[mairsie]

I think Beffie's advice was very good. I am also a psychologist, and I would agree that it looks like you are facing depression, which can ascend very quickly, and becomes overwhelming. Women often cite the symptom of not wanting to be around other people.
Are you near any type of university or college? Those with a master's program in Psychology of Social Work usually have a program to see master's level counselors for practicum experience--usually the cost is free or very low.
Or, try a church for pastoral counseling; many ministers have coursework in counseling.
In the meantime, go to a library and check out some self-help books on female depression. It can give you some strategies to help while looking for professional help.
Depression can be caused by all sorts of factors. Therapy will help you get to the root of it. Personally, my mother was a lifelong depressive, and she "taught" all of the family to respond to any life event with depression. It has been very difficult to change that conditioning--but very possible!
Good luck to you, and keep us posted about your journey!
Mairsie

[BellaHTH]

Thank you for the responses, Beffie and Mairsie. I have not given up on getting some professional help. Insurance offers NO coverage for mental health or mental health meds, at least not for individual insurance and there will never be any group insurance at my current job. I am looking into switching my insurance to include a HSA, which funds can be applied to mental health. It's not much but it is something (thank you insurance agent!!). I will be contacting a few local psychiatrists to get an assessment in the near future. The weird thing is the few psychologists and the hospital I contacted for information really were NO help. One place even had an answering service (an actual person) that just told me to "call back later". Now, I'm not on the edge or anything, but I feel very bad for anyone who is and is going to these particular places for help or information on getting it. And a church/pastor is not an option as organized religion has no place in my life (and I mean no offense to anyone when I say that, really).

As for talking to a friend, this has not helped. I honestly don't know why I feel like I do, as my life is pretty close to ideal (good job, house, pet, a few good friends, fantastic family) and the things I feel are "missing" (significant other, more money, better car, etc) are not items that I will depend on for my happiness. Either there is something I am missing, like a repressed childhood memory, or something wrong with my brain. Or maybe something else, I don't know. The friends I have talked to about this don't have any advice, really, except that I can tell they feel sorry for me. And I've come to realize that most people don't like to have "depressed" friends. And if I want to keep the few friends I do have, I have to protect myself. I'm not looking for pity, I'm looking for comfort and answers. I will be going to the library to get more info on women and depression.

Right now, I feel pretty ok (which, for me, is crying for no reason a few times a week, and a few days a week of isolation or very quiet/unsocial behavior) and I know this isn't "normal", I shouldn't have to put up with feeling this way, but I can manage enough to function in society. It is those every few months where it becomes unbearable and I just want to tear all my skin off because the sadness is so overwhelming (not to the point I cut myself or anything, just more like I can't even stand being close to myself... hard to explain) and I end up in the office bathroom crying and can't control or stop. It comes out of no where, so I'm not sure what I need to stop or start doing to change it. So since I'm not in the throws of that right now, it feels weird to contact a psychiatrist. I know I need to do it, and I will.

You know, it's funny. I used to always hear about people being in therapy or had been, so it just seemed like a more straight forward process. But every avenue I've taken has come up as a dead end or a major road block. No wonder people are often so messed up, even when I try to seek help, it's almost like the world is trying to stop me. Strange, very strange.

[ReadytoRun]

One last suggestion, if money is an issue and if you live near a university call the psychology dept. Often times there is a Psychology Clinic on campus where PhD students do their training. The students are supervised by a lincensed Clinical Psychologist and therapy is usually free.

Just make sure, wherever you go (student or full professional), that the graduate program your psychologist graduated from/is enrolled in was an APA-approved clinical psychology doctoral program that was based upon the Scientist-Practitioner Model. These programs are the most highly-regarded in the field and their training is rigorous and excellent. Don't feel funny asking them about these credentials, either.

[beffie]

not sure if i said this before...but research shows that talk therapy and antidepressant medication COMBINED is the best way to get better with depression. this is why going to the psychiatrist or MD is so crucial. I hope you can get in to see someone soon because the whole "crying for no reason" thing really sounds like a chemical imbalance. good luck to you!

[KristanAnne]

Oh, honey, I feel you. I could have written the same post a few months ago. First, try your insurance company to see if mental health stuff is covered, if it is, find a therapist that way.

Mine didn't cover mental health. I tried the psychology today website, but to be honest, I just didn't find anything there. I ended up going to google and searching for "counseling in <your city>". I found one there and called. That first call is really really hard, but the person on the other end of the phone is going to be very helpful because they deal with people like you and me all the time. Just say you'd like to make and appointment and that you've never done counseling before. They asked me if I preferred to speak with a man or a woman or if it mattered and then they aske when it's convenient for you to go to an appointment. That's how they match you up at first.

Good luck! And way to go for taking that step! It's a big one and you deserve a HUGE *hug* for taking it.

[BellaHTH]

Originally Posted by KristanAnne

Oh, honey, I feel you. I could have written the same post a few months ago. First, try your insurance company to see if mental health stuff is covered, if it is, find a therapist that way.

Mine didn't cover mental health. I tried the psychology today website, but to be honest, I just didn't find anything there. I ended up going to google and searching for "counseling in <your city>". I found one there and called. That first call is really really hard, but the person on the other end of the phone is going to be very helpful because they deal with people like you and me all the time. Just say you'd like to make and appointment and that you've never done counseling before. They asked me if I preferred to speak with a man or a woman or if it mattered and then they aske when it's convenient for you to go to an appointment. That's how they match you up at first.

Good luck! And way to go for taking that step! It's a big one and you deserve a HUGE *hug* for taking it.

Thank you, KristanAnne. Just to know that someone else has been there and pulled themselves out is such a reassurance. And I'm going to try your search suggestion, thank you!

My insurance doesn't cover mental health coverage either. I've also spoken with my employer about rearranging some of my insurance allotment to cover medical expenses NOT covered by individual insurance, but they are making that VERY difficult. So I'm on my own for this. I did call a few places, and I have to say I was disappointed with the response I got. The people that I spoke with were not very helpful nor did they seem like they were interested in helping. I guess that is life's way of saying these places are NOT the right fit for me. However, it has put me off on the idea of therapy, and for the past few weeks it hasn't been so bad. But I know this is just an "up" time, which is usually when the thoughts of "oh, it isn't THAT bad, you can handle this thing. You'll be fine!" kick in and I think THIS time around I'll be able to handle it. And then inevitably the "down" happens, and I feel trapped and suffocated and alone. So I know, I KNOW, I need to make the call now, because once the "down" happens, I won't have an desire to call or care. It's easy to put this off now since I'm functioning (for the most part), I don't know if I can handle the added cost of therapy, and also terrified of making the call. Time isn't going to make it any easier, I know that. I know what I need to do, I just wish it was more like renewing my driver's license -- a set list of requirements and an order of events. I'll be making more calls on Monday, so hopefully one of those works out.

[startingnew]

I want to congratulate you on taking steps to become healthier in both body and mind they def seem to go together...I have decided to see a therapist myself but i am in college so i am just going to see one of the therapist there

[sandyfanny]

Congratulations on your weight loss, Bella. You're doing great. You say your life is really good (minus a few aspects), and you don't know why you're depressed. Your depression is, by now, probably chronic depression - meaning your brain chemistry supports depression. So, I'm glad you're going to work hard to find help. A good therapist and medication will help enormously.

Part of the illness is not wanting to get professional help or, once you get it, not taking your medication or keeping therapist appointments. Very devilish!

I've been through some rough times with depression. I've been diagnosed with chronic depression and have lived with it since I was in my teens also. I think I will always need support and intervention (sometimes more than others); I've accepted it as if I were diagnosed with diabetes...it's a work in progress. I'm thinking of you and will look for your posts.