I haven't posted here in ages... thought I was far, far away from this place. But now I find myself back into this "hole," stuck in a self that I don't recognize...
I suffer from depression and I did medication, therapy, the whole shebang years ago, got better, got off meds, still better, and then now I'm slowly creeping back into the big D.
Recently I decided to embark on a whole new career path... massage therapy... started taking classes, got a new job as front desk at a massage practice to help me in my path. At first I was so excited, everything seemed to be working out, the stars were lining up...
But then I started stressing out about my job, about school, about becoming a massage therapist (will i be good enough? will i like it? did i choose the right thing? should i have not quit my last normal, full-time job?).
I haven't been able to look in the mirror and think to myself, "You look great today!" I don't feel like a GIRL anymore... is that odd? I don't feel comfortable in my clothes anymore because I've been gaining weight.
When I am depressed/stressed/anything I eat emotionally. I also smoke pot. These are my two methods of escape. And they feed each other viciously... as you probably already know, smoking pot makes you unreasonably hungry... and emotional eating already is excessive, so put those together and it's a nasty combination.
Yesterday instead of going to class, I stayed home in my pajamas. I watched TV, ate loads of crap, smoked till I became a zombie. All the while in the back of mind stressing about things in my life. This morning, I feel disgusting, guilty, shameful that I can't just LEAD A NORMAL HEALTHY LIFE like most people. Just eat normal portions, not feel the need to overeat, and just be here in the now, not try to escape through various means.
I don't know how to get out of this hole. I'm so sick and tired of being depressed. And of feeling helpless, like i can't change...
I have a good life, I think. Great boyfriend of almost 4 years, pets, great friends, wonderful loving family (overseas)... and yet I constantly feel like i'm suffering and at the brink of another severe depressive episode.
Anybody else relate? I just needed to get this out. I dont' want to feel STUCK anymore. I want to go down to the deep deep root of it all and figure out how to stop sabotaging my efforts... how to stop feeling like EATING is going to help me out.
Thanks for reading... sorry my thoughts are so everywhere.