I thought I would write a post because I feel a bit, well, unsure of what to do at this point with some situations in my life and also a bit frustrated.
I struggle a lot with accepting myself for who I am and loving myself for who I am. It is hard for me to see myself as truly beautiful beyong my overweight body and other traits that I consider flaws or faults. Ever since I was young, people told me I was too harsh on myself, my own worst critic and my own worst enemy. I would have liked to have given myself the benefit of the doubt but I felt it was ingrained in me from an early age starting in the schoolyard with bullies and sexual harassment in my teens. I started coloring and highlighting my hair when I was 17, still do and would like to stop that but I don't know what I will think of my true hair color and better yet, how do I really feel about myself, the self that is there that needs to be nurtured and loved, not stuffed with food?
It's interesting, I think, that this recent ex-boyfriend of mine loved me a lot for awhile and for awhile accepted me for who I truly was. Then he tried to change and manipulate me but the times when he did love me for who I was were wonderful and although I am not completely over him yet, I find it so touching how truly and deeply he said he loved me and we were together just shy of 3 months. Why don't I love myself so deeply and truly too?
I see other guys interested in me so I think, I must be doing something right, but then I see all the 'flaws' that I have such as the overwhelming medical and psychiatric issues that I have in my life. There are other things that upset me and make me feel perhaps not unlovable but not worthy or not of a caliber that I desire in my life and maybe never will never have because of my disability.
At the end of the day, I just don't know if I will ever win this battle of self esteem and acceptance with myself. If I could win that, perhaps the pounds would fall off and stay off and I wouldn't feel the need to sabotage myself with weight amongst other things and realize that I do deserve success and a good life.
I don't know what is holding me back from loving myself and accepting myself.
Insights, advice anyone?