First of all, what sort of support do you have? Do you have trustworthy friends you can stay with, the sort who will take your side and not let him in? Because in situations like this, standard advice is to make up an emergency bag with undies, a few clothes, toothbrush, money etc., and to leave it at a friend's. You may end up having to leave very suddenly, even in the middle of the night. Even if you don't have anywhere to leave such a bag, don't let that stop you from realising that if there's an emergency, you'd have to run.
My father didn't hit my mother before that incident as far as I'm aware, but his actions were violent in other ways. He would slam on the car brakes in a frightening way. He once told me that he was going to have the puppy put to sleep, purely because the poor thing was traumatised (rescue) and was piddling under the piano a lot. (Thankfully he didn't, and she lived to the ripe old age of 16.) Things like that, which are of course terrifying but when you're used to them and don't want to think about them, they slide into being normal.
A few vague stats to think about. (Sorry for hurling all this at you, but I'm trying to help you gain perspective, which is the first thing to go in an abusive relationship, along with self-esteem.)
* The leading cause of divorce is domestic abuse.
* The most common type of stalking is by a partner or ex-partner.
* The most common type of homicide is a man killing his partner.
I'll hunt down some more resources for you in a bit, but meanwhile an excellent one is the
UK Women's Aid Survivor's Handbook. What country are you in? Assuming the US for the time being, does anyone know of good resources there?
There's a common
checklist for whether you're being abused. Based on what you've told us, here is where you fit in. I've used the traditional one and added some points of my own. I suspect that many more points can be added. Any ONE of these can be (and in many cases, definitely is) an indicator of domestic abuse. Here are twenty-one.
1) Your partner constantly follows you or checks up on you (the stalking incident).
2) Your partner unjustly accuses you of flirting or having affairs with others.
3) Your partner constantly belittles or humiliates you, or regularly criticises or insults you in front of other people.
4) You are afraid of your partner.
5) You have changed/are changing your behaviour because you are afraid of what your partner might do or say to you. (I'd consider the weight loss to fall into that category. There are healthy reasons for trying to lose weight, and there are reasons which are big red flags.)
6) Your partner has tried to prevent you from leaving the house. (Though I think they mean this differently, his restricting your social life is roughly the same category.)
7) You have developed unhealthy eating and alcohol habits as a direct reaction to his behaviour.
8) You are evidently under enormous stress, the sort that can be considered a prolonged form of trauma.
9) He has a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality, switching between charm and abuse which includes "cold rage".
10) He behaves charmingly with others, including flirting with other women.
11) He prevents you from talking to other people at social events, and by now from going to social events at all. I would also suspect that he has managed to limit your support network of friends/family. Isolating the partner is a key element in abuse.
12) You are afraid to sit and eat a meal with him, and you are sleeping in the other room to avoid him.
13) He is enormously controlling of what you say, what you wear, how much you weigh, and I'd imagine other features of your body and psyche as well.
14) You've got so far away from a healthy relationship that you can't understand how other women get on with their husbands. This is actually a huge clue in terms of warped perspective.
15) You are afraid even when he isn't there that you might do something which will make him angry, such as when buying clothes. It sounds to me like you are constantly afraid.
16) Even when you're talking to us, you're defensive about things that aren't your fault, such as justifying having talked to his friends at all.
17) You sound as if you feel ashamed despite having done nothing wrong. He's making you feel that it's not him, it's you. You're also blaming yourself for having got into the relationship in the first place. Never do that. Abusive partners are charmers, that's how they hook you in, and absolutely anyone can end up in an abusive relationship, even incredibly strong-minded, independent people.
18) And because of this, and because your self-esteem has been put through the grinder and you're living in fear, I expect that what you've told us is only the tip of the iceberg. There could be more going on, such as sexual abuse, threats and so forth.
19) He has a history of abuse, both with you and with former partners, and has even been to abuse counselling but remained abusive.
20) You feel that you are financially dependent on him and don't dare leave. My mother was trapped in this one for years, and in her case it wasn't really true, and I hope it isn't in yours either. There are usually options to help you to become independent.
21) You know he's abusive, you know he won't change, and you still feel so trapped that you are having huge difficulty imagining leaving. So you're making excuses: you need to finish your education, you need to get a good job after that, you need to lose weight first (even though you fear it will set off his jealousy again), it's not as bad as it is for women who get beaten, it's not as bad as it used to be, you are coping because you don't feel quite as hurt as you used to when he is verbally abusive.
22) He hasn't hit you, but he's shown violence in other ways, and your response to my mentioning that people can suddenly get violent out of the blue was to fear instantly that this could happen to you.
I'll send you a PM, sweetheart. Meanwhile, how about finding a good friend you could visit for a week, to try to adjust to what's really going on and think about what you need to do? Make it a very good friend, someone you know will take your part, as a lot of people don't want to get involved with something like this. Failing that, a refuge, a cheap holiday, a hostel, anything. I think you'll find that once you're away from him for a bit, your perspective starts coming back and you will feel like a whole new woman. Not that this will be easy to recover from, but getting away from living in fear is a huge improvement. Make sure it's somewhere safe, in case he tries to follow you.
I'd also suggest that you stop worrying about your weight right now, and postpone it until you have got yourself out of this nightmare. Quite apart from the question of priorities, it'll be much easier to lose weight when you're not surrounded by negativity and second-guessing him all the time.
