I just don't want to face the world today
So some background:
I have dysthymic disorder which is also called double depression; I deal with constant moderate depression with very occasional chronic depression episodes. For me these are short anxiety attacks that only last thirty to sixty seconds and are coming less and less frequently. For the first time in five years I actually feel like I'm gaining ground, not losing it or just staying the same all the time.
Anyways, I'm overweight, depressed, and goth, and so I haven't had many real friends. With me and my dad we have something called the Cody Curse, where we are a lot more generous and helping to other people than they are to us. I got a new roommate this year and she and I really hit it off. I told her things that not even my other friends knew about. Then she had to leave suddenly, her overly controlling and abusive mother was threatening her and I helped her pack in one night to move to Kentucky. I've been incredibly down about it, feeling worse this past week than I have in a long time. I've been emotional, crying, and angry; angry at her for leaving, angry at the people who were supposed to be my friends for not even noticing how upset I am, angry at them also because absolutely anytime they've needed me I've been there, and I never ask for anything, but now that I need someone no one's there, and angry at myself for not being able to just walk up to them and say, "Look, I need your support, this is really hard for me". That's the Cody Curse, and it's biting me in the butt. So today I'm sitting here, missing two classes but going in for my last one which has a much stricter attendance policy, and generally don't want to go face the world at all.
Oh, I also got this specific set of friends gifts, and I dropped them off yesterday with the only one who was awake and just said to have them call or text me when they opened them. No calls, no texts, nothing. This has happened with every friend I've ever had, with the exception of the one who moved away. She and I would give and receive, it was a great and healthy friendship. Now I might have to go back to my counselor who actually said after only six months of therapy that I was thriving well enough to maybe only have to come in occasionally, and I was thinking of starting to wean off my meds as I exercised more.
I know that was a ridiculous post, but it seems that now that I need someone, no one's there, and it hurts a lot, so much that I don't even want to go to class, even though I'm an A and B student. I just can't decide what I should do or how I should cope with this.
for every 5 lbs: