[Health Nut]

It seems so weird that I am labeling myself with that, but I am going to do it because facing the problem is one of the first steps, right?
First, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I'm 18, female, and I have been overweight ever since I was a child... as I grew older, I kept gaining and gaining. I now look at myself in the mirror and think "Wow, my body is so ugly". I hate the way my skin looks, my flabby arms, my round tummy. I can't ever imagine being naked in front of anyone, not even someone I love, not even when I lose the weight.. because my skin is going to remain that ugly. I hate the way wearing clothes is becoming a struggle... everything is just so tight. I hate the way I love food... I hate the way I make decisions, and the moment I am in the presence of food, I forget all about it. I hate the way my siblings tell me to go on a diet, thinking I am happy with the way I am. I hate the way everyone around me is losing weight, and I am still fat, or even fatter than I used to be.

What surprises me is I'm the type of person who always keeps her grades up (my lowest grade ever was an A). I am a smart person, and I care about my own health. So is there any explanation for this? Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just do it?

It's just so difficult to let go of my old fat self... I feel that I have to defend and protect it from people all the time...

Sometimes, I think it will all be easier if I just kill myself. No one thinks that I think that. I'm always this happy person, who loves reading, and is intellectual. Can they see through my weakness? I don't know...

And it's even worse in college. All my colleagues are so thin and beautiful... and I am alone there... in my... FAT world.

I don't even know if any of you is going to read this, or is going to feel my pain. I know how stupid this might be, to feel all of this, just because of something as simple as food and comfort... but it's all too difficult.

I'm 5'4", and I'm obese at 218 lbs.
And I feel bad. I also hate myself.

[Health Nut]

I should also say that I've tried a lot of diets, lost weight, and gained weight back again, but I've never ever experienced the feeling of being at a normal weight... I don't even know what I'll look like since I've always been fat...
And I know the science behind losing weight and everything... but still, nothing! I want this to be THE YEAR I change. That's all I want in life, nothing else. I don't want there to be excuses...

[maryblu]

Oh, sweetie..*sigh. Your post makes me just wanna reach out and *hold you.

This site is a very loving place, and you will find, if you look, many, many who share your pain..all of us do, more or less, to one extent or another.

It is so obvious to me that you have your whole life before you, and that is a wonderful gift. You have it in your power..you say so yourself..you are smart..you can make the decision to be what you want to be, to make your life what you want it to be..and you will LOVE it! You will, 'cuz it will be what you made it..

Search this site, until you find your "fit" and then search some more for random bits of wisdom and pieces of interest..

Welcome, and stay with us! Don't give up..find the wisdom here..search the posts of the successful ones and just DO WHAT THEY DID!!!

[K8-EEE]

You're SO MUCH MORE than your weight. Please know this: MOST teenager are insecure about their looks.

Keep reading....keep exploring options to make you feel healthier and happier. THERE'S SO MUCH OUT THERE TO HELP YOU. I'm sure you know this but it bears repeating: suicide is not, never, ever ever the answer. If you've ever known a family who has experienced that tragedy you would understand what I mean. So much pain and hurt is left behind.

Your life is in front of you and you can make it what you want! Keep developing your intellectual gifts and use them to get the help you need for your physical and spiritual self. The first step is acknowledging the problems: now you can get to work on managing them so you can have everything you want in life!

PS: for an interesting look at teens with weight issues go to hulu and check out the abc family show "Huge." You are certainly NOT alone. GOOD LUCK!

[Deena52]

First, let me say that these weight and eating problems that most of us have are actually legitimate illnesses in the category of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), just like any other addiction. It's not just a matter of will-power or you being weak. It's a true addiction and a true OCD illness, just like all the other eating disorders....and all the other addictions...mainly because it involves obsessions resulting in compulsive behavior.

That being said.....I think it's helpful to recognize that there is no magic fix for this and waiting for one to suddenly show up is futile. We have to acknowledge that it is an illness and indeed difficult to control the weight and eating problems but we can cope and deal with it and live in some sort of recovery...but it takes a LOT of commitment and hard work.

Now....and this part is more my own opinion (shared by quite a few in the medical community) and that is that in addition to being an illness in the OCD category......it can also be an actual physiologic disorder due to WHAT and HOW we are eating. There are some great books out there explaining the role of sugar/carbs and of insulin in causing hunger and weight gain/storage and also about the glycemic index and how this can affect us negatively if we eat the wrong foods.

Eating the wrong foods is like having a compulsive addiction and then making it 10 times harder for yourself because of what you are eating. It's like an alcoholic working in a bar. It's hard enough as it is.

Get some books and learn about the proper foods to eat in terms of decreasing hunger and fat storage. And come to terms with the fact that there is no magical cure or solution.....but that it CAN be done. And YOU can do it. Educate yourself and then make a plan.

deena

[Deena52]

Let me also add one other thing.

People are not nearly as judgmental when you get older. Teens can be horribly judgmental. I think this may be due in part because many things (like being slender) come easily to most teens so they think it should be that easy for everyone and assume it's just lazyness or gluttony causing obesity. As folks get older and all that magical health begins to be compromised....they become much more empathetic and less judgmental.

And nowadays teen girls are horribly judgmental regarding weight....I think in part due to the internet. There has been an epidemic of eating disorders (anorexia/bulemia/ednos) in the past few years.

But just wanted to add that the environment will improve as you get older...and this is likely as bad as it will ever get and will get better with time. The biggest reason you should want to control your weight is your health. Like I said....ones health is darn good during their teen-age years....and we all develop certain health problems as we age.....and being overweight can make it 10 times worse.
Take care of this NOW because the negative effects to your health will start to show and get worse with time....and can include not only things like diabetes but also mobility problems and pain issues simply due to the weight on the joints.

You can do this. Many of us did it....and so can you. Have you gone and looked at the before and after photos and read the success stories up at the top of the main page? They are extremely motivating and can give you lots of hope and a great starting outlook.

deena

[Health Nut]

First of all, I'd like to thank you all. You have no idea how much support from strangers means to me. I took a look at the threads around here and I really realized I'm not alone. Apparently, this experience is painful for everyone, and not just me.
I weighed myself today, and I was surprised that the scale read 214 instead of the 218 I was expecting. I lost 4 pounds in a month with a few bike rides. I can't describe my happiness right now. This has definitely motivated me to beat depression because I'll always be stronger than it. With your help, I'll be able to get through everything.

maryblu, reading your reply made me smile. You are really nice. I wish I knew you in real life. This would have been easier.

k8-EEE, what you said is really true. It does get easier. My childhood was the worst, though. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Deena52, I want to do this most of all for ME. You are right. I am not doing this to look pretty for other people... I just want to be able to do simple things like sitting in tiny seats without discomfort, or being able to be carried. Thank you so much.

[squidcandy]

Weight is just a number, dear. Who cares what anybody else thinks of you? People's opinions are just that- THEIR opinions (that, I might add, don't matter to anyone else but them.)

Take stock of all the wonderful things you have going for you, for example being an intellectual and hard working, just to start. Back in the day when I was 16, I was 220lbs @ 5'6". I spent a good portion of my life depressed and overweight, the depression made me eat, the binge eating made me depressed. It's a vicious cycle. I'm now 28, knocking on the door of 29. It took a monumental catastrophe of a family member to slap me in the face and make me realize that the only one who could control my health and life was me, and that I needed to do this for myself and no one else.

Focus on the positive. When you're feeling most depressed, maybe try exercise in some capacity (it ALWAYS makes me feel better, and this is from someone who abhorred exercise for 95% of my life).

I'd be willing to bet you have a ton of people in real life who care about you, and I know for a fact that you have a ton of people here who care in this online community. It's hard sometimes, I know how you feel, but you can rise above any insecurities! Be strong! I'll be sending positive thoughts your way!

[BreathingSpace]

Originally Posted by Health Nut

What surprises me is I'm the type of person who always keeps her grades up (my lowest grade ever was an A). I am a smart person, and I care about my own health. So is there any explanation for this? Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just do it?

ah yes, I'm the same. I have a total type A personality. Which, in my opinion, sometimes works against us, because we live our life so black and white.

Weight loss.........can often fall in the gray, in the in-between world where we don't usually stay because it's uncomfortable for us.

I think that was my first step into really changing my life - to realize that. I had been describing to a friend how I had a donut every single day and I couldn't understand why I kept doing that, and she said to me - maybe your problem is that you trap yourself in a cycle. You feel bad, so you eat something, and then you feel bad about it and punish yourself (and over and over.) She said - what if you just started giving yourself more credit for things instead of focusing on punishing yourself?

And so this little light went off in my head and I began my blog and my journey and completely new life.

I'm not saying it was easy, I'm not saying it happened overnight, but what it DID do was put me on a path of self-discovery.

There are two parts to weight loss; the physical part and the emotional part. You can do the physical part, but you MUST deal with the emotional part as well, because it's JUST as important.

Also - regarding exercise. It's tricky. You have to find something you're really passionate about doing, and declare that your "exercise". Maybe you hate the gym, maybe you can't stand running - but maybe you decided you like rowing, or hiking, or power/hot yoga, or even walking (or riding your bike every day). You need to actually LIKE it to keep doing it. Your body is meant to move and it WANTS to. So what if you don't go to the gym and run on the treadmill - and you bike every day instead. That's okay!!

Just remember, it's not all black and white, and you have to discover how to hang out in the "gray" and be okay with that.

~BreathingSpace~

[Health Nut]

Thank you so much, everyone.
I really appreciate all your help, and your replies. You have no idea how many times I have re-read what you wrote. I am way better now, and more aware.