[Doomkitty]

My first and only boyfriend betrayed me in the worst way possible. He cheated on me - twice. It was my fault that there was ever a second time but I was wrecked after the first slip anyways.

The first incident was in June of 2011, the second in December of the same year. Since August 2011, I've gone out with maybe a dozen men. I fell for one really hard and after that, things changed. My feelings went haywire. He hurt me; he drug me along for over a year letting me think I had a shot when I didn't. We're still friends because I don't believe he intended to hurt me, I think he was afraid of hurting me. A silly mistake but I can understand it.

I went from feeling intensely in love with him to feeling almost nothing starting sometime during the summer of 2012. I detach really quickly these days. Sometimes a wall springs up as soon as I start to feel something besides anger, anxiety, or fear. I can't commit, I panic. Sometimes it's startling how quickly I can remove myself emotionally from a situation. I can do it within a matter of minutes, go from feeling sad, happy, or even guilty to total neutrality.

It has enhanced my ability to think logically. It's like all pain has been removed and I can fight harder, go rougher, do more. I'm currently trying to find a way to separate myself from my family - they're dysfunctional and abusive - and I'm willing to do almost anything to accomplish this goal, including picking up a part time job and freelance work on top of my full time gig. I can't feel fear or pain and even tiredness is merely a temporary status ailment. It's like I'm robotic. I have a goal locked in my sights and I won't stop until I reach it. And I'm mean about it, I'm vindictive. I think of the freedom, yes, but I also think of throwing things back in my parents' face after years and years of abuse, manipulation, selfishness, and fighting. Admittedly, a larger portion of my goal is negative rather than positive.

I've tried running a search on emotional detachment but all I seem to be able to find are books on how to become detached in a healthy way. I'm pretty sure I'm already past that… I'm not sure what to do, I don't know if I can afford therapy and I don't know if there is even a label for this. Any input would be appreciated because while I can shut down through periods of intense stress and pain, I am trampling on the people around me almost every time I make a decision and I'm not really enjoying life, I'm just breathing.

[nomorejellybeans]

I really have no idea. However, after reading your post I immediately thought that you needed time alone. Time to regroup, refocus, etc. Time to find and build on your own strengths.

Good luck to you! Keep us posted.

[marcwell]

I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing such emotional pain. I would try reaching out to therapists. Many of them are willing to lower their fees based on your income.

[AlmostMe]

Abusive relationships? Detachment is great. Right where you should be. Vindictive behaviour? You're not really detached.

I also detect that you have problems identifying when men aren't treating you right - you tolerate it for too long. Pretty classic behaviour by someone who comes from an abusive background. I still do it, so I have no answers. But keep questioning and challenging your own behaviour and responses. Keep holding people accountable for the way they behave today.

[shcirerf]

Sometimes, checking out is a good thing. It gives you some time to take a breath and find yourself.

The thing is, at some point in time, you will need to deal with the emotional baggage.

You can't go through life without any feelings.