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Depression after I quit smoking over 4 years ago

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Old 12-22-2009, 11:11 AM   #1
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Default Depression after I quit smoking over 4 years ago

For me, depression was never an issue until I quit smoking over 4 years ago. It happened gradually. But it was intense. I still suffer from it, but I feel that's because I have a husband who hates the fact that I'm obese. He's always been the perfect weight. It's hard to live with someone who looks that good and doesn't exercise every single day. He works out maybe 3 days a week - and only about 1/2 hour. But for some effed up reason, he doesn't lose muscle mass. He can eat anything and doesn't gain a pound. And if you are "lucky" enough to live with such a perfect specimen, you know that it's hard watching as you have to bust your butt - working out 6-7 days a week. That alone is depressing! I try not to compare, but it's hard not to when your husband states stuff like:

- You dress like a slob (I actually dress nice, but when I come home from work, I get into casual clothes cause I have to cook!)
- You never put on makeup and look good for me ( I put on makeup every morning for work. I'm not going to reapply stuff while cooking. How dumb)
- You look like sh#@ all the time (again, I clean, do laundry, cook, go grocery shopping, etc. on the weekends when he's home. I need to do it in a dress??)
- Men leave women like you because you let yourself go
- I want a woman that works out and takes care of herself ( I used to work out for many years. When my mom died 10 years ago, I stopped working out)
- I don't make love to you anymore because I'm turned off by your weight
- If you can't lose the weight, I'll leave and you'll be all alone

That's just a handful of the horrible things I had to endure this past weekend. And this all came out of his mouth from me just asking him why he doesn't make love to me anymore. I mean, we went to a 2 day marriage conference 2 months ago - and we've been doing great - no arguing, no problems! But I still found it hard to get onto my healthy eating program and exercise. I realized that the conference didn't fix all the years that my husband emotionally abused me. I've been trying to put it behind me, but I think that I really need to get counseling. I mean, I'm ready to go on my program, but all of the things my husband said to me last weekend really, really hurt me. I could easily go into a depression because of it, but I'm choosing to jump into my program. Not because he said those things - I'm not losing my weight for him. I'm doing it for ME. But it bothers me that he is that shallow. A huge part of me wants to lose the weight and then go out and do a Tiger Woods. But what good will that do? I will get some help and maybe I can put the weekend comments behind me. I mean, we are not fighting or arguing; he's been very, very nice. But I KNOW that he was speaking from his heart when he said all of those ugly things. And knowing that has really disturbed me.

Sorry for ranting.
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Old 12-22-2009, 11:25 AM   #2
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If you really believe he was speaking from his heart, than i think he must have really meant them (ie, he wasnt saying them in anger).
Im so sorry.
The problem isnt you, its him (you said yourself he must be shallow).
He doesnt love you unconditionally, and you DESERVE to be loved unconditionally.
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Old 12-22-2009, 11:39 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by mkroyer View Post
If you really believe he was speaking from his heart, than i think he must have really meant them (ie, he wasnt saying them in anger).
Im so sorry.
The problem isnt you, its him (you said yourself he must be shallow).
He doesnt love you unconditionally, and you DESERVE to be loved unconditionally.
That's probably why I love the food more than I love me. That's why it's been difficult to get on a program. What makes me furious is that he has stated recently that he's not like that anymore (meaning the weight doesn't bother him) and that he was immature all of those years ago when he put me down for being 30 pounds overweight! I mean, it was only 30 pounds back then. He's been lying to me all of these years. I'm thinking he's been too tired to "do anything" because he's been working a lot of overtime (and yes, he's been at work - I know that for a fact).
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Old 12-22-2009, 12:07 PM   #4
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I suppose I should state up front that I'm not good with relationships, but when you say you're not fighting and he's being really nice, I say that's sad if that's him being nice! By now, I would have told him to get his stuff and leave if he can't bring himself to touch you! Idiot man!

The others are right -- you deserve to be loved unconditionally, and he's just shallow. Blackmailing you into losing weight isn't right. Do it for you!

And counseling might not be a bad idea.
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Old 12-22-2009, 01:00 PM   #5
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I just want to send you a huge hug.....I'm sorry but he sounds like a jerk and I don't agree with how he talks to you one bit.
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Old 12-22-2009, 01:15 PM   #6
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Eh I really don't know what to say to you- if my husband told me what yours did I'd probably leave- but I'm guessing that might not be an option for you (and you probably also still really love him despite the hurt he's causing you).

One thing I notice from your post- you say when you get home you cook, your doing the cleaning, groceries, etc- does your husband do anything around the house? Maybe you guys need to discuss what you said here- that you are so busy cooking, cleaning, doing chores, etc, that you don't have the time- BUT that you would be willing to make more of an effort with your appearance if he did more around the house. Would that be a good compromise? Write down what you do when you get home- and see what he

Being comfortable around the house also doesn't mean you have to wear really ratty and ugly stuff. I wear sweats around the house but they are clean, no holes, and some of them are kind of cute- I also didn't pay a lot for them cuz I got them at walmart. Same with tshirts- I got cute shirts here and there for a few dollars that I wear at home- if one gets too old and ugly- I throw it out- I can always get more.
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Old 12-22-2009, 01:40 PM   #7
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I would not and could not make a home, let alone make love, to someone that belittled me. I could not allow someone to berate me or say those things to me. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones.

That being said, I realize everyone is different and there is no way I can understand both sides of the story from this post. I encourage you to find a way to love yourself and take care of yourself. In the end, that's ultimately what we all have--ourselves. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 12-22-2009, 01:45 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thighs Be Gone View Post
I would not and could not make a home, let alone make love, to someone that belittled me. I could not allow someone to berate me or say those things to me. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones.

That being said, I realize everyone is different and there is no way I can understand both sides of the story from this post. I encourage you to find a way to love yourself and take care of yourself. In the end, that's ultimately what we all have--ourselves. My thoughts are with you.
This. Because I was struggling with what to say without being just negative, and these are all the words I was looking for.
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Old 12-23-2009, 07:45 AM   #9
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I just want to send you a huge hug.....I'm sorry but he sounds like a jerk and I don't agree with how he talks to you one bit.
Yes, he can be a jerk sometimes. It's a shame, actually because he's a nice guy otherwise.

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Originally Posted by beerab View Post
Eh I really don't know what to say to you- if my husband told me what yours did I'd probably leave- but I'm guessing that might not be an option for you (and you probably also still really love him despite the hurt he's causing you).

One thing I notice from your post- you say when you get home you cook, your doing the cleaning, groceries, etc- does your husband do anything around the house? Maybe you guys need to discuss what you said here- that you are so busy cooking, cleaning, doing chores, etc, that you don't have the time- BUT that you would be willing to make more of an effort with your appearance if he did more around the house. Would that be a good compromise? Write down what you do when you get home- and see what he

Being comfortable around the house also doesn't mean you have to wear really ratty and ugly stuff. I wear sweats around the house but they are clean, no holes, and some of them are kind of cute- I also didn't pay a lot for them cuz I got them at walmart. Same with tshirts- I got cute shirts here and there for a few dollars that I wear at home- if one gets too old and ugly- I throw it out- I can always get more.
I make a very good salary, so I don't walk around looking like he says I do. I wear stuff with no holes in it either; I usually wear nice sweats with a nice shirt, so I don't know why he says that. And I can't buy my stuff at WalMart because I'm tall, so I usually buy my stuff online at Woman Within - he complains because I don't wear jeans. I haven't worn a pair of jeans for a very long time. Once I got into a size 20+, I stopped wearing jeans. He makes our bed in the morning - that's pretty much the extent of that. If he's not working O/T, I'll ask him to bring up the basket of laundry that I've done. And he'll fix stuff around the house - sometimes. He has to "be in the mood" as he says, which makes no sense. I'm never in the mood to do laundry, grocery shop, cook, clean, etc, but I do it anyway. That's ok....once I get my program in, I won't be doing any cooking except steaming veggies and grilling chicken and healthy stuff. No more baked lasagna, homemade cheesecake and shrimp & clams tossed with linguini in a light blush sauce. If he wants the fattening stuff, he can go out to a restaurant. That will be MY payback for all of this crap he talks!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thighs Be Gone View Post
I would not and could not make a home, let alone make love, to someone that belittled me. I could not allow someone to berate me or say those things to me. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones.

That being said, I realize everyone is different and there is no way I can understand both sides of the story from this post. I encourage you to find a way to love yourself and take care of yourself. In the end, that's ultimately what we all have--ourselves. My thoughts are with you.
Well, I have a 10 year old daughter that needs BOTH parents, so I'll deal with it for now. Now, he doesn't go around and say this stuff all the time. That doesn't make it right and I'm sure not making any excuses for the man, but he's a great dad and a good person. He just hates me being fat. They say paybacks are a *****. Well, once I start cooking super healthy all the time, that will be my just desserts

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Originally Posted by JulieJ08 View Post
This. Because I was struggling with what to say without being just negative, and these are all the words I was looking for.
Thanks I know the situation sounds horrible - and it kind of is. I don't feel very loving to him right now because of what he said last weekend. I am pretty much staying away from him. I'm cordial and pleasant, but I don't want to be near him, so I usually just go in our bedroom and watch TV or go on the computer.

I'm living to get thin and healthy right now. I can't even tell you all how much I want this. "Be careful what you wish for" is what comes to mind right now. Not for me...but for my husband. He really needs to be careful what he wishes for. Cause when I get thin - I know my confidence WILL come back. And the old Linda WILL come through. And she was a firecracker - she oozed with confidence and self respect. She's going to go places. Fun places. And the hubby's jaw will be dropping. The shoe will soon be on the other foot.

I appreciate all who have written. You all have been very kind and not judgmental and I appreciate that. I already like this site I feel at home here. I look forward to making good friends with you all!

-Linda
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Old 01-05-2010, 10:12 PM   #10
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Old 01-07-2010, 03:04 AM   #11
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It's pretty unhealthy for your daughter to see a pattern of domestic abuse and your putting up with it and not leaving him says that is ok.
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Old 01-07-2010, 10:26 AM   #12
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I couldn't get on track in that kind of environment. I'd want to strangle him. (Does that count as exercise? )

Just to share. Every one can be a jerk sometimes, but it takes a special kind of jerk to constantly berate you over the same thing when he knows it makes you depressed. What this man has said is extremely harsh and emotionally abusive.

On the other hand (jerks aside), why can't you wear the nicer clothes you own? Or put on a little more make up in the morning? Stains can come out. Most men are pretty visual. I know it's easy to get into comfortable clothes after work, but if he appreciates it, why not?

Personally, I think sweats are from the devil :P
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