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Originally Posted by aliasihaya
And you have someone that will sometimes give you a hug. I don't really have that. So it could be worse.
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I hate to admit it because I'm ashamed but...I'm pretty sure he's using me to some extent.
Maybe not maliciously or intentionally but I think I'm mostly backup in case his on again-off again girlfriend leaves. I don't think I actually matter...which contributes to feeling as though if I were better, people wouldn't leave all the time.
EDITED for fairness...he isn't mean, he's shown kindness and has been honest, so I always feel like if she weren't actually in and out of the picture, he'd have stuck around. I asked if he was ever actually interested in me romantically and he said yes. It's just a difficult situation and I have this bad feeling that I'm the only one who is going to get hurt...despite the fact that I feel I'm the more innocent party, all I wanted was the guy, it's not like I was the one going between boyfriends and messing crap up. >.<
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And I'm also extremely infatuated with my next door neighbor with the wife and two kids. He's completely unattainable, so this situation makes me miserable since I own my house and can't move. But I'm sure there is some reason that I've fallen for someone I could never have. But I'll deal with that later. So I understand that aspect too.
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It's interesting that you said that given my own situation...which I didn't actually detail.
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And I don't feel very feminine either. Because of my depression I tend to 'let myself go'. I don't really wear makeup to work anymore. My face is always broken out these days because I don't take care of it. And there are days that I work from home so I won't take a shower for days (TMI). And I wear the same things which gets old. Part of that is because it's so damn hard to find clothes that I like that aren't bedazzled or have huge ugly flowers all over them (I hate plus size stores).
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Between all of that, the romantic problems, and the feeling that you aren't worth being touched...you are almost exactly like me. @.@
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Both you and I need to meet some new people. Easier said then done when you're outside of school settings. I don't have any desire to hang out with my coworkers. And all of my other friends are busy with their lives. I only see them when they can pencil me into their schedule. (gee I'm not bitter... )
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I'm worried about this myself, I graduate in May and I wasted my entire time being alone and Depressed. =(
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But I would start with a therapist. Have you considered that?
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I've seen a few over the years, I keep getting moved around either as a result of transferring schools or therapists being too busy and whatnot. I'm supposed to call one up for yet another transfer but I avoided doing it for some reason. =/
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But I feel your pain. I'm working through it as well. This is a good place to vent. No one makes you feel ridiculous for what you post. So keep posting. And good luck. You never know. Something might eventually happen with that someone when you least expect it.
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Thank you for your help, truly, you're great.