The further into depression I plunge?
I don't usually come onto this website, so this is pretty much going to be someone you don't even know just sort of venting. Sorry.
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As of right now, I'm 16, going on 17.
I have to get a senior picture taken pretty soon (not sure of the exact date, but within the next few weeks) and when I was told this I absolutely broke down, because I'd have to go to a hair salon and get my hair cut.
In public.
I was told this around 3 hours ago, and I'm still sobbing uncontrollably.
I'm not exactly sure why. I've never had anyone in that type of institution ever insult me because of my fatness or ugliness or anything like that.
I realized that it has to be myself projecting my own self hatred onto everyone around me, as much as I don't like to admit it.
It almost makes me angry, knowing that people don't hate me as much as they deserve to. It makes me feel like it's an injustice.
I don't feel like I deserve to even express my feelings and deserve to feel this emotionally distraught about basically nothing because I'm so fat and disgusting.
I'm a disgusting, wretched waste of life, space, and resources.
I deserve to suffer and twist in agony for the rest of time, yet I don't.
People are far too kind to me.
I've always felt like my friends and family only act nice to me, just to lead me along. But honestly, I know deep down in my heart that they hate me and they wouldn't miss me if I was gone.
I don't know what else to say.
It's incomprehensible to adequately say how much I hate myself. I'd ask how to feel a little better about myself and be more secure about who I am (as in have enough confidence to even aknowledge people in public, or go outside my home in anything less than 2 jackets and jeans despite the temperature), but as I said, I do not deserve that luxury.
So, I guess the point of this topic is.. is it common to be more depressed as you lose more weight?
Sorry for the long post, feel free to ignore it please. I feel bad for trying to be comfortable about who I am.