor and I don't think they are right anymore and so off to a psychologist/therapist I go. In mid August. I honestly don't know if I can hold on until then. I was going to call yesterday and beg them to get me in with him sooner, but it was 5:30 so it was too late and it seems like such a long time until Monday to try to get in sooner and mid August seems like forever away.
We went shopping and was getting drinks to take oldest to work, this was after being ignored after asking hubby a question that apparently I should have already known the answer to, and being told by my oldest kid that "I think I solve problems, but instead I just make things worse". He told me that in front of hubby by the way with no response from hubby. We were in the drive thru when I was told that and I just got out of the car, no purse, no phone, no money, no i.d. and walked away. I walked all the way across the little town we were in (took an hour in 90+ degree heat) and borrowed a phone to call hubby to tell him where I was at so he could pick me up and we could come "home".
We get home and it is all about how it is pretty (insert bad word here) of me to walk away like that. He didn't answer me because I should have already known the answer to the question I asked, so he didn't think he needed to answer me. But I should not have walked away, how he looked for me all over town and couldn't find me. He drove past me at least 2 times. I saw him and my youngest son go past. I stood there and looked straight at them as they drove past me. But they didn't see me in a bright blue shirt in the bright sunshine walking alone down the side of the road.
They never see me or hear me.
I wandered the house yesterday evening, trying to figure out how to die without it hurting too much. I cried and he knew it. I was cleaning up the fridge from where the tug spout leaked all over everything, into drawers, under shelves, all over in the fridge and he walked past and didn't say a word.
Some nights I cry myself to sleep and he knows and all I get is literally, "sorry". Not in a I love you let me try to help voice, just a flat, indifferent "sorry". Or my favorite, "what are you crying for this time?"
I try my best to keep things clean and nice, to make sure things are done right and that stuff is taken care of on time. I have been trying to be more affectionate to my hubby which he has said he doesn't get enough of, but why can't I get what I ask for?
I admit I am high maintenance because of the mental, well, I'll just call them issues. God knows I understand he has to be stressed and tired from work and our kids as well. But god help me if this is all there is to life. I don't want to continue in this.
I get no encouragement about anything, no credit for even a stupid joke I tell. Certainly no appreciation for keeping the house running as smooth as I can. I tell the kids off when they make snide remarks about their dad, I tell them how hard he works to support our family, I tell hubby how I know he works hard to support us and try to encourage him when he is down. I feel like I get nothing. Nada. Zilch.
I have no friends in real life, I haven't for 17 years, since I was breastfeeding my son in one room and my "friend" was propositioning my husband in the other. I don't have anyone I really talk to online. My parents are sick and when I talk to them about just little stuff they literally turn away and start talking to someone else while I am in mid sentence. My sister doesn't care about anything but her life. My kids don't want or need to hear me vent.
I am completely alone and I hurt so bad and I hate myself so much for crying about it all and for typing this out.
I managed not to cut last night but all I can think of is there is all day today to get through, at least until 8 p.m. until I feel like I can reasonably take my pills to try to make myself sleep. And I just don't feel like I am strong enough to make it through another day without cutting. Or screaming until my voice gives out.
I beg god to help me, but he doesn't listen.
I'd ask for prayers but I don't think I believe in prayer anymore.
I beg hubby to listen, he doesn't care either.
I shouldn't be typing this out but I have to get it off my chest somehow. I am not going to kill myself, I won't do that to my kids. I am just so tired of being here and feeling so alone.
So my question is this to anyone who will answer, Is this really all there is? Is this it? Nothing but hurt and tears and pain?

I am so sorry for this ending up as long as it did. I could type more but I will stop here.
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Old 07-20-2013, 08:48 AM   #2
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I have no idea what I can/should say. I just know that I could not "read and run". I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I am glad that you are under the care of physicians. But I do think that you can not wait until mid August. I hope that you will call again on Monday.

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Old 07-20-2013, 09:13 AM   #3
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Default So sorry you are feeling this terrible :(

Hi, my name is Lori. I was married for 21 yrs. to a man who is bipolar (he had two affairs, and left twice). He is still with the second woman. That was 6 yrs. ago, and we have four kids together. The youngest two live with me, plus my disabled daughter who is 23 and totally dependant on me.

Depression is a very hard thing to deal with, and I know my sister (who is also bipolar), has been so depressed that she just was looking forward to bed time, as she didn't want to be awake and dealing with anyone during the day.

I think you should try and see if you can get in earlier for sure to your Dr. I realize this is sometimes a hard thing to do, but tell them you are not doing well, and you need to be seen this coming week.

As for teenagers, they can be rude, selfish, and they certainly do not appreciate anything you do. I have raised three teens, and have one 17 yr. old now. (my 17 yr. old almost died in a car accident 8 months ago, and he too is suffering from depression right now). I do know how difficult teens can be though.

I think if you can find something to do on your own that you enjoy, that would be good. Perhaps a class, yoga, or something like that. My sister started going to yoga and she loves it! It gets her out of the house, and she feels good after going. Even going for a walk, or doing something else that you think you would enjoy. It might make you feel better, because your kids and husband certainly are not making you feel better!

Anyway, I know what I said may not make you feel better, but you do deserve to feel good! You deserve to be treated good by your family! Hang in there, and please call that Dr. next week.
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Old 07-20-2013, 09:26 AM   #4
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I agree, try to call again on Monday. Sending cyber {{hugs}} and love your way. I will say a prayer for you. I do believe in the power of prayer. I truly hope things turn around for you. Just know that there are people out there that care and you are not alone. {{hugs}}
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Old 07-20-2013, 09:50 AM   #5
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You are responsible for your own happiness. Do not depend on others to make you happy. See a professional therapist for help right away.

Also, go on netflix and watch The secret. Find some books on positive thinking.
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Old 07-20-2013, 02:29 PM   #6
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Call again on Monday. And tell us that you've done it, please.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Hang in there.
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Old 07-20-2013, 02:47 PM   #7
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Please call your dr. on Monday to get that appt moved up. Make it clear - as best you can - that you need help right now, not only in a month's time.

I hope you'll be feeling better about things very soon.
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Old 07-20-2013, 03:11 PM   #8
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Sometimes, you just need to get away. Have you thought about a vacation by yourself? If you're gone for a week, maybe your family will see how much you really do for them and they will appreciate you more. There IS more to life... you just have to hang in there. I hope you get the answers you're looking for and your doctor can help you out. Please take care of yourself and when all else fails, just keep coming here to 3FC where you know people truly care about you. Big, BIG hugs to you.
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Old 07-20-2013, 03:26 PM   #9
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I hate to think of you feeling so trapped by your situation. You're husband sounds like he needs a reality check. Unfortunatly your teens are just being disrespectful teens, and I feel horrid when I think of how I treated my parents when I was that age.
Is there anyway you could book some time away from everything for yourself. Maybe in a hotel or a safehouse. Just get some time away to really pick yourself back up and give the family a chance to see just how much you do for them.
I agree with the other posters that you need to call your doctor asap, and dont let the receptionist brush you off, make sure you get seen on Monday, they can make time!!
I've been taking meds for bipolar for nearly 6 years now, and thankfully I seem to have found the right meds and have a doctor I can trust, maybe you need to change medications. Once I got on the ones I'm taking now it felt like I could breath again and things don't look bad anymore. I know what it's like to think that things are pointless, but they will improve.
We're all here for you, I hope you keep us updated, Hugs x
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Old 07-20-2013, 03:33 PM   #10
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Old 07-20-2013, 03:33 PM   #11
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totally agree with mamaApril...take some time off, go on a vacation without explaining yourself and you'll feel so much better.
but if i were you i would print that post and leave it for them to read or send it to them by email without saying anything. maybe after they read it they will se how serious the situation is. it doesn't matter if your kids are teenagers they should be respectful and supportive.
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Old 07-20-2013, 05:22 PM   #12
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It sounds to me like your husband is a major jack@ss. He is not treating you like a wife should be treated. Period.

I agree with the previous posters that you should get in to see your meds dr ASAP just to make sure they are aware of how you are feeling and verify if they need to be adjusted.

Having said that, I think you need to see a talk therapist. Someone who will listen and help you sort out everything you are feeling and exactly where you are headed in this life.

I have a diagnosis of BiPolar, Major Depressive, OCD and I really felt like for most of my adult life that something was wrong with ME, that I needed to take all these pills to be *fixed* so that I was happier or a *normal* person. Well, guess what? I was married to a major jack@ss. And the truth of the matter is that when I got out of that bad marriage, I am fine.

I am remarried and my husband has my back. There is not another person in this world who loves me or supports me the way he does. I can be wrong all day long and he *still* will defend me to the death. If one of my kids raised their voice at me or back talked to me, he responds before I do that they are in trouble for disrespecting their mother. It is not negotiable that they treat me with respect.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but HONESTLY, anybody who had to live in a situation where you are not being properly valued nor respected would feel the way you do. I hope your husband opens his eyes soon and realizes what he has in you. Marriage is a partnership and it seems to me that he is not meeting your needs despite you doing everything in your power to meet his.
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Old 07-20-2013, 10:40 PM   #13
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Thank you all for the replies.
I called the suicide hotline this afternoon, I have never done that before no matter how bad it got. I had to do something though. How pathetic am I that the woman I was talking to, mid bawling, sobbing story about how no one listens to me, no one cares enough to talk to me, I was pouring out my heart to her about the abuse as a child and all the crap I have been through and no joke, she asks to put me on hold so she can answer this other call. As soon as she went to the other line, I hung up. I truly hope she thinks I died and she is responsible for it. Crap, not even the suicide prevention people want to talk to me.
I called the clinic today just on the off chance someone might be there. It was 3:10 p.m., they closed at 3:00. If I hadn't wasted my time on the hotline I would have called them but it was after she put me on hold and I hung up that I tried the clinic. Sigh.
I cried until I ran out of tears. Then dry cried. Then got more tears, then dry cried. I have cried so much today that my sides and chest hurt.
Me and hubby had a talk, after I felt like I had been blamed for being upset at being ignored and everything else in life that is going wrong, I cut myself in front of him. I have never done that before either. It was bad, so bad. I cut deeper than I usually do in my frustration, blood dripping, he was so upset about it. I don't even care. He deserves to feel a little bit of the anguish I feel.
I don't know what to do. I would love to go somewhere but we are beyond broke and I have absolutely no one and no where to go to. Life sucks and I am tired of playing this stupid game of life.
I just wanted to let you guys know I was still kicking, however feebly, tonight and I will try to let you guys know what happens if anyone is interested.
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Last edited by tubolard : 07-20-2013 at 10:45 PM. Reason: clarification
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Old 07-20-2013, 11:48 PM   #14
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~Hugs~

Keep posting. It's good to get your feelings and thoughts out.

It seems you have more going on in your life than you can handle right now. I think it would be wise to seek some professional advice and perhaps get on some medication to get you through this difficult time. Do call the clinic first thing Monday morning. You're suffering way too much and it doesn't need to be that way.

I feel for you and wish you had more support at home.

Oh, and don't give up on the hotline ... they just need to answer all calls and sometimes the lines get busy.
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Old 07-21-2013, 05:12 AM   #15
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We have a lot of mental health issues in our family with a good spattering of bi-polar disorder. Help from your care provider in managing your dosage is essential, talking therapy and CBT are a good way of dealing with the self harm. Are you sure you don't have any other complications? My mum has ADHD which was diagnosed much later and it helped to explain quite a few things.

The suggestions here about picking up something outside of the house are fantastic, my mum gelt so much better when she went back to do here degree, it gave her a social life and respect from her peers which really bolstered her confidence.

Now dont take anything i am about to say the wrong way. My mum was diagnosed with bi-polar years after i left the house, we had a very difficult relationship and none of her kids really understood what was going on with our mum. We didnt understand the moods, the frustration and despair. We ended up thinking mum was just selfish. This obviously wasnt the case but as a teen you are self involved and pretty resistant to other peoples pain, especially your own parents sometimes. I am sure your children love you immensly, despite what they say to you they love you. Its important to remember that.

Groundrules must be established, saying stuff about either you or your husband is not ok. Have you considered couples therapy so you can discuss how you feel with your husband in a positive environment? I adore my husband but i suffered from depression for years, therapy has done amazing things for our relationship, we never fight now because we understand each other better, i havent self harmed in over a year because the therapy helped me to challenge my own thoughts.

I am really sorry you are in so much pain, it can get better, this doesnt have to be all there is xxx
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