I'm not new to 3FC but this is my first time posting in the depression forum.
honestly, I don't think I'm "depressed", like the definition of it, but every once in a while, i get these bouts when i feel so horrible and sad, about myself, my life, and everything and i just cry and cry... often, those bouts are triggered by my romantic relationships, so the rest of the time, i'm a pretty happy person... but when i google "depression" it seems to be an all-or-nothing kinda thing... so i think, "i must not be suffering from depression". but then again, what kind of sane person goes into a panic attack over her bf not replying to a text message??
when i was a teenager, i was depressed a lot more often than now. i was really fat, i shut myself away to avoid heartbreak, i was a virgin until age 22. that's when i got my first boyfriend. i dropped 60lbs after that and my self-esteem slowly went up. up until recently, my depressive bouts were few and far between.
i think dieting is making me depressed. i think that i equal food with comfort, and that since i'm dieting, i've taken that comfort away and it's making me feel more and more miserable, even though i've been doing good at my diet. i've been dieting for about 5 months, but in the last 2 months or so, my weightloss has stalled. i feel like the whole thing is pointless and then i start feeling miserable and like a failiure. this last month, i've been crying every other day. i can't even blame pms today...
so today i woke up feeling kinda crabby... my bf told me he was gonna go drinking with a high school friend tonight, and for some reason i got it into my head that it was his ex-gf, and it made me toss and turn all night. then, this morning, i got the delivery of a package from home from my mom that i'd been expecting for over a week, so i was really eager to get it. I'd asked her to send me cadbury eggs cuz they don't have them here in Japan since Easter doesn't exist here. well, i open the package and she'd freakin sent the wrong thing. and i just started bawling right there. on top of that, she was supposed to send me sugar twin (cuz i'm an addict), and i swear to god there were like 10 packets in there. what the f-k am i supposed to do with 10 packets?! so i was really angry and upset, and then finally, i worked myself into working out. i thought "the endorphins will make me feel better!" so i start my Body Revolution DVD (cardio day, yuck) and i start doing it, and about 2/3 of the way through, i freakin threw my back during some burpees. i had to stop cuz it was so painful, and i just cried and cried. i was gonna go to the gym later today but that plan went out of the window, so i just stayed home watching tv and feeling sorry for myself. arournd dinner time i mailed my bf to tell him i'd busted my back, to get some pity out of him, but he never replied. i started crying over that, thinking that he must be ignoring me cuz he's with his freakin ex-gf... *sigh*
it's nearly 10pm now and i still haven't heard from him. i'm mad but then i know i ALWAYS over-react when he's tardy with his mails, and then he gets mad at me... and he is just not a very affectionate person and it's actually very common for him to ignore me when he's out with his buds. it sucks, but what can i do? so i went and got me a big bottle of wine from the convenience store, and now i'm drunk. i also ate a lot of crap.
i just wanna know. why am i like this?? i feel so unloved and it's horrible. why is it so hard for him to take 5 seconds out of his "busy" schedule to freakin mail me back??? but i know he's like this so why can't i let it rest? why must i stress and stress until it ruins my life and my health??
it just sucks.
sorry for the rant, but i had to let it out, and i didn't think anybody else would care, or understand...