Hey guys, sorry I've been quiet recently. I'm sending out a call to arms to give me a firm talking to. To be blunt - I really need some help. I felt like I'm usually the one giving other people a pep talk, so you'd think I'd be fine at giving myself one, but that isn't the case. I'd appreciate if you could read my post and send me some kind words, but tough love is always welcome.
If I was ever on the wagon, then my wagon hit a boulder in the road and sent me hurling through the sky before crashing to the ground in a heaping, bloody mess. It's not as dramatic as I make out, but it made me chuckle thinking of that imagery.
I've gone from 168 lbs to 173 lbs. I'm actually IN the 170's (as opposed to dangerously close to) for the first time since 2011. I'm closer to OBESITY than I am to healthy. How did it happen? I've spent the summer literally inactive, in a state of hibernation ironically enough, because I hate humidity and I just moved to a humid climate. I didn't exercise, but my food intake was relatively good. Then the boyfriend gets contractor work which means he works 2 weeks in Colorado and then gets 2 weeks home in Georgia. Something interesting that I've discovered about myself all too well as of late - I eat more when I'm alone. My boyfriend is almost this silent, unknowing pillar of support that stops me from eating myself into a stupor. When he's not around, I go overboard. I wouldn't say I binge eat, because I think that would be unfair to say considering some people have a huge problem with that, but I can definitely say with confidence that I eat way too much. More than a person needs and at night time, worse of all.
Also, my boyfriends company was willing to pay for my flight to and from Colorado if I wanted to visit him while he was away. A free weekend to Colorado? Awesome! Oh, he also gets a daily meal allowance that's far too generous which means we can eat out all the time for free? Alllrrriiight! (Said in the tone of Linda from Bob's Burgers). So last weekend I had sushi, Thai food, junk food, a burger...nothing really of nutritional merit (bar the sushi, but not the amount I eat).
I returned to Georgia and thought I would face the music, I stepped on the scale and saw 173 lbs and it's been around that weight for the last couple of days.
I can't do this anymore! I'm so TIRED of being overweight, of feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, of not looking after my body - my vessel through life. I shouldn't be abusing it with terrible food, I should be feeding it with all the goodness that comes from the earth and keeping it strong for the years to come. Over the past 4 years I've gained 24 lbs...I know it could be SO much worse but that is such a huge deal to me! My clothes are starting to get snug, I'm starting to see my face get rounder and rounder and what am I doing about it? Stuffing my face and not exercising. I'm so sick of the way I live, I don't WANT this yet this is all I know...does that make sense?
I didn't post on here because I felt ashamed in all honesty. I run these challenges and see so many awesome people lose weight and here I am - challenge master who can't even succeed in her own challenges. It's not the reason I do them, of course, but for once I would love to see myself be successful at one of these things. I'd love to see my name on top one of these days. But I can't keep dreaming it, I have to change my life to make it happen.
If anything good has come from this realisation it's that I need to change. Being obese is something that honestly scares the crap out of me. I know I'm being dramatic here, but I'm scared of having some sort of heart attack or becoming diabetic or something related to being obese. I want to live a really long, healthy life if I can help it. I want to be able to still walk, swim, run, hike when I'm 60. My boyfriends dad is in his late 50's and he just did the Triple Bypass bike race (120 mile bike ride over THREE mountains) so it's not an impossible dream.
I've sat and done some thinking and I'm starting to come to the conclusion that perhaps counting calories isn't for me and that's ok!! It works for so many people, but it doesn't have to work for everyone. I'm going to have to sit myself down and do the "serving size" plan that I did sometime in 2015. I lost 4 lbs in a week and it felt so effortless - except the part where I had to plan every little meal and snack in the day. But once I had figured that out it was smooth sailing. The idea is is to consume the right amount of servings per food group. I can't remember off the top of my head how many, but it emphasized protein and vegetables, with some grains, fruit, dairy and fats and little of anything else.
Despite my stupid brain trying to talk me out of it, I'm going to enter a 5K for the end of October. I'm going to do a C25K 4 week plan and get out there and do it. I think I've mentioned this previously. I work best with a exercise goal that has costed me money, as weird as it sounds. The weather is finally starting to cool here, which makes me so insanely happy because I can feel myself getting excited to start running again.
If you've managed to make it through this post and you feel like you'd like to send me some words of encouragement, please do. Any sort of "just DO IT already" would be awesome. I need you guys for support!
Sorry for the lack of personals - I will keep up with them from here, I'm positive.