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My mom wants me FAT!!!! (Complex mental issues)

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Old 03-28-2012, 11:35 PM   #1
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Post My mom wants me FAT!!!! (Complex mental issues)

Hello,

I am new here and I just joined a couple of days ago. I just feel like my mom wants me to be fat. I know it sounds strange or ironic, but after multiple things that I notice about her, I've come to this conclusion. When I eat a meal, I am already tempted to binge eat (I have two eating disorders. Binge eating/bulimia) and I tell myself to stop. Then my mom will come over and say "here is more food for you to eat." I tell her that I'm full, but she continues to give me more food. She does this 80% of the time. I'm not blaming her for my obesity, but it probably has something to do with how I view food.

I dont know if this is the reason behind why she is doing this or thinks that giving me food after I'm full is good, but there is some motive. I tell her all the time that I dont want the food, and she insists that I eat when I'm full. One time she said "Oh, you want to be skinny like those women on TV." I told her "No, I'm just not hungry." and she said " Well, then go ahead and eat this food." I feel so guilty after giving in to her requests, but I just keep letting her do this to me. I just want to keep the peace and not argue with her.

I am 24 btw, and I think she is doing this so that I wont ever have a man be attracted to me. I am an only child and we live together, so its just me and her. She always talks about how men are not good and how they will be a bad influence on me. So I think she wants me fat to protect me from bad experiences with men. Furthermore, she doesnt have to worry about me having boyfriends because I've reached the size where I am completely invisible.

I really want gastric bypass surgery and I think that its the only way that I can escape from this **** I am in. With each pound I gain, I feel like a piece of my life is slipping away. I think about food all the time. I think about whether I should eat it and throw it up afterwards because gaining another pound feels like Ive lost and failed again. I really want to be skinny because at least I wont have to worry so much. I worry about everything. I worry about whether people are looking at me and if I can fit in a seat. Its very stressful. My mom is tricky. I love her, but Im not sure why she tells me that I should lose weight, but then the next she tells me that I need to eat when Im full.

I am just so confused about my life. My life is very stagnant. I cant have normal relationships because of my weight. People try to be polite, but they really dont want anything to do with me because I'm of size. I have only one friend who I can talk to. I have a lot of guy acquaintances, but they see me as "one of the guys". Sometimes I do feel like a "man" on the outside because thats what guys treat me like. I just feel like because Im over the weight limit, I will never be able to experience love. I am in a very bad situation because I want to lose weight, but I cant get the motivation to loose it. I dont have the strength, the will, or the power to conquer it.

I have no support. I have no one who understands me and what its like to be an obese college student. Everyone is skinny and they dont have to live like I do. Its very hard to write this down, because these are deep secrets that I never share with anyone!!!

I tried going to the gym about 6 months ago, and it was the most horrible experience ever. You would think that a gym would be filled with fat women and men. But it was the total opposite. All the people there were very skinny. I felt like I was about to get attacked and I felt ashamed because I was not smaller. I know that the gym is a good place, but I felt so horrible and I almost got sick because of the stares I was getting. Its hard for me to deal with my emotions because this weight has torn me down to shreds. Sometimes I dont even know who I am anymore.

I feel like everyday I mask myself until the point where I loose my identity. I feel like if I dont get skinny or at least within the weight limit, that I will never be happy. Because in the back of my mind, I will always blame my size on missed opportunities, and the reason why something didnt work out.
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Old 03-28-2012, 11:46 PM   #2
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I'm going to start from the bottom of the post and work my way up. Try a different gym! Each gym caters to a different crowd and has a different vibe. Some are full of athletes where others are full of everyday and over weight individuals.

I am also a university student, and you are correct that the obesity numbers in university/college are very little. Most students are either of normal weight or just slightly over weight. Since you are in school, you should have access to a councilor. I suggest meeting with one to talk about feeling like you have no support. They are great outlets and will most likely know of different workshops or groups in the area made up of people suffering from the same issues as you. A councilor would also help you work through your feelings toward your mother.

Surgery won't make everything better. It won't make your mother stop offering you food, it won't stop the belima. You need to work through the personal issues before you seek surgical help with this issue.

You are 24 years old. You need to learn how to say NO. She is your mother, but not your owner. She isn't literally shoving the food down your throat. You need to say "Im not hungry" and WALK AWAY. Go brush your teeth! Nothing ever tastes good after brushing your teeth. Go for a walk if she won't stop. Does she know about your belima? If not, come clean and maybe she will stop trying to pressure you into eating more. You are right about her not wanting to let you go. She seems very emotionally attached to you, but you can not let her ruin your life. If she won't stop, and if you can't find the power to walk away, is there another relative you can move in with until you overcome your eating habits?
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Old 03-28-2012, 11:59 PM   #3
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I'm going to start from the bottom of the post and work my way up. Try a different gym! Each gym caters to a different crowd and has a different vibe. Some are full of athletes where others are full of everyday and over weight individuals.

I am also a university student, and you are correct that the obesity numbers in university/college are very little. Most students are either of normal weight or just slightly over weight. Since you are in school, you should have access to a councilor. I suggest meeting with one to talk about feeling like you have no support. They are great outlets and will most likely know of different workshops or groups in the area made up of people suffering from the same issues as you. A councilor would also help you work through your feelings toward your mother.

Surgery won't make everything better. It won't make your mother stop offering you food, it won't stop the belima. You need to work through the personal issues before you seek surgical help with this issue.

You are 24 years old. You need to learn how to say NO. She is your mother, but not your owner. She isn't literally shoving the food down your throat. You need to say "Im not hungry" and WALK AWAY. Go brush your teeth! Nothing ever tastes good after brushing your teeth. Go for a walk if she won't stop. Does she know about your belima? If not, come clean and maybe she will stop trying to pressure you into eating more. You are right about her not wanting to let you go. She seems very emotionally attached to you, but you can not let her ruin your life. If she won't stop, and if you can't find the power to walk away, is there another relative you can move in with until you overcome your eating habits?
I went to a counselor and a dietician. I tried to get into the eating disorder program at school, and they rejected me. I tried to tell the psychologist my problems, and they dismissed me. The dietician didnt help me and she started treating me badly because I didnt loose the weight fast enough. Now, I dont have anyone I can go to.

I cant live with family, because I dont have any. Also, I cant tell anyone because they are very judgemental and they dont believe bulimia is an actual disorder. So there is no one. I have to do it alone.

I am never going back to a gym until I get skinny. I am planning on saving for a treadmill in my home, thats where I feel most comfortable.
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:13 AM   #4
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I went to a counselor and a dietician. I tried to get into the eating disorder program at school, and they rejected me. I tried to tell the psychologist my problems, and they dismissed me. The dietician didnt help me and she started treating me badly because I didnt loose the weight fast enough. Now, I dont have anyone I can go to.

I cant live with family, because I dont have any. Also, I cant tell anyone because they are very judgemental and they dont believe bulimia is an actual disorder. So there is no one. I have to do it alone.

I am never going back to a gym until I get skinny. I am planning on saving for a treadmill in my home, thats where I feel most comfortable.
Home workout machines work for alot of people, so it's good that you are planning on getting one. Do you live in an area where walking is easy? If so, you could try building up your endurance by walking a little each day. It depends on your current fitness level on how long you should start off with and how soon you should increase your time/distance.

Since you have already tried talking to someone in real life, then coming to this site was a great idea! It is an extremely active community filled with women/men from all walks of life. Whenever I am struggling with something, this is usually my first place (I have a good support system between my husband and best friend, but I can't talk to people in real life. I have some mental issue with showing weakness and opening up to people I actually know, but I am an open-book to online folk lol!)

Have you sat down to talk to your mom about this? Like a completely serious heart to heart, not just a "mom, I dont want any food, please stop asking" kind of thing? If so and she still has not listened, then I really suggest leaving the house for a walk or going into a different room. It is hard to stand up to our parents sometimes, but eventually you are the one being effected by it and it is causing you to not be happy with your life. Which is worse, pissing mom off a little bit or continuing to feel the way you do now? If you are serious about this weight loss and wanting to change your life, you need to put your foot down. Its not always easy, but its not easy being over weight and hating your life either.

Is there anyway you could always cook for yourself? I live with 5 people (mom, dad, brother, husband and myself.....long story), and my mother always cooks really unhealthy food. When I moved back home, I LOVED having home cooked meals everyday, and then I went "holy crap I can't eat this every night". I now buy and cook all of my own food so I am able to modify it to suit my dietary needs. If you can cook your own food, you will have the ability to cook only one serving and/or you will be eating at different times then your mother so she will not be able to tell you to eat more.
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:20 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Candeka View Post
Home workout machines work for alot of people, so it's good that you are planning on getting one. Do you live in an area where walking is easy? If so, you could try building up your endurance by walking a little each day. It depends on your current fitness level on how long you should start off with and how soon you should increase your time/distance.

Since you have already tried talking to someone in real life, then coming to this site was a great idea! It is an extremely active community filled with women/men from all walks of life. Whenever I am struggling with something, this is usually my first place (I have a good support system between my husband and best friend, but I can't talk to people in real life. I have some mental issue with showing weakness and opening up to people I actually know, but I am an open-book to online folk lol!)

Have you sat down to talk to your mom about this? Like a completely serious heart to heart, not just a "mom, I dont want any food, please stop asking" kind of thing? If so and she still has not listened, then I really suggest leaving the house for a walk or going into a different room. It is hard to stand up to our parents sometimes, but eventually you are the one being effected by it and it is causing you to not be happy with your life. Which is worse, pissing mom off a little bit or continuing to feel the way you do now? If you are serious about this weight loss and wanting to change your life, you need to put your foot down. Its not always easy, but its not easy being over weight and hating your life either.

Is there anyway you could always cook for yourself? I live with 5 people (mom, dad, brother, husband and myself.....long story), and my mother always cooks really unhealthy food. When I moved back home, I LOVED having home cooked meals everyday, and then I went "holy crap I can't eat this every night". I now buy and cook all of my own food so I am able to modify it to suit my dietary needs. If you can cook your own food, you will have the ability to cook only one serving and/or you will be eating at different times then your mother so she will not be able to tell you to eat more.

Yeah, I rather not tell her, its easier that way. Because the way my family is its best for me to keep it to myself. Id rather steer away from that route. I walk mostly everyday when going to Uni, but I rather not go outside for exercise until I get thinner. For now, the treadmill in my home is the best option for me because my anxiety levels are down.
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:26 AM   #6
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Yeah, I rather not tell her, its easier that way. Because the way my family is its best for me to keep it to myself. Id rather steer away from that route. I walk mostly everyday when going to Uni, but I rather not go outside for exercise until I get thinner. For now, the treadmill in my home is the best option for me because my anxiety levels are down.
My husband suffers from anxiety so I can completely understand how much it can affect certain tasks. Good luck with your journey. Remember that diet is far more effective in weight loss than exercise though.
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:29 AM   #7
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I really feel for your situation!! My mom is a major food pusher too. I have gotten much better at saying "no"like and I basically told her if she needs to give me food (it makes her feel good-she buys me stuff I don't ask for but I like) I told her to only buy me fruit as a treat if she wants to get me something. She still constantly tries to get me to eat more than I want or need but I have learned to walk away. I go do something else... it makes dieting so much harder.
As far as being uncomfortable in the gym, I know what you mean. All those perfect people love to stare at the out of shape... I do get self conscious and have to tell myself to remember that I am there for ME not to impress anyone else. I haven't been to the gym in 2 months since school started so either tomorrow or Friday will be my first day back and I am looking forward to the rush swimming gives me I maybe if you could try to work on caring less about what other people think it will help, that takes time though.
as far as the dietician and counselor- you need to find someone new. Just because they are educated doesn't mean they are good at what they do. Something else someone on here suggested when I posted about my mom sabotaging me- if she tries to force food on you and won't take no for an answer, take the food and pour bleach on it then thros it in the trash-try to get the point across. I wish you luck.
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:39 AM   #8
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My heart goes out to you! Is it possible that your mom doesn't have some ugly motive, but perhaps shows her love by feeding you way too much? Is there a regular MD kinda doctor at your school? Sometimes just a general practice person can be more help than a whole pile of "specialists". If the first one doesn't help, find another and another until someone listens to you!

I am old ;-) and it doesn't really matter what ppl think of me when I am exercising anymore. Mostly they are supportive, which is a LOT different than if I was 24. Nonetheless, I would not be caught dead in a gym, any gym, anywhere! There are a lot of other ways to get exercise. My way is walking and hiking, mostly, though I do like to ride a bicycle as often as I can. I hope it is encouraging to you if I tell you about when I first started trying to lose 93 lbs., February 20, 2010. I couldn't even walk around a single block without a rest. Since I have to live in a real world, and I'm not rich enough to buy special foods or join weight loss programs, I decided to count calories. And to figure out how to eat as much food as I can without too much crap and garbage junk food. More whole foods, like brown rice instead of white, or beans instead of potatoes. Very little fat, and good fat when I have it. Gobs and gobs of spinach for bulk so I feel full. Anyhow, when I first started, I would go around the block each time I felt like I wanted to eat some junk food. By the time I made it around, like 1/2 hour, 45 minutes later maybe even longer...I was usually not thinking about food, just huffing and puffing and wanting a glass of water! It took a while, but eventually, I walked around without a struggle. Then two blocks. Then further. Then on very short hikes w/my hubs and now I can do 5 hours of hiking up and down some pretty steep hills in the mtns where we live. It didn't happen overnight, though.

The good news is that it's free to just walk and you don't have to use anyone else's standards. You can walk as much or as little as you want. My only rule once I started was to never ever do less on the same trail. Each time had to be as long as or longer than the time before, 'cause I know if I can do it once, I can do it twice or more ;-)

Oh, I meant to ask if your Mom is overweight? A lot of times, families seem to encourage the same bad habits with each other. Maybe she needs you to reassure her that you will still love her when you are fit and thinner? Maybe she would like to walk and talk with you?

Anyhow, welcome to 3FC and know that you are in a great place to get ideas and support and encouragement.

Barb

If you don't want to go outside, you might try using one of the Leslie Sansone videos. They are called "Walk Away the Pounds at Home" and you can again go at your own pace. You can get a dvd at Walmart for around $10. That's how I "walk" when the weather is too bad to go outside.
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:45 AM   #9
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I really feel for your situation!! My mom is a major food pusher too. I have gotten much better at saying "no"like and I basically told her if she needs to give me food (it makes her feel good-she buys me stuff I don't ask for but I like) I told her to only buy me fruit as a treat if she wants to get me something. She still constantly tries to get me to eat more than I want or need but I have learned to walk away. I go do something else... it makes dieting so much harder.
As far as being uncomfortable in the gym, I know what you mean. All those perfect people love to stare at the out of shape... I do get self conscious and have to tell myself to remember that I am there for ME not to impress anyone else. I haven't been to the gym in 2 months since school started so either tomorrow or Friday will be my first day back and I am looking forward to the rush swimming gives me I maybe if you could try to work on caring less about what other people think it will help, that takes time though.
as far as the dietician and counselor- you need to find someone new. Just because they are educated doesn't mean they are good at what they do. Something else someone on here suggested when I posted about my mom sabotaging me- if she tries to force food on you and won't take no for an answer, take the food and pour bleach on it then thros it in the trash-try to get the point across. I wish you luck.
Yeah, I tried going to a doctor at school and I hate going because they are so judgemental. They rarely help. So that why I avoid going to the doctor at all costs unless necessary.
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:49 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by angelskeep View Post
My heart goes out to you! Is it possible that your mom doesn't have some ugly motive, but perhaps shows her love by feeding you way too much? Is there a regular MD kinda doctor at your school? Sometimes just a general practice person can be more help than a whole pile of "specialists". If the first one doesn't help, find another and another until someone listens to you!

I am old ;-) and it doesn't really matter what ppl think of me when I am exercising anymore. Mostly they are supportive, which is a LOT different than if I was 24. Nonetheless, I would not be caught dead in a gym, any gym, anywhere! There are a lot of other ways to get exercise. My way is walking and hiking, mostly, though I do like to ride a bicycle as often as I can. I hope it is encouraging to you if I tell you about when I first started trying to lose 93 lbs., February 20, 2010. I couldn't even walk around a single block without a rest. Since I have to live in a real world, and I'm not rich enough to buy special foods or join weight loss programs, I decided to count calories. And to figure out how to eat as much food as I can without too much crap and garbage junk food. More whole foods, like brown rice instead of white, or beans instead of potatoes. Very little fat, and good fat when I have it. Gobs and gobs of spinach for bulk so I feel full. Anyhow, when I first started, I would go around the block each time I felt like I wanted to eat some junk food. By the time I made it around, like 1/2 hour, 45 minutes later maybe even longer...I was usually not thinking about food, just huffing and puffing and wanting a glass of water! It took a while, but eventually, I walked around without a struggle. Then two blocks. Then further. Then on very short hikes w/my hubs and now I can do 5 hours of hiking up and down some pretty steep hills in the mtns where we live. It didn't happen overnight, though.

The good news is that it's free to just walk and you don't have to use anyone else's standards. You can walk as much or as little as you want. My only rule once I started was to never ever do less on the same trail. Each time had to be as long as or longer than the time before, 'cause I know if I can do it once, I can do it twice or more ;-)

Oh, I meant to ask if your Mom is overweight? A lot of times, families seem to encourage the same bad habits with each other. Maybe she needs you to reassure her that you will still love her when you are fit and thinner? Maybe she would like to walk and talk with you?

Anyhow, welcome to 3FC and know that you are in a great place to get ideas and support and encouragement.

Barb

If you don't want to go outside, you might try using one of the Leslie Sansone videos. They are called "Walk Away the Pounds at Home" and you can again go at your own pace. You can get a dvd at Walmart for around $10. That's how I "walk" when the weather is too bad to go outside.
You seem very kind and experienced. I wish I could follow strict diet rules, but for some reason I cant stay commited. I dont know what else to do besides self-induced vomiting. I dont feel like I can commit. Hiking is fun because at least I can be alone without other people watching me. Its much easier for me to be active when I am alone because then I can actually enjoy it. Yeah, I rather stay indoors until I get skinny. Thanks.
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Old 03-29-2012, 01:53 PM   #11
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Sometimes those closest to us sabotage our efforts. My mom lives an ocean away, but I know she likes it when I'm fatter than her and has even sabotaged my efforts to quit smoking. Sometimes you need to point out her behaviour and tell her what effect it's having on you - she may not know or realise!

But sometimes you have to accept that even those who are supposed to love you don't treat you as well as they should.

But it also sounds to me like you're putting up obstacles to your progress and blaming others. Doctors aren't sympathetic. Your mom is sabotaging. The people at the gym are staring.

I don't know what your gym is like and every gym has a different culture, but the ones I go to people are mainly concerned with their own workouts. I'm quite heavy and I love the gym. Yeah, of course I get self-conscious from time to time. And yes there are some people in the world who are really rude. But their opinions matter less than YOUR goals and you taking care of yourself.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:22 PM   #12
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Good afternoon and hugs to you!
I hope you will be kind to yourself! I am of the opinion that every body and I do mean every body has that same nagging, awful, insecure little voice in their head no matter what their size is.
I also think that if you are stalled and feeling like you don't know where to start - start small. Baby steps. There are so many kind-hearted and knowledgeable people on this website that surely there are ideas and suggestions you will be able to use.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:26 PM   #13
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I have 17 years of disordered eating behind me.

The problem was I didn't plan so I felt guilty every time I ate. I had no idea what a real portion was or what or how much I should be eating. Despite knowing what foods were "healthy" I would go to the extreme. Weight loss and health don't need to be so black and white.

I love to eat. I love to eat so much, but I know that I can't because it will make me unhealthy and get me further from my goals. So I plan to make myself succeed. I plan out my entire day and stick with it. At the beginning each day may be a struggle, but eventually it gets easier. Since I like to eat so much, I plan for my day to have 3 meals/3 snacks and at the beginning, I had it planned out to a "T." I knew what time, what, and how much of each meal I would be eating the following day. Having so many meal times means that I am satisfied (not full) at the end of each one, and I already know that I've already planned to be eating something in a few hours.

I recommend home videos if you're really anxious about working out in front of others. A good beginner series is Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds. It's do-able every single day, but even if you can't - one day is better than none!

Keep trying to find a therapist who you trust and who you click with. There is nothing better than being able to release some of that pressure.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:35 PM   #14
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hi - you can see my stats off at the side and i've been bigger.

about the gym: i went to a chi-chi-foo-foo where women literally put on makeup to go work out. i used to rage at them inside my head and had nothing but contempt.

one woman, in particular, drove me MAD. she would loll around on the treadmill forEVER (even though there was a 30min time limit). her hair was all "did", she had on big fake lashes, she wore gold and purple eyeshadow to match her gold and purple nails and her gold and purple spandex. she was a very large black lady and she'd just saunter along forever and EVER yakking away to her friends on the next station. id' be peeking over every 5min thinking "@#$@#Q$#!@$!@#$@#$ I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! I AM LATE!!!!" and yet when i complained to the staff, they never told her to get off - they just bumped someone else so i could get my time in before i had to run for work.

one day, my shift was unexpectedly cancelled bec the drive shafts didn't pass inspection so the line was down. i was, on the one hand, happy for a day off but, on the other hand, ticked that i was losing money. so i went did a bit of this and a bit of that and showed up at the gym later than usual. i went into the change room and this lady - Queen Latifah wannabe (what i had mentally dubbed her) - came out of the shower.

she had no hair.
she had no eyebrows.
she had no eyelashes.
she had no breasts.

so yeah - colour me "lesson learned" about presuming to know what other ppl at the gym are thinking.

on other occasions, i've been convinced that guys were staring at me to mock or sneer. more than once, he would come over and say "i've been watching you and i wanted you to know that i'm impressed by your dedication - it's really showing results".

i've thought women were snickering - only to have one come up and say "i used to be your size - keep at it, it's totally worth it".

never think that ppl at the gym are sneering at you bec they're small - what you see today is not the sum of their history just like what someone sees when they look at you months and years down the road won't be your total story.




and yes: you ARE putting obstacles in your own path.

i run into that all the time with my mother - she says "help me, i need to lose weight" but everything i suggest, she has a reason why it won't work.

the only reason nothing works is because you are following the script written for you by your mother. you have all kinds of excuses why this didn't work, that didn't work, the other didn't work - but that's all they are: excuses.

even the surgery won't help - the surgery, when all is cut and stitched, is nothing more than a forced method of calorie counting. you have vomiting issues so you're more likely than most to end up needing emergency treatment. and the recidivism rate for gastric surgery is dreadful.

you want to revamp your body and your life - you're going to have to start by vacuuming all the dust bunnies of bad habits and negative thinking from the inside of your skull. for that, you need to find a counsellor you click with - just because someone is "A" counsellor doesn't mean they will be "YOUR" counsellor.

you need to find the one that will tell you truths you don't want to hear but who you respect enough to listen to them regardless.

as long as you have this negative pattern of thinking, you'll just spin your wheels.

as for your mother, there's a saying by a great lady, Eleanor Roosevelt (not "Rigby" like i was about to type, sigh):

"No one can make you feel bad without your consent".




just to add: take a look at my profile picture. i am NOT the one wearing the shades, lol. the lady to the left of me wearing black and cheering her head off is melissa - she took first place (i took third). she's in the army. the entire competition was like that - NO bad-mouthing or backbiting allowed, you get bounced from the competition for negativity. we all cheered our butts off, even for the girl who came in last, built like a newborn colt, must've weighed 15lbs soaking wet. she tried so hard to get those tires off the ground she literally collapsed and needed oxygen support. not one breath of "why are you up there" or "wasting time" or anything like that - from all competitors and spectators, it was "go! go! you can do it!" and so on.

Last edited by threenorns : 03-29-2012 at 02:47 PM.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:45 PM   #15
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You don't want to go to the gym. You don't want to talk to a doctor. You don't want to talk to a counselor. You don't want to talk to the dietician.
You din't want to diet.You can't say no to your mother when she pushes food on you.
How are you going to lose weight ?
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