[amazingplatinum]

Hi all. It has taken me a long time to admit that yes I too am depressed. I don't know why it has taken me so long and why I have fought admitting it! I have panic disorder, and had had no problem telling people that I used to go into panic attacks. BUT NOW- I am recognizing it as so much more. I have been incredibly moody and weepy- I am irritated by even the littlest things like my cat reaching up for a kiss and I can feel her whiskers brush lightly on my skin. I am feeling judgemental, and I can't seem to get out of this self-loathing funk that I am in. So ok, now that I admit it what the **** do I do now?

[Amarie2pt0]

Hi Jana!

I find myself wanting to congratulate you for seeing your depression for what it is, but congratulating someone for being depressed sounds horrible, so... I can't quite figure how to say it, but I'm glad you've made this big step in working with your depression.

Somehow in our society there is such a stigma about depression that gets in the way of people who need help getting it. I know it did that to me for years. The truth is, almost all of us will confront depression at some time in our life, either in ourselves, or someone close to us.

Where you go from here is the big question, no? I can't tell you the road to take, but maybe I can point out some of the various roads you can choose from? (OK, I'll stop with the metaphors!) One option you have is medication - which means working with a doctor you can trust, and if you don't have one now, finding one. In the interest of disclosure - this was my first step.

Another option you have is talk therapy. Finding a counselor you really like can take a couple tries, but the work can be remarkably helpful for a lot of people. I used to poo-poo therapy, mostly because the time I'd done it before had not been my choice (teenage years, well-intentioned partents), so I never got anything out of it. In my opinion, you have to initiate and really "buy into" the process for it to be really helpful to you.

You can also try other, more alternative methods - like herbal supplements, etc. I know several people who use accupuncture instead of medication to manage depression - it supposedly activates the same brain chemicals, and essentially "resets" your nervous system. Again, this is something that I suspect will only work well if you believe in it.

Exercise can also be a good way to try to balance brain chemicals. My problem was that the depression made my energy so low, and my motivation non-existent.

Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you! I hope things turn up for you soon.

Amarie

[Leenie]

Hi Sweetie

You need to see your doctor and start from there, you'll feel so much better once you do. Don't go on suffering, you deserve to be happy.

[emmyroo]

Oh honey, good for you for naming it. I've lived with a demon in my heart for a decade, and I now have the strength and weapons to fight back. Here's my story, in case it helps you, or even just helps you know that you aren't alone.

I have puberty-onset Major depression and have since I was 12, so a decade now. I kept being told that all teenagers felt sad and alone a lot, so it was totally normal. I was told that everyone flirts with the idea of suicide a little bit. I can't even remember how many times I ended my diary entries with, "Something is wrong, but I don't know what it is. Surely if there were something wrong with me, SOMEBODY would have noticed . . ."

When I was 17, I had several close friends and for the first time in five years, I finally allowed someone to see some of what was in my head (like poetry, for example). My friends immediately told me that I needed to see someone because it wasn't normal to be so low all the time. So I finally told my parents that I was suicidal, which was the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. They were shocked and had no idea what to do. I wanted to see a psychologist to find out if there really was something wrong with me. My mother finally consented and took me to see one. I was diagnosed with depression after only a few sessions (seriously - I'd been sneaking pills for five years and hiding them in my underwear drawer "just in case" and had actually been faced with a suicide intervention from my best friend when I first tried to kill myself). My parents were not supportive, though, and the therapy sessions ended before I ever learned to trust my psychologist.

When I went to college, one of the first things I did was go to the counseling center on campus. I pretty much told them, "This is what's going on, I don't have a formal diagnosis on record, I feel fine right now, but I need to know that someone here knows my story so that I don't have to go into it when I need help." I started suffering in December, and started regular therapy, which I continued with the same counselor all the way until graduation. By the end of February, my counselor had referred me to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed formally with Major depression, and the added complication of an anxiety disorder.

I started taking Zoloft, at a fairly low dosage and slowly the mist started to peel away. I saw the world in a way that I had never known it could be. I became an optimist, I had more energy, my grades went up. I started making more friends. I also had some awful side effects - not from the drug, ironically, but from the treatment. As I got my depression under control for the first time ever, my anxiety disorder started to manifest itself.

The low energy and sadness and hopelessness of my depression had muffled the anxiety previously, so that while I felt anxious about things, I couldn't summon the energy to panic. But in that first year when we were experimenting with Zoloft levels and I was in early therapy, I started having debilitating panic attacks. I had to leave my freshman year of college early and take incompletes, which I made up once I was under control again.

By the beginning of my junior year, I had gone a whole year without any suicidal thoughts at all, and therapy was progressing really well, so my doctor figured it was a good time, while I was still easily accessible to him, to take me off the Zoloft and see if the therapy was enough to keep me stable. Four months later, I tried to kill myself again. Needless to say, I'm on Zoloft again, this time probably for life.

If I run out of meds and don't have time to refill them for a few days, I can feel the darkness push at the corners of my thoughts. I know that this demon is caused by a biochemical imbalance caused by hormone surges during puberty that never equalized properly. I know it's increased by my immune deficiency, which makes me need a few more hours of sleep every night than most people do. I'm at peace with it and I consider it more of a medical condition now than a psychological one. I have my trust Zoloft to serve as a weapon against my demon, and being in therapy taught me how to wield that weapon to drive away my enemy. I'm a strong advocate of therapy as well as medicine.

I hope that you aren't stuck on meds for life, but I do encourage you to seek out help. Keep fighting for your self-worth and happiness, because you DESERVE it. Everyone deserves the chance to make of themselves what they wish, and depression deprives you of that right. So go out there and do battle against the demon. Get help. Finding a therapist or a doctor you trust and start talking. It will probably get worse before it gets better, because you have to release all the gross, toxic thoughts that are trapped within you. But it's worth it in the end. The sun comes out in the morning for me now, and every day I give thanks to God for getting me through those years of illness alive.

[peachcake]

I will just say, I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I have been on zoloft ever since. As emmyroo said, after I started the medication the darkness started to back off, also, when I run out of pills for a few days I feel it closing in on me again. When I'm on the medication I am still emotional, I still cry when I'm upset and laugh when I'm happy. I know some people are afraid it will "numb" you, that was not the case with me. I was never suicidal but I think that is because I caught it so early. Good luck.