Hi everyone,

I haven't posted here in ages... thought I was far, far away from this place. But now I find myself back into this "hole," stuck in a self that I don't recognize...

I suffer from depression and I did medication, therapy, the whole shebang years ago, got better, got off meds, still better, and then now I'm slowly creeping back into the big D.

Recently I decided to embark on a whole new career path... massage therapy... started taking classes, got a new job as front desk at a massage practice to help me in my path. At first I was so excited, everything seemed to be working out, the stars were lining up...

But then I started stressing out about my job, about school, about becoming a massage therapist (will i be good enough? will i like it? did i choose the right thing? should i have not quit my last normal, full-time job?).

I haven't been able to look in the mirror and think to myself, "You look great today!" I don't feel like a GIRL anymore... is that odd? I don't feel comfortable in my clothes anymore because I've been gaining weight.

When I am depressed/stressed/anything I eat emotionally. I also smoke pot. These are my two methods of escape. And they feed each other viciously... as you probably already know, smoking pot makes you unreasonably hungry... and emotional eating already is excessive, so put those together and it's a nasty combination.

Yesterday instead of going to class, I stayed home in my pajamas. I watched TV, ate loads of crap, smoked till I became a zombie. All the while in the back of mind stressing about things in my life. This morning, I feel disgusting, guilty, shameful that I can't just LEAD A NORMAL HEALTHY LIFE like most people. Just eat normal portions, not feel the need to overeat, and just be here in the now, not try to escape through various means.

I don't know how to get out of this hole. I'm so sick and tired of being depressed. And of feeling helpless, like i can't change...

I have a good life, I think. Great boyfriend of almost 4 years, pets, great friends, wonderful loving family (overseas)... and yet I constantly feel like i'm suffering and at the brink of another severe depressive episode.

Anybody else relate? I just needed to get this out. I dont' want to feel STUCK anymore. I want to go down to the deep deep root of it all and figure out how to stop sabotaging my efforts... how to stop feeling like EATING is going to help me out.

Thanks for reading... sorry my thoughts are so everywhere.

Hi Chickennugget


Welcome back to 3FC's the only piece of advice I can offer you is to talk to your doctor. No one here knows you better than your doc, so thats the place I would start. Who knows, maybe its therapy you need, maybe a low dose of something just to get you feeling better again.

Depression is not fun, and the cycle of feeling depressed, eating because your depressed and then feeling depressed b/c you ate can really do damage if not caught right away... so please call your doc and see if there is something he/she can do for you No need to suffer hon.

I'd like to extend an invitation to the monthly chat right here, the girls there know exactly what your going thru and some times it just feels good for us chicks to talk

let us know how you make out.

Leenie

Hi Chickennugget ...I did the same thing a few years ago, got off the anti depressants, thinking I was going to be fine and wouldnt slip back into the depression...but it didnt work, it took about a year and a half for it to be full blown on again...I fought it as best as I could but in the end just had to give it up to the doc and go back on the meds again...today I am feeling good, and am thankful for the way the meds help.
I am sorry you are going through this again but looks like you will have to go back to the doctor and get a plan of action. Good Luck.

Hi chickennugget,
I felt like you so many times.I started a new challenge in Chicks Up For a Challenge. It is only a 5 day challenge,and seems to be working for me.Because it is not so overwhelming. The new challenge will start on June22.It does not have to be just about dieting. It could be whatever your goals are for the week.
If you feel like it give it a try. If not,that is ok too,
Good Luck to you!Tracy

Thanks for the replies, ladies.

It's nice to know that there are others out there who know how it feels!!

I will definitely check out the monthly chat, thanks so much for sharing

And I'll be back, lurking and posting, in the forums.

thanks again.