[AlmostMe]

My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I have had major depression for over a year and can't climb out. For the past six weeks or so, he's been 'nicer' but over the past week he's returned to his sniping, criticism, passive aggressive behaviour and using our 5 yr old son as a way to get to me - for example he recently said: "Mommy is lazy, but she doesn't like us to say that..." when I'm in the next room.

My mood has taken another nose dive. I've been wondering what I'd done to make him turn on me again. After eating well in recent months, today I actually overate. I wouldn't call it a binge. I just ate beyond my rules...to slightly uncomfortable fullness. This isn't a big deal, but it is something to watch and I'm sure I did it because I'd had a rough day and taken crap from him.

Last week my son put a foreign object in his ear. They couldn't get it out in the emergency dept. So after chasing for a while I finally got an appointment for today. Last night I told my husband I was feeling anxious about it and he made fun of me - told me I was being ridiculous. Not in a "Oh there's nothing to worry about, he'll be fine..." sort of way, but in a mocking, cruel "you're neurotic" sort of way. I wasn't freaked out about it, but I knew that my son was worried about it and I was also worried in case they couldn't get it out because I didn't want them to have to deal with it under anaesthetic. I told him I was only talking to him looking for a little emotional support so I wouldn't worry my son about it and because it wasn't exactly going to be a fun outing. More fool me to ask for that, he winced his face up like I was stupid+crazy.

So I take him to the appointment today and it really wasn't too bad, but my son WAS worried. I acted like it was no big deal and how he's such a big brave boy (which he is). The doctor was really good and actually dealt with him with kid gloves more than I would have - because I know my son doesn't freak out easily. He got the 'thing' out (like a sequin but not a sequin).

When my husband got home he asked about the ear and I said they got it out and that it was fine. He literally said "I told you so, you were being ridiculous" and then said "But hey, he was worried..." My husband said "I wonder why" and then said "The least you could do is apologise to me as it wasn't a big deal."

Ughhh and now I just feel sick...not a nice thing to have to do - and belittled for being reasonably concerned about it.

[bethFromDayton]

Originally Posted by AlmostMe

My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive.
My mood has taken another nose dive. I've been wondering what I'd done to make him turn on me again.

You haven't done anything to make him turn on you. That is who he is--he is verbally and emotionally abusive. You know this about him.

I'm a stranger and I'm not in your shoes. But I think you should get out of there, with your son, as soon as humanly possible. I'm serious. If you can't or won't leave for your own best interests, what about your son? He is learning how to treat people--he is learning how husbands treat wives. And the lesson he is learning is not one you want him to learn.

He's even got you believing that you might have done something to make him this way--please, seek help. Please, seek a way to leave.

[Amygdala]

I'm sorry
It does really sound like you're in a bad place right now. It's cruel of him to say negative things about you to your son.
What are your plans for the future? Did you already consider counseling or a seperation?

[thinin08]

AlmostMe, my heart goes out to you. The most important thing I want you to remember when his verbal attacks start is... this is not about you. The attacks are not about anything you have done.

His verbal attacks are about him having a need to make himself feel better by attacking you.

Kudos for taking care of your son. You did an excellent job and my perception of you is that you are a wonderful, loving, and caring mother with very good instincts.

I watch my beautiful 35 yo daughter go through this with her husband. He is slowly destroying her spirit and uniqueness. I have stepped in and told him what he is doing is wrong. He is better for a couple of days then goes right back to tearing her down. Nothing she ever does is good enough and it never will be. I have told her when she is ready she and my DGD always have a home with me.

This is about him, not you!

[AlmostMe]

I do know it's not really about me. He's been under a lot of stress at work...largely self-inflicted... and when he feels bad about himself he makes himself feel better by lashing out.

I want to go, but my life has spiralled downwards. I have some logistical issues (I live in another country than where I'm from and wouldn't be able to leave with my son). I'm not working now. I just need to get a lawyer.

The lesson he's teaching my son is unforgivable.

Thinin - I hear you, I feel like my spirit has been slowly crushed - it's hard to climb out when you feel so low. I wish my mother was as supportive as you are.

[3CatsMeow]

Domestic abuse (be it physical, emotional, verbal) is an absolutely horrible thing to have to go through. You have taken the right step though by telling other people, and also acknowledging what is really happening to you.

You say your mother is not supportive, does she fully know what is happening, or does she only know half the story?

I agree with other posters, you are brave and good mother for not wanting to let your son grow up with this. You both deserve to live in a home free from any abuse.

[tubolard]

for you, you are in a tough spot.
I watch my sister go through this. While she cries and gets angry about how she is treated she stays with this, I don't want to use the word man because a man doesn't act like that, person. But she doesn't leave, she watches him ignore and/or be cruel to their 3 kids and still she stays. He put her in the hospital at least 2 times, put his foot on her chest when she was on the floor having an asthma attack after he hurt her, etc, etc.
I think he has stopped the physical abuse but he treats her like dirt, and still she stays. If I were you, if I were her, I would tell him you have 3 months, 1 month, (whatever amount of time you are willing to put up with it and/or have it escalate) and if things haven't changed for the better we need to re-evaluate our marriage. I would not want my kids to think that is how a man acts with his wife.
I know kind of where you are coming from. My hubby and I got married very young, had kids immediately and were physically, mentally and verbally abusive to each other. We just didn't know any better, that was how his dad treated his mom and I wasn't going to take it and not give it back so there we went. I am not blaming my hubby for everything, I freely admit I would start things just for some stress relief in a sick, sad way. My oldest saw stuff I would give anything to take back but he was so little (about 2 1/2 when we stopped being stupid at each other) he really doesn't remember it ( I hope). Now we have a great marriage, not to say we don't have rough patches, we are having one now as a matter of fact, but we never cross certain lines anymore.
If you think he might be violent if you tell him to change or get out basically, I would pack and leave while he is gone, don't take the chance, but if you think he will want to be with you as a loving family it is worth the try. Sorry this is so long. I really hope things get better for you.

[Comicbookmommy]

I'm so sorry you're going through this It made me tear up!

I've been emotionally/physically abused before after my first son was born, and after hanging around too long, I FINALLY left my ex.

Abuse is abuse. If you've told him his behavior hurts you and he still does it, then it's time to leave. I know it's easier said than done, but you do not want your son growing up learning THAT is how you treat women.

While abused, I too struggled with eating and weight. It wasn't until put myself in "survival" mode (that's what i call it anyway) that I was able to lose weight and escape my ex. I was so "in love" with my ex that it kept me trapped. Kept me thinking I must be the wrong one, and that I had to stay for my son. So I started emotionally distancing myself, and that was my escape route. When my ex came home and started verbally abusing me, I didn't let myself feel anything. I just went about my day. Over time this became easier and easier until I felt stable enough to walk out. It's a good thing I did, because I met the love of my life a year later!

Anyway, I know that your situation is different, but I don't want you thinking you are doomed to be this way forever. You have the power to conquer anything deep inside you.

Support and hug I hope you feel better very soon!

[ChickieBoom]

I don't know that it's my place to tell someone to leave their husband but something needs to change. At the very least, don't allow his abuse to derail you from your healthy path. You are doing something vitally important for your health and your future, don't allow his words to make you overeat.

Can you start to put your foot down? Tell him that it's unacceptable for him to talk to you the way that he does. Maybe walk away and tell him that you can talk when he can address you with respect.

Try couples counseling to help him learn more effective ways to communicate?

Something in this situation needs to change and you're the one who's got to change it.

I wish you well.

[Lecomtes]

You haven't done anything to make him turn on you. That is ON HIM. Have you spoken to him directly about how how words make you feel?
His comment in front of your child about you being lazy is seriously NOT OK.
My father was extremely verbally abusive to my mother when I was growing up (still is), and later all those hurtful words were directed at me.
I beg of you, having lived through the non-stop demeaning of my mother, DEMAND RESPECT FROM YOUR HUSBAND,, tell him when the things he says are inappropriate, and if he does not respect you enough to alter his behavior, find another. Nobody deserves to be spoken to that way, and most importantly, no child needs that example.
Experience has taught me that young boys who are raised by such a man, turn out like such a man. Young girls who are raised by such a man, I can personally attest, wind up with the same level of confidence their mother set the example for...not much.
Be strong. For yourself, and for your son. Tell your husband when his words hurt you. I'm keeping you in prayers.
You are a GOOD MOMMY for being concerned about your BABY! Much admiration to you!

[IAmTheGlue]

You may seek the assistance of an organization such as CODA (Council on Domestic Abuse). I am not sure what they have in your country, but I imagine they have something similar to CODA.

CODA helped me out of my first marriage. They offer housing, childcare, legal services... support. The only thing I actually needed was the support. I needed someone to say this is not right, any abuse is wrong. I needed someone to go to court with me and be my backbone. It was very instrumental in me being able to leave my husband.

I did not want my children to think that how I was living was right. I did not want my sons to think that is how to treat women and I did NOT want my daughter to think for a second that it was okay for a man to treat her that way. I know leaving it cannot be done without the right type of support. I realize your situation is complex because of the citizenship thing, but seek out the support you can. Seek out what services you have available.

[fadedbluejeans]

I'm sorry you're going through this.I'm in a similar situation - but I thank god I'm not married to him, own my home and have a job that pays the bills. Even so, I feel trapped, because no matter what we will always be connected due to my daughter. I can only imagine how you feel being in a another country and without independent finances.
But don't hurt yourself because of him. Stay on your program. Your son needs you to take care of yourself.

[IanG]

I'm a crap husband and not a great father either, but I wouldn't speak to my wife like that. Sorry to hear about this.

[Missys Mom]

I dont know what to say other than I agree with everyone here.....take care of yourself and your son. Find some support and find a way out. I have been in this situation, I put up with abuse from my ex husband for 15 years because I didnt think I could get anyone else....since I left in 2007 I am still alone. Some days it gets to me, most days I love being single. The only drawback, I live back at home with my mom due to financial issues. Keeping you in my thoughts

[firegirl441]

Both of my daughters have been through abusive relationships. They grew up in that type of situation with their birth mother. She abandoned them and I adopted them when they were 6. Their baby brother was 4 1/2. My first husband and I had a very dysfunctional marriage, but my kids were not aware of it. I raised them to be independent and to think for themselves. I have finally intervened enough that they both finally saw the light and have left the situations that included verbal, mental and physical aspects. They each have children so I am glad that I finally got through to them. One of my daughters I even had to report the physical abuse to DFCS for the third time before they intervened and told her she could either leave him for good because he could never be around my grandson again or they would take my grandson from her and she would not get him back. I had to do whatever it took for her to realize that this was a very serious matter.