Hey all. This is kinda long so feel free to skip lol. I just need to type it up and put it out there.
I've dealt with depression since my early teens. The one time I told a doctor he basically told me suck it up :/ Anyways, I had felt a bout coming on after the holidays and was fighting it with all I could but now I'm dealing with some extra issues.
My little sister, whom was born with congenital heart disease and has had 3 open hearts in her lifetime, has a tumor in her chest. She is having a biopsy on Thursday. I've been going with her to appointments, being her shoulder to cry on, helping her take care of her toddler because she's consumed with fear and can barely function etc. When I'm with her, I do not have to force myself to be strong, I just automatically am. I go into big-sister mode and just do what I have to do and wouldn't have it any other way.
When I get home, I'm exhausted and my walls start to crumble and I start dealing with my own fears and trying to not think the worst. It's interfering with exercising. I haven't worked out in 3 weeks. As far as eating, I have gone days with 600 calories but then there are a couple of days that I have just gorged with whatever was put in front of me. It's mindless eating and it doesn't even feel good. I just do it to make up for the calories I'm not getting when I skip meals.
I know this is bad and I know that I need to stop but part of me feels so depressed and out of control that I'm not even caring. What is happening to my sister is so much bigger than me losing weight in this moment.
I'm sorry for any triggers in this post. I just don't know what to do. I'm not even expecting for people to give me suggestions or tell me what to do. I just needed to get this out my head. I have no one to talk to, except my husband but he's dealing with his father being elderly and losing mobility so we both just end up unloading on each other and crying
I hate this so much.