I know I'm overwhelmed with my job right now...and today was proof of it! I snapped at people left and right, taking things so defensively! I hate that about myself! I CAN be calm and level headed when I am conscious of it! But not only am I overwhelmed and overworked, everyone is...and we are all women...so it makes it extra hard on all of us...and two of the key nurses are very pregnanat and due like in a few weeks! Stress is all around us!! Not to mention that I have an office partner from ****!!
So does being overwhelmed (insert any other feeling here) give me direct permission to eat unhealthily and treat my body like it doesn't deserve to be treated??? NO!!! Ineed to remember the serenity prayer when I am having days like today!
...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!
There are only so many hours in a work day and so many days in a work week, etc...and I am only one person and at 43, I don't need to put undue stress on myself to be "perfect"!! Not that I am even close, but sometimes I think I HAVE to do whatever is asked of me at work! I have learned to say NO, and it does help, but there are times when I can't say NO because, well there are people (residents) who depend on the work that I do (maybe indirectly, but it all comes around eventually) and there isn't anyone else TO do it!!! So I am trying to make the best use of my time without putting too much pressure on myself and without pissing off the boss!!
Then there's home! But that's not near as much stress, thankfully...right now anyway! It helps when hubby and I are communicating on the same level and we have been this week! It's going to be a busy weekend, but with planning I will be able to manage it ok! I just need to really buckle down and start planning the meals again because it was so helpful to me and I felt less stressed in the evening when I got home because I knew what I was going to eat...no guessing!
I continue to be hopeful that I will get this weight off me and that the overwhelming feelings will subside with the job (and life in general!) I feel gratitude for all of you and the support I get from this group of women! You are all so awesome and I would not have come this far (albeit not too far) without you!!! Thanks for being here...I plan to be here for a while, too!
O.K., first of all...no one feel like they have to comment to this ramble. But, if I dont get this off my chest, I am going to fall apart. This day has torn me apart emotionally. I feel so sad, overwhelmed, and like I have no control. I feel anguished and scared. I feel unsure and ...........just like banging my head against a tree. This morning, my best friend here, called and told me her cousin (a woman) had died. This woman was younger than I am, a single mother with two kids the ages of my two oldest. She died of liver failure. I have dreaded this day...and I knew how hard my friend would take this. She called me crying, and said she just had to talk to someone that loved her. I just listened, silent tears rolling. My friend has been going to her cousin's bedside....trying to see what her last wishes were. They discussed what Halloween costumes to buy for her kids...what their birthday parties should be like. I can't imagine. I just can't imagine. Please, if you pray, would you pray for this family? I will go to the funeral home tomorrow. God, please, please give me the strength to go and not fall apart.
Well, my oldest son is very sensitive..he's much like me..worries about things. He got it on his mind that his great grandmothers would not be able to get a pumpkin. He wanted to get them each a pumpkin, plus a pumpkin for my Mom and Dad. So, we go to our church's pumpkin patch and pick out these pumpkins. And, after dinner...we (my 3 boys and I) set out to deliver them. Our first stop...was my Dad's mother. I have not been to see her in a long, long while, although she lives like 10 min. from my house. I have harbored a grudge in my heart against her for a long time. She kept me a lot when I was little...and we did all sorts of things together. She was always "young"...wore makeup..let me play in the makeup..and dated more than I did in high school and college. She was always a free spirit...and just "her". And, as I grew older, graduated from college, got married, had kids...well, she didn't pay any attention. I had back surgery...a terrible and scary pregnancy...none of it was acknowledged...and I felt bitter, although I stuffed it way down and didn't say it. I guess the thing that bothered me most, was her indifference to my kids...they are the lights of my life..my world...my greatest blessings (along with my DH). I don't think it was that she didn't care..but that she was just who she was...maybe she didn't know how to reach out..I just don't know. Anyway, I have not visited her very much, although I love her very much. We got to her house, and I saw her going in, and I was dumbfounded...was that my grandmother shuffling along. When we got inside, I was so shocked that I had to go to the kitchen for a minute. She looks terrible. Is so frail and pitiful. She was pitifully grateful for our visit..for the chance to see the kids. They loved on her. She is so arthritic, that she dropped the ice when fixing the kids a drink. I thought she would never, ever get those ice cubes in the glasses for them. I was so upset, I thought I might throw up...and I ended up talking to her about it. I asked her to forgive me for not visiting and for not doing the right thing. She looked me straight in the eye and told me that there was nothing to forgive. I got so emotional. I hugged her and told her I loved her. She clung to me and said, "Lisa, I have always loved you SO." I could barely get to the car. I was crying so hard...and my grandmother didn't see..but my kids...oh, I hate for them to see me so upset like that. My oldest said, "Oh, Mom......." he looked heartbroken for me. I feel such guilt and shame. Why didn't I visit? She can't drive and just sits in the house. Her spirit is broken. I just have to wonder, am I not a good person? What kind of example have I set for my children? Am I trying to show them that family is not important???
Well, then we drive off to the 2nd pumpkin delivery. To my Dad's house. He and my Mom divorced earlier in the year...and it is another emotion I have stuffed down. I was so upset when I got there...I cried the entire visit..and my poor Dad...he felt so bad. And my 2 year old...well he just kept roaming around the house calling for my Mom...it was so confusing for him. And, it just so hard for me to go there anyway...without my Mom...in the home I always lived in...it felt so wrong. So, I leave there crying and feeling awful.
So, we go to the 3rd pumpkin delivery...my Mom's apartment. When I saw her face, I really did fall apart, and sobbed, and spent a great portion of the visit in the bathroom. She was in the middle of eating dinner, and I know I ruined it for her. Going there is so...hard also. I was telling her about my grandmother...and she was trying to talk to me about it. I'll need to call her in the morning..she will worry about me.
Then I get in the car to leave, and DH calls me..and I hear his voice...and he is telling me that he will be graduating with his Doctorate degree with a perfect 4.0..he was so excited, and then I must have sounded nasally...and he said, "Are you o.k.?"...and he was worried about me driving so upset...but I made it home o.k. And then he sent the kids to the living room so I could tell him what was the matter...and I soaked his t-shirt with tears. And, he was wonderful, as always....and told me to forgive myself, and that I must work on coming to terms with the divorce...and then he held me for a long time....and now here I sit, pouring this all out. I'm just so overwhelmed sometimes....I don't feel like I can do all this. I just cant seem to be all the things I need to be.
I'm going to bed now. I look like a truck ran over me, and then backed up and ran over me again. My head hurts and I am exhausted. Thank you for listening.
I haven't been posting on this thread but I saw Lisa's post and it has brought me crying. I am so sorry Lisa for your horrible, trying day. I know how it feels to try to be all things to all people. Don't beat yourself up about not being in touch with your Grandmother. She gave you the impression she didn't want to have anything to do with you and you being a person who does not want to push yourself on people gave her her distance that you felt she wanted. I know it hurts you and I'm sorry. Sorry about the divorce. I lost my mother to breast cancer 6 years ago. Almost three years later my Dad re-marries my mother's cousin. I had a hard time with dealing with my mother's death again but accepted it for my Dad's sake for I want him only to be happy. Now, he and my stepmother are separated and getting divorced. It's hard even when you are older dealing with these disappointments. You are such a great friend to your friend also for just being there for her at this time. Speaking from someone who has been there, just having someone to talk to, to cry to is such a comfort. You don't have to be a "strong" person, you don't have to be a super woman to be of comfort to your friend. Just stay being you. You are setting a great example to your children because where would they have had that foundation of charity to begin with? I'm so sorry, Lisa and I will pray for you and your friend.
(((((((Donna)))))))), thank you so, so much for what you wrote to me. It means the world that I can come here, unload, and find compassion. I am feeling better this morning...got up and cooked breakfast so that everyone could see I was o.k. Sent them all out the door with full tummies and with seeing Mom smile -LOL! Donna, my heart just aches for you too. Divorce is just......well, just ...I don't even have the word for it. Here I am 34, and it has hurt me so much. I am so sorry you went through that with your Mom.....that's a nightmare in itself. The thing is...I can tell what kind of a person, what kind of a daughter you are...when I read you comment that despite all your grief, you just wanted your Dad to be happy when he remarried. Thank you very much for your prayers...and now I will include you in mine. I feel so lucky that I "met" you Donna. ((((Donna))))
Lisa... sometimes in life, we don't realize what we have, and how awesome it is, until it's gone, or almost gone. You spent, from what you've said, most of your childhood with your grandmother, and you were very close. Sometimes people grow apart without realizing what's happening, and it's not easy to deal with. What you need to realize, is that you went back. You saw her, you told her how bad you felt for not having been there the whole time, and she said there was nothing to be sorry about. Believe her. If she's always been a free spirit and done what she felt like doing, then she's not going to lie to you. She loves you, and you still love her, obviously. If you want to bring her back into your family's life, I'm sure that your kids would be absolutely thrilled to be around her, and I'm sure that her heart would nearly explode with being so happy to have her great-grandkids around. *Plus, she can put them to work!* Cherish what you have, my dear. You're very lucky to still have your grandmother around, and I'm glad that you went to see her, even after all this time. It was a good idea. *hug* You're an awesome mom, and as for dealing with your parents... let it come naturally. That kind of emotional stress has to take its' course, but you can't force it or hold it back. And congrats to your hubby -- what an awesome guy!! Smart, too, I see!! Lean on him and utilize him as your pillar of strength at home when you need him. Someday, he'll need the same from you. You're doing fine, just remember to take a deep breath and let yourself relax and not feel so overwhelmed, Lisa. *hug* You rock!
Wow.. Lisa... Let me just say that I understand you.... unbelievably! There are a few differences in our stories... but they are very similar.. except that your grandmother is still alive.... and you can still make up for lost time. I know you feel bad and guilty... but guess what... You have been given the opportunity to make up for it. Me.. I can't ever go back and tell my loved ones that I'm sorry and that I love them. My great aunt and uncle were soooo special to me. They were closer than grandparents to me. My parents worked a lot... and I was there every single day while I was a kid. They were the most amazing people I have ever known.. They got up in the morning, prayed, my uncle cooked breakfast, cleaned, put out the plates for us, they prayed at least 3 times a day. My uncle did all the cooking and cleaning. They went to separate churches and were separate denominations... That was the most amazing marriage I had ever seen. Either one of them had a car.. so they either walked or rode the bus where they had to go. They were like 70 or older then. My uncle would walk over 4 of 5 miles everyday to come and get me from school. I just loved them soo much. But when I got in high school... I got soo caught up with my own life and my own problems that I didn't even go visit them. They lived like a minute away from me. Then by the time I knew what had happened, they had alziemers and didnt even know me anymore. I still cry about it.. I still have dreams about them... I just cry and tell them I love them and I'm sorry. I wish I could have them both back for just one day. So they could see my kids... I wanted more than anything for them to see me graduate from high school.... Maybe if I had been there. If they wouldnt have thought I had let them down.. given up on them...
Lisa... you still have your grandmother. You can still do all the things you wanted to do. You are so blessed.. more than you know. No matter what, you can't go back and change the past.... but you have the present to do everything you can to make things better. You brought me to tears with your post... and I just had to let you know that you should put all that guilt away and remember that you are blessed. Your kids have a chance to spend time with her also... and they are blessed for that. You have the chance to make your grandmother's days on earth more meaningful and give her hope. Always remember that!
Ok, well I'm crying now...so I better go! I hope everyone is having a great day. Since this is a place to talk about feelings.. I'll be back soon!
....and Jennifer, Lucy, Jaymi....oh bless you. You are wonderful and make me feel so lucky to be a part of this group. I am so sorry I made some of you cry. I just can't help it...the crying...I have always cried easily...
Lucy - what you said makes so much sense..you are such a sweetie..thank you , Lucy...((((Lucy)))). And,
Jaymi- I just know your aunt and uncle didn't think you gave up on them. I feel in my heart that they understood youth....and you were just a child...I remember how when I was in high school...that was just my "world"...you were living like any teenager did. When we are young, we feel invincible...we don't comprehend our mortality...we think that things will stay the same...and your relatives knew that. Bless your heart Jaymi...I'm sorry you have carried this burden so long. I'll pray for you that you will find peace. (((((Jaymi)))).
Jennifer - (((((Jennifer)))))...you mean the world to me.
AGAIN!! I just logged on and read your story, Lisa! I can't say any more than what the others have written! You know I'm here and you know I'm always just an "ear" away! I was sitting here (crying, of course) feeling your pain and realizing how grateful I am to have you for my friend! And all of you! You all are the most amazing women that you can come here and share from your hearts! I wil always be grateful to you for that!
Lisa...if you want to IM me tonight if you have time, feel free! I'll be around after 9! Hugs to you sistah, friend!! And you are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your friend and family!!
I am feeling totally lethargic and lazy and cranky today.
Reasons: I have a sore tastebud on my tongue and it keeps hitting my teeth and hurting. I have a sore on my lip from biting it accidentally and then it swelled up 'cause my body is fun like that, and it hurts. I'm tired & haven't slept for a few nights for much. I have to eat to take my painkillers, and I don't feel like eating anything at all, so I have to force it down my stupid throat.
Gah!
Lisa & Jay... I wrote a huge response post (seriously, HUGE), and it didn't post!!! I'll try to post it again... *hugs to ya both*
Okay... off to force myself to eat some healthy beef stew that I made, drink a whole bottle of water, and then shop my little butt off! That's sure to take away the cranky feeling, right?
I don't know if I've mentioned this yet or not, but the job I was offered didn't come through. Apparently there's been some budget cuts and they've decided they can't afford me. I probably have mentioned it, since this was last week's news, but I haven't really had much time to think about it. Last week I was busy with work, then my trip, and now I'm just sitting at home being sick and not doing anything besides thinking.
I want to get out of here so bad. This house drives me crazy. It makes me feel like screaming. I love my parents with all my heart, and I know that they are wonderful parents and that I am lucky to have them. But their lifestyle is not mine, and their house is not mine. And I feel powerless to do anything about it.
The day I found out I did not get my job, I went over to Steve's for a little while after work, and he made me feel a little better. But not much. When I pulled in my driveway this sense of dread and loathing overtook me. When I got to my house I simply sat in my car and cried. Not over the job, there will be other jobs, better jobs. I cried because the opportunity was gone. I was so close to getting out, so close, and now once again there is no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
I can't afford to leave. And that, too, is my fault. My sophomore year in college I got in over my head with credit cards, student loans, etc, and now I'm in debt up to my ears. I'm slowly climbing my way out, but I still owe more than I make. And then there's my car. One day Grandma decided I needed a car, so now I have one. I make the payments, but I can't really afford it, and even though I love my car, even though sometimes it seems like the one nice thing I've got or ever will have, the more I think about it the more I think I could have made a much better decision in that regard. As my father loves to point out to anyone who will listen, just because you have the money doesn't mean you can afford it. I'm lucky I can afford gas for it, and the thing's a miser.
What it all boils down to is the fact that I'm stuck. My parents can't help me financially; they're still living paycheck-to-paycheck themselves, with a mortgage and many other bills besides, not to mention debt of their own. I see all of my friends living on their own, paying their own bills, having their own space, and I feel ashamed that I am still here. I want so much to be out of here, to be left to my own counsel, to not have to clean up after anyone else or wonder if Dad will take out the trash this week (which he invariably does not) or if my brother will leave the sink a mess after he shaves in the morning (which he invariably does). I want so much to be able to come home to a warm house (our house is very large and wood-heated, which means it's cold after a day of not being tended), where the things that I have cleaned are still clean, where something in the house matches instead of just being odds and ends we have picked up or inherited from random places. I want to be able to come home and fix what I want for dinner and not have to worry about what Dad wants to eat or whether or not I'll wake Mom up if I start up the treadmill or turn on my stereo. I don't want to be embarassed to have my boyfriend, or any of my friends, see my house.
I was so close to getting out.
And now it's back to the drawing board. Now I have to search again for a job that isn't there in a field I don't really like. I could go to grad school like I really want to do (or, I should say, like I need to do in order to get the job I want), but that would leave me here for another couple of years at least, and no payoff of my debt in sight. So here I am, stuck. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. It's not working. I'm getting nowhere, except more and more frustrated with each and every single day that passes.
For a while I was satisfied with losing weight. It seemed that I actually was doing something. And now I've crept back into the old thought-pattern of Nothing-Getting-Done, and it's affecting everything I do. I feel like nothing I do makes any difference, so why even bother? I'm not losing weight. I go up and down with that on a daily basis. Sometimes I do well, sometimes I do not. I don't know what I need to kick me back into gear. And now I can't even eat. Food does not taste good. Granted, I eat anyway, because I am hungry. But it is never the food I want, and I cannot think of a food I actually do want.
I have to figure something out. Before my head explodes. I just don't know what.
Nothing is ever as good as I want it to be. I think about things for so long, build them up in my imagination, that they take on a sort of idealistic quality, and then when they are finally realized they cannot possibly live up to what I want them to. Nothing is ever as good as I want it to be.
((((((((((((((((Elisha))))))))))))))))) I understand how you feel, really! The part about the trash not being taken out and the stuff in the sink from shaving...well that part cracked me up because I deal with that too...from my hubby! He's pretty good with other things, though!
You know the Ecclesiastes part of the Bible...For everything there is a time! You have to beleive that. God is providing...and will continue to provide. You are doing the right things...maybe you've made some bad choices, but you are overcoming them too! Keep your chin up, chickie! We all get stuck in these ruts from time to time. And that's why we are here!
I know with your determination and the love of your family (and boyfriend ) that you will be where you want to be when it all is supposed to happen! Now, pick yourself up from your bootstraps, girl and start kicking some serious bootie!!!
I don't even know where to start. I think I am going through all this emotional bull$**t because I am turning 30 in 10 days and I am not at all where I would like to be in my life. I feel like a complete screw up. Everything I touch somehow turns to $**t. I can't even put everything into words right now. Had a talk with bf last night. We have been together for 4 years, living together for 2 years. He has known before he moved in with me that I want another baby. I told him last night that I want to have a baby by the time I am 35 and if he is not willing to then there is a definite problem. It's not like I am just throwing this out there now. He knew when he moved in that this is something that is very important to me. I want to have a baby with someone that I am in love with. I never had that when Marissa was born. I was 19 years old when I got pregnant with her and I broke up with her father when I was 4 months pregnant because he wasn't willing to change his life for the better even though we had a baby on the way (best decision I ever made in my life). Anyway why should I have to sacrifice everything that I want. If he loved me as much as he says he does then wouldn't he want that with me also. I know our situation is different. He is 41 and already has 2 teen children (14 and 16) and says he is too old to have more children now. (He is the youngest 41 year old I have ever met. Plays softball 5 nights a week and is just a huge kid). He wants to be able to play ball with his kid, not have to have his kid walk his wheelchair. But what do I do? Do I break up with him and find someone that I won't love as much as I love him (he has my total and complete heart) or do I put aside everything that I want so he will have his way? I don't know. I just don't know.
There is so much more other than that. My job. I love my job right now. When I first graduated I got hired by the largest law firm here. It was a great place to work absolutely loved it but they wouldn't hire me starting out as a paralegal with no workplace experience so I had many different positions there and finally ended up in the accounting dep't as a billing specialist. Got stuck there and didn't see where I had anywhere else to go. So then I came here, where I am now. When I first started there were 4 attorneys (one of them I used to work with at the large law firm). After about 5 months my boss now called me at home and told me that the other partner had been embezzling mucho mucho money out of the firm and that he was going to have the partnership dissolved and forensic accountants would come in and this whole ugly thing is going to happen and would I stay with him. Well, duh, of course. So now it is just boss man and me. Absolutley love it. Very relaxed, come and go as I please and am finally working as what I went to school for. Now there are other large firms in the area wooing boss to join them as a Partner and one firm in particular which boss has decided to go to. (Of course it is a package deal, boss goes I go with him - Thank God). So now I am going to be at another large firm doing what I went to school for and what I am doing now but on a much larger scale. I am very nervous. What if I can't handle the work for the whole practice area that we will be in? This will be like the real deal. Of course it will be good to have other people in an office I can talk to and I'm sure even though boss treats me great here, benefits will be better there. I won't be able to come and go as I please or close the office at 2:00 and get paid for a full day. We won't be going until after the new year so that is another weight challenge for me.
There's more but I will be here forever if I were to try to get everything off my chest today.
I just wanted you both to know that I can relate to both of you! I wish I had more time to comment ... but I figured my hugs were better than nothing! I'll be back later!
((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))) Sometimes we just have to get off our chests what is bugging us! I'm feel so thrilled to have this venue to do just that and I'm also thrilled that others are feeling comfortable enough with everyone to post what's on their hearts! Things have ways of working out, I truly believe that!!! I know that things will work out for you...whatever is meant to be will be! Hugs to you chickie!
Thursday night feelings
It's going to be a busy weekend, but with planning I will be able to manage it ok! I just need to really buckle down and start planning the meals again because it was so helpful to me and I felt less stressed in the evening when I got home because I knew what I was going to eat...no guessing!
I hope everyone is having a great day. Since this is a place to talk about feelings.. I'll be back soon! 
I'll try to post it again... *hugs to ya both* 
