[sierra_ttw]

Okay... so I've almost posted on here a couple of times, and then lost the nerve, because I figured I didn't really have a problem and that I should just get over it. I'm starting to feel like I need help, though. I've done well with healthy weight-loss so far, exercising and eating healhtier foods and less of them. Over the summer I purged a couple times - I felt like I'd eaten way too much and was feeling very uncomfortable. This is something I haven't done for years - I dealth with both anorexia and bulemia when I was 12/13, relapsed a few times when I was 16 and 18, and have felt like I had put it behind me and moved on. I guess I haven't, though. After the summer I started purging a little more - a couple of times a month, then it was once a week (always the same day - after I went to dinner at my dad's, since the food he cooked was usually stuff I don't normally allow myself to eat). I fooled myself into thinking it was normal - that everyone does it once and awhile. Then it was a couple of times a week, but always while I was home alone. Thing is, I've purged the last 3 days in a row - once at work (I'm a nanny - how would I explain that if my little charge heard me?), and the other two times at home while my boyfriend was home. It almost felt routine - I really didn't stop to think about it, I just did it.
I think it's mostly because I haven't been losing a lot of weight lately, so I'm feeling kinda desperate. The pathetic part is I haven't even lost any weight since I started doing it more regularly, and that's the whole reason I do it. Sorry, I don't even know why I'm writing this, I don't know what I'm trying to get out of it - I guess I just need to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening, guys.

[loveandlaughalways]

hang in there; there is more people that are in your same situation. I infact have felt like purging and have tried it. I can see were it would become easy if done much of the time. I just wanted to say hang in there and you are in the right place!!!

[shrinkingchica]

Oh, sierra, let me give you a .
You must be totally in the right place.
I have not even been *here* for long, because I felt the exact same way. "I don't even have a problem. Does this board even deal with this sort of thing? It's normal, right? I can't possibly have a problem. Purging several times a week with or without binging is routine for most people, and I am just normal."
Whatever. It isn't normal and you and I both need to work on accepting that.
I also got in the same cycle of being desperate to lose weight and then purging. Then the purging out of control and took on a life of its own and controls me sometimes. I purge without even thinking about it. Like just about a half hour ago.
It is a dirty lil secret with me and when people ask me why I am in the bathroom I say something like washing my face or some nonsense. I also am cursed by the fact that I am really "good" at it. Like I can purge without even making a noticable noise and always manage a really refreshed look afterwards so no one knows.

If you ever want to pm about it that is cool with me. God knows that it is difficult and even though I have not sorted it out for myself, I at least understand.

[angiepants78]

Puring is horrible and yes you should seek help before it gets out of control and it does get out of control very quickly. Try to take it one day at a time. Try really hard not to purge tomorrow and just try to get through that day and before you know it, it will be a week and it won't be routine. I use to do that aswell and it's just terrible. When I was younger I use to feel like I had so much control cause I could get rid of everything I ate and it felt good to know I had that power. And yes i did lose weight, but I ended up in the hospital and I have so many problems due to puking, taking laxes, starving and bingeing. It's not worth it. You lost a lot of weight with out throwing up right? You can do it again!!! Be strong, don't give in!! No purging!!

I know i don't know you but I'm here for you, feel free it PM me or AIM and yahoo me angiepants78

[sierra_ttw]

Thank you so much, guys. It really is the wierdest thing - logically, I know that what I'm doing isn't safe, and I know I don't want to end up sick... but sometimes all the logic disappears, and I convince myself that it's fine to do it just once more, and that everyone does it now and then. Charlotte - I'm "good" at it, too, which is scary. I'm quiet and quick, and the only reason I got help before I got really bad when I was younger is because a friend caught me at school. I don't want it to come to that again.
I've decided to go to the counselling service at my college. I have a medical plan through my boyfriend that covers this stuff, but there's no way I could tell him what's going on - I'd rather just deal with it without anyone knowing if I can.
I just wanted to thank you guys for your support - knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this helps a lot. Thanks.