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Depression acting up

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Old 01-13-2010, 06:32 AM   #1
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Default Depression acting up

Yeah, kind of down on myself. Serious lack of self-esteem. I wonder why in the world my husband keeps me around and what he sees in me.

Yesterday I went shopping at Wal-Mart. Understand, first of all, that I was in a car accident several years ago and injured my lower spine, which now has arthritis. Physical therapy has built up quite a bit of muscle, and last fall I was able to ditch the cane I'd been using for years. Ocassionally I still need it, such as when I re-injure or overstrain myself, but I no longer have to use a cane all the time.

I had done quite a bit of walking yesterday, but by the time I started shopping, I could hardly walk any further. So I got a motor-cart.

And was immediately reminded in my head of some remark I'd read online about things you see at Wal-Mart. It was full of unflattering snark, such as "toothless people," "mothers with screaming children," etc. Included, "morbidly obese people riding motor-carts."

I realize that when a lot of people see a heavy person doing something like riding a motor-cart or parking in a handicapped space, "injured in a car accident" is not going to be among their first assumptions. It takes me back in my mind to the time when I walked from my grandmother's suburban home all the way to downtown--a distance of almost 9 miles. Didn't have bus fare. Had to walk it. Well, when I got downtown, I sat to rest on a bus bench, and heard someone actually say out loud, "Yeah, she'd better sit down! She's too fat to walk!" After I'd done all that walking, to hear someone say I'm too fat to walk, and shame me for merely sitting.

Nor can I eat in public without feeling like people are giving me a no-wonder-you're-so-fat look. Even if all I'm eating is a side salad.

So yesterday I'm riding around in that motor-cart, wondering how many people were thinking I was merely too fat to walk.

I even wondered *myself* if I was merely too fat to walk. Although for decades, I've been walking myself to death with no discernible change in my body size. I've actually sprained my hips from simply walking too much. I do it because I'm desperate for the exercise, so people will stop pointing out how fat I am, and if I'd just go out for a walk I might lose weight....

To sum it up: Boo-hiss at me.
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Old 01-13-2010, 07:07 AM   #2
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I feel so similarly in public at times. When I'm feeling down, I can border on agoraphobic. The messages that I anticipate from total strangers are coming from my head, so I made a list of things people might say to me. When I looked at them, they were hysterically cruel - thinking that a caring human being would actually say such things to another person. We are so much harder on ourselves than others ever could be. I put a quote on my blog yesterday to remind me of this:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I hear your pain - physical and emotional. I bet your husband does too.

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Old 01-13-2010, 08:18 PM   #3
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Thank you, Sskar.

I think I'd have an easier time believing no one would actually *say* those things to me, if people hadn't actually said those things to me previously. Like that guy saying I should sit down, because I'm too fat to walk. That didn't come from my own head. That was a complete stranger judging me on my weight.

It didn't happen to me, but another woman parked in her handicapped space, with her properly issued tag, because of her artificial knee, and then came back out to find a note attached to her windshield: "Other than obesity, what is your handicap?" If it happens to others, it can happen to me too, and it has.

As far as eating around others, yes there have been judgmental remarks said out loud by other people. But not usually strangers. Family members. I've had them actually take food away from me, saying I don't need it, etc.

Then there was that doctor. I had gone in to urgent care in the morning, and had fasted in case they had to do lab work. Well, by early afternoon I was hungry, and my husband and I asked the nurse if he could go buy me a snack. She said it was OK, but minutes later the doctor came in and said, "It won't hurt you to go hungry. In fact, you could use a little more going hungry."

I'll grant that the most cruel remarks do come from inside my own head, but there have been those that didn't. And that only brings more fear of judgmental people.

As for my husband, I don't know if he feels my pain or not. I asked him for some you-know-what this morning. He works second shift, and has more time in the morning. In response, he complained that he had just sat down, and he wanted to finish the computer game he was playing first. He has no drive for me whatsoever. He says it's ED because he's diabetic (we both are) but truthfully, I wouldn't be attracted to me either. And I don't want it unless he wants it too. I don't want it to be some chore he has to work into his schedule.

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Old 01-13-2010, 11:50 PM   #4
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Oh, I'm so sorry that you have been going through all of this! Feeling rejected by your spouse (even if it isn't rejection but really coming from his ED) is sooooo hurtful. Doctors say inanely shameful things, so unexpected from a profession that is supposed to be based on compassion.

I'm probably overly identifying with much of what I think you are feeling, but please stay around for support from the rest of us who are going through some of the same things, many of whom have overcome them, many who are struggling harder and you can help them, and just because you (and me) need all the support we can get.

(((((Virtual hugs)))))
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:10 PM   #5
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Therapy appointment tomorrow at 11:30. After which I plan to go to the Y and work out.

I might not feel so depressed right now if the weather were better. It's been non-stop gloomy, cloudy, and drizzly for WEEKS, with no end in sight. Sigh. I live in Washington, and January is the hardest month for me.

But I *am* feeling better than I was when I made the first post in this thread.
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:43 PM   #6
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Glad you are feeling better Lovebirds

Ugh, winter and gloom! My Seasonal Affective Disorder was just one of the many reasons for us to head to Arizona when we decided to make our last move. Even in Houston, my mood would start sinking in the early fall. So much so that I used light therapy at home, which really did help. Don't need it as much now in this glorious climate, but even here in southern Arizona I notice a dip starting in January and have to go dig out my light box.

My folks live in Oregon, and I spent some time in Seattle - we ruled out ever living in the PNW 'cause I'm certain that I would shoot myself before the holidays. All those beautiful mountains and and never seeing them because of the fog and rain - blech!

Hang in there!
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:48 PM   #7
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Our life-goal is to retire to Hawaii.

This winter has been especially rough on me, and like you, my mood started dipping around October even when I lived in Florida.

My doctor recommended turning on the lights full-force in the morning (we use GE Reveal light bulbs for their simulation of natural light) and gradually dimming them toward evening. It works wonderfully for me, but hubby keeps forgetting. My sleep schedules are pretty random, so when he wakes up in the morning, he thinks, "Well, I don't know what time she went to bed, and I don't want to disturb her." Today in therapy I told him I want him to turn on the lights anyway, even if I only went to bed an hour ago, because we are trying to regulate my sleep. We want me on a consistent schedule, which has been a huge problem for me.

I think I'll tape a little note next to the light switch, reminding him that if I'm not already gone in the morning, please turn on the light the minute he wakes up.
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