[lindasuedallas]

Hi,
I'm committing to being binge free today. That being said, I woke up feeling so anxious...we have a 3 day offsite at work including required group dinners and I am really stressed at group functions regardless of how much I try not to be. But I also know that the times I have not attended these functions, or just left early...are worse, 'cuz I feel so guilty and so worried about what it might do to my career that I binge at home anyway!!.

And, I lost my Blackberry. And, I tried on a new top that I got through the mail and it's very silky and pretty and all I thought when I looked in the mirror, was "ok..for a fat woman"..and why would you want to put on something that people will say oh is that a new top (cuz I wear the same outfits over and over again at work...if I wear a new piece of jewelry someone will comment on it!). So, I ripped off the top and replaced it with a big, black sweater that actually feels more like how I feel about myself.

And, I'm meeting a speaker that I arranged for this business offsite that I haven't seen in 5 years...when I was happily married and thin. I really don't think he'll recognize me and its just a very depressing thought.

I'm writing these down more as stream of consciousness because that's just how crazy my mind gets when something triggers it off...it just goes on an on by itself...how do you stop this!!!! I know it will lead to a binge if I can't drop it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish someone could just follow me around all day and whisper positive things in my head all the time...(Oh..I guess that should be me!!).

Thanks for this site and just letting me be me.

[littlebumblebee]

I wish I had some answers for you. As I tell myself daily I will share with you. Don't give up on yourself.

[SlimLindy]

I don't know how your day is going or how it went, but I can definitely relate. I've struggled a LOT with binge-eating. The battle for a healthy lifestyle takes place primarily in our mental world, so when stress hits (especially when it hits us on so many levels!) it becomes very difficult to feel like we can win the battle. But we can. Many others have done it before us and now it is our turn. We can fight back against all those untrue thoughts and tell ourselves, "I can win this! I CHOOSE a healthy lifestyle! I will lose this weight -- one moment at a time!" I hope you feel like you were victorious today, but no matter how it went today, plan to choose health for yourself tomorrow no matter what the stress level may be.

Thinking of you!

[lindasuedallas]

While I was able to cope yesterday and not binge with all the stuff that happened, I actually got to the business offisite fairly well calmed and determined to just make it through the day not bingeing. And, it went fine. I even went out to dinner with everyone which is typically something I avoid and I had a very good time.

Today, for whatever reason, and I'm beginning to realize that there doesn't have to be a reason...some self talk started about "not being smart enough," "being too old,", etc. I think part of it is I'm having a telephone interview for a vice president job (even as I write that I want to burst out laughing) and it all "feels" so exciting...then when I see myself at these general meetings...avoiding people; not speaking up at meetings...I know the vp job isn't for me..it's what I wish I was like. While I might be smart enough to handle it, my social skills (and I'm 57...so so much for learning from your mistakes), are really so poor. And, the first two lines in the job description are "leader" and "strong inter-personal skills."

Anyway...the dinner event was "bowling" and "laser gaming"..neither of which I can do (bowling I can't even do physically) and I've never done a laser game in my life. I was so fearful of embarrassing myself...I just didn't go. And, it was a mandatory dinner, so don't know what to expect tomorrow. I did tell one person I wasn't going so at least they knew (he was the team captain).

Maybe I should keep a diary instead of venting here..not being very positive.