Any other Borderlines here?

Alimar · 10-21-2011, 05:28 PM

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DreamAngelsHeavenly · 10-24-2011, 10:21 PM

Yeah me

mkroyer · 10-26-2011, 05:24 PM

im considered borderline.. such a stupid term, kwim? Supposeddly there really arent any "drugs" for Borderline, but specific types of therapy (cant remember what its called) helps the most. I, however, also have Generalized Anxiety disorder (which botthers me te most) and moderate to sometimes sever depression (goes in cycles).. For all THAT im taking Effexor, (just started), Zoloft and clorazapam.... a nice little cocktai i have going.
ANyone who has taken either effexor OR been on Flexiral (Muscle relaxant--> im not anymore) did you experience pretty extremem edema, or bloating/sweeling, espe3cialling in your feet and such?

DreamAngelsHeavenly · 10-26-2011, 10:22 PM

The counseling designed for Borderline is DBT (and works wonders with mood disorders as well) though CBT works well too. Personally, I haven't tried either, but am going to be starting to see a psychologist soon. I just started Lexapro 10 mg in the am a couple of weeks ago... So far so good. I also have depression and anxiety according to the psychiatrist... And I agree the anxiety is so bad- it is tearing up my stomach...

LovelyLeah · 10-29-2011, 01:04 AM

I am. Two and a half years ago I had been committed to the state psychiatric hospital for four months. I gained a lot of weight while I was in there. I think part of that was because of the meals as well as the meds. They had me doped up on Lithium, Zyprexa and Lamictal. Now I'm only on Lamictal and I'm doing great. I haven't been very symptomatic in 2 years. I still struggle with impulsiveness but I've gained a lot of control over it. I also still reflect the personalities of those I'm around so I've learned to be very careful who I hang out with.

Last semester I took a psych course and nearly died laughing when my professor said that Borderlines were both a therapists greatest dream and worse nightmare because they lie about what's going on in their lives because they fear rejection. Everything they say can be so good sounding, like they've got everything on track...then next thing they know they're in the psych ward. Hahaha, that was the story of my life. While I still lie to my therapist about things, she's really good and still making work towards living a healthy life. She's a no-sh** kinda girl and I like that. For the longest time I struggled to connect to any therapist.

I've done DBT four or five times. I really think it has some great things to offer. But it has to be a good fit for you. When I was committed it was after a DBT session I was in that was so shaming that I hated myself more then when I started. I attempted suicide on the way home from group by driving my car into the median at highway speeds. Part of that has to do with the impulsiveness of BPD but another part was that the DBT group had me convinced that I was hopeless.

BPD isn't a life sentence or a terminal illness. You may have doctors or therapists tell you that. They may say the many wind up alone or dead because of the illness. That doesn't have to be true. It takes work and a lot of decision making but you can live a very happy life despite the BPD. I've made a number decisions like no dating until all my interpersonal relationships are healthy and that I can wise decisions when conflict arises. Also I have a ton of rules about alcohol. I can't drink alone, I can't have alcohol in the house, if I drink it has to be with those I really trust, and when I drink I can't go passed tipsy to drunk. I also have rules about when I'm around guys and such. Keeping to these rules keeps me mentally healthy and that helps me lead a happy life.

aliasihaya · 10-30-2011, 06:53 PM

Wow. I just happened across this post and decided to look into it to see what it was about. I've never really known what Borderline referred to, but after reading LovelyLeah's post, I realized that I had some similarities. I just read a lot about BPD for the past few hours and I think it may fit me.

Now, I'm not prone to self-diagnosis. I prefer to leave it to the professionals. But I've been officially diagnosed with a mood disorder and depression as of about 5 years ago. I haven't even been diagnosed as bipolar, just a general mood disorder. I've never really understood it. So I'm on a lamictal, abilify, wellbutrin cocktail yet I've never really felt a difference. Through all of the different medications I've felt a lessening of the symptoms but they've never gone away. The depression, the rage, the suicidal thoughts...it's always there. And I've always tried to stress to my doctor that I've never experienced mania as far as I understand it. My swings tend to lows and then lower. I have unexpected reactions to events that lead to intense anger for no reason and I've had this my whole life. Just the extreme rage is what I always fight with. Yet I'd never seen an illness definition that seemed to fit until today.

Unfortunately I don't know what this means. My psychiatrist has me feeling too uncomfortable with her now that I rarely tell her the overall truth of how I'm doing. I just tell her bits and pieces, but mostly what she wants to hear. I know, great relationship. Now I'm thinking that i should switch doctors and start fresh. What I'm doing now isn't working. Maybe I should look for someone who specializes in Borderlines and see if I fit the diagnosis.

The sucky thing is what happens if I'm diagnosed? Apparently drugs aren't really supposed to help. But I want that magical pill. I can't imagine existing like this through therapy alone. Part of me just even wants to be admitted to a facility for the rest of my life so that I can live in **** in peace. Not sure what to do.

But in a wierd way, thanks for this post. It's opened my eyes to something that I've been wondering about recently as to whether I've gone down the right path. I think I may have taken a detour. Not sure how to get back on track.

Good luck to all of you.

LovelyLeah · 10-30-2011, 10:55 PM

For me, pills only even me out. The rest of the work I had to do myself. I understand what it's like to have the suicidal thoughts always there. Do you ever watch a movie or tv show and when something really uncomfortable or awkward happens to the main character you think "if that was me I would just kill myself" and mean it 100%. That was my life. I couldn't walk into a new room or place without first figuring out 5 ways I could off myself if I needed to. How effed up is that? I always knew two ways. I kept a knife on me at all times because I was a cutter so I knew that I could either slit my wrists or shove the knife into an electrical outlet. These memories even make me uncomfortable and I rarely share them with people I see face to face. There's a certain anonymity about the internet where I feel I can confess these things without backlash in my personal life.

I still struggle with certain things. My road to self-destruction left me with some addictions and habits that have been hard to kick. While I haven't self-injured in over a year and a half, I still think about it a lot when I hold an x-acto blade or pocket knife. From junior high up until 2 years ago I struggled with a disordered eating cycle that has left me without much of a metabolism. So healthy weight loss is really hard for me. You would not believe the struggles I have had mentally with not over-restricting. Because 2 years ago there was a point when I was barely scraping by with 1500 calories a WEEK. While I am now in control of my choices and I now keep those thoughts in check, I do still struggle with them.

DBT really has taught me certain life skills that I still use today. And I stand by decision make as the key. Sit down when you aren't emotionally compromised and make a list of your morals. Lay them out so they are black and white. Because when you get emotional or impulsive things go gray very fast and it gets hard to tell up from down. One think that I believe saved me a lot of serious pain and heartache was that I was raised to not have sex before marriage. By the time I was 15 I chose to make that my moral code for dating. When I was 16 I was dating a 19 year old man who wanted nothing more from me than sex. Things got very grey for me at that time. Not only was I a horny teenager, I was also a borderline in an abusive relationship. I'm an so thankful now that I didn't sleep with him. While he certainly did try, I'm glad to say he didn't take that from me. Because I think that if I slept with him I would have given him even more control over me mentally than I already did. It was while dating him that I first wound up in the psych ward. It seems so long ago now.

aliasihaya · 11-02-2011, 09:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovelyLeah

For me, pills only even me out. The rest of the work I had to do myself. I understand what it's like to have the suicidal thoughts always there. Do you ever watch a movie or tv show and when something really uncomfortable or awkward happens to the main character you think "if that was me I would just kill myself" and mean it 100%. That was my life. I couldn't walk into a new room or place without first figuring out 5 ways I could off myself if I needed to. How effed up is that? I always knew two ways. I kept a knife on me at all times because I was a cutter so I knew that I could either slit my wrists or shove the knife into an electrical outlet. These memories even make me uncomfortable and I rarely share them with people I see face to face. There's a certain anonymity about the internet where I feel I can confess these things without backlash in my personal life.

I still struggle with certain things. My road to self-destruction left me with some addictions and habits that have been hard to kick. While I have self-injured in over a year and a half, I still think about it a lot when I hold an x-acto blade or pocket knife. .

I can TOTALLY relate to this. And yes I would never admit this to anyone face to face either. I haven't even told my doctors. But my first suicidal thought was when I was 11 and I was trying to figure out if I could hang myself with the curtain cords. And while I wouldn't actively try to commit suicide today (it would kill my mom and sister), I still think about it exactly how you do. It has lessened on the medication, but I don't really feel whole or balanced. I haven't cut in over a year too, but I struggle on those really tough nights. And the weight gain has been a curse and a safety blanket. Now I don't know how to untangle myself and it's not helping my wieght loss motivation.

I have been trying to find a new doctor recently. But I can't find anyone. I will only see female doctors. I've never been comfortable around men. A different issue. And they're booked up or too far away. I'm not really sure what to do, but I don't feel lilke my current doctor would be open to reassessing my issues. Ugh, not sure what to do. But it's strangely nice to hear that there are others out there like me that are continuing to exist. So thanks for the honesty.

LovelyLeah · 11-02-2011, 10:12 PM

Quote:

But my first suicidal thought was when I was 11 and I was trying to figure out if I could hang myself with the curtain cords.

Yeah, I was an early starter too. That's actually how I started cutting. I was 10 and I wanted to slit my wrists but I got too scared to go through with it so I moved higher up my wrist.

Serval87 · 11-26-2011, 09:47 PM

I've been researching borderline, and suspect I might have it. I have a lot of the symptoms. I don't have the money to go to therapy or be diagnosed or anything, so I just deal with my depression, anger, and mood-swings as they come (which is VERY often. When I'm actually feeling good, It's like I'm a completely different person than this sad/bitter/angry/moody person, because it's almost like my mind works differently if that makes sense). I used to cut myself VERY shallowly when it high school, but I've stopped since before I got married. I'd scared my future husband, because I cut the deepest I ever cut (which still was only a little worse than cat-scratches). Still, maybe he was afraid I'd gotten braver, and would soon take it further. I don't know, but I stopped for him, and haven't done it anymore. But sometimes when I get really angry or upset, I fantasize about cutting myself. I sometimes feel the urge, but I won't act on it (although I do threaten it when we fight).

Also, I've noticed that even if my husband devotes his entire day to me, it never feels like enough, because I almost constantly feel like I'm being neglected. I think it's because I don't react right to things, like if he cleans the house or cooks a meal for me, I don't feel like I'm being pampered, I just feel indifferent. I get that indifferent feeling a lot, and it's frustrating. I used to blame him, saying he wasn't being romantic enough or devoting enough time to me, but now I know it's me. The sad thing is, I don't know how to change the way I feel.

I'm prone to bouts of rage too. Not just angry. One little thing can leap from irritating to full-blown rage and then to depression in a matter of minutes. I don't think clearly when I become like this, either. But once I've calmed down later I feel immense guilt for whatever I've said or done during those times.