I mentioned before about my FIL and his advances and how I wonder if this is what's keeping me fat--the way guys get way too close when I'm thinner. I guess probably most women experience this since women seem to be fair game but maybe it doesn't bother everyone as much as it does me? I don't know.
My FIL is 72 years old and a thug. He's a horror. I work for him and my MIL part time. I have to go to their house once a week. I feel like I was tricked into this. DH and I had moved out here (Cali) and I was temping and working toward making it permanent and DH was home with our DS. But then DH got an offer and said he had to have an answer TODAY or they would give it to someone else, leaving me literally no time to find a daycare for DS. So we switched roles and now I'm pregnant which is my fault, I'm 38 and wanted my last baby now rather than later b/c I'm really tired, my oldest is 20. So...now I'm really stuck here partly through fate and partly through not realizing what a horrible situation I was getting into!
My FIL makes sexual comments at me ALL THE TIME. His favorites are "pointed" little stories about women "he's known" (they HAVE to all be fakes) who wore something that he stared at or whatever, or who adjusted their clothes in public and how he made sexual comments and that they "had to take it" because "they asked for it, wearing stuff like that" so they couldn't call the police.
Isn't that nice?
I've been telling DH about this forever but he doesn't really know what to do, plus, I think DH is pretty surprised that anybody, anybody at all, would express that kind of an interest in me, but that's another whole story.
I'm 5 foot 1, 13 weeks pregnant, and 175 pounds.
I had gotten down to 150 pounds this summer and that's when the trouble began. FIL would not lay off. I kept telling DH and he kept saying, "Oh, but he's old, you won't change him, plus, if you quit we won't have the company car anymore, we'd make so much less w/you temping again," etc.
This really hurt me in my very guts but what could I really do?
Well now it's so out of control. My FIL kisses me continuously. "Oh, I'm so glad to have a daughter here! Give me another kiss," and he does The Slide, where the mouth opens and slides on over.
God I feel sick just writing this.
I started gaining weight--this was before I was pg. (I got pg at the end of September.) My obsessive overeating was out of control and I couldn't figure out why & never made the connection.
Well, now I'm PREGNANT for God's sake, but IT'S WORSE THAN EVER. Can you imagine mauling someone WHO'S RELATED TO YOU and IS PREGNANT? Last night was the family Christmas party. He came up to me, asked how I was, kissed, grabbed and squeezed way too hard and I said I was fine. So I said, "How about you?" and he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "glued, screwed and tattooed."
What the f*ck does glued mean? What the f*ck is he even doing??????????? He doesn't even know the saying!!!! He was just trying to think fo something, anything, to say that would have to do with sex!!!!!!!!1
So I squirmed away as fast as possible and then my SIL came over and spoke about having a beer b/c these get-togethers are hard on everybody (way disfunctional) and I patted my tummy and said, "I can't" and she said "Oh that's right! Oh I forgot!" and she was so excited about the baby and she patted my tummy. And my FIL came over, listening in, and said, "Yes, and we're pretty sure it isn't mine, but not totally sure."
My SIL stood there with her mouth hanging open and I wanted to die. I actually got tears in my eyes. I was so horrified. And my SIL goes, "That was so wrong," and finally my FIL went away.
So SIL and I talked about this WITH my DH and my SIL said both she and her sister got that mauling, molesting vibe from FIL from the time they were early teeangers but still DH said he couldn't do anything.Which really he can't. I mean what is he supposed to do?
Then the whole family would fall apart and it would be MY fault, DID YOU HEAR THAT PEOPLE, IT WOULD BE MY FAULT FOR NOT LETTING MY SICKENING 72-YEAR-OLD FATHER IN FREAKING LAW GRAB ME and basically hint to people THAT HE'S F*CKED ME. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH GOD JUST LET ME DIE NOW. I just can't even describe how that felt.
It only gets worse.
What will happen next?
I'm getting bigger, I'm getting SO much bigger, I am horrifying, so unattractive, here's me right now:
Who, WHO THE **** could look at that and think about sex??????? Please God how much grosser do I have to get before I'm left alone...please please just let me be left alone...
But I hate myself...I think about losing weight and I FREAK OUT...I grab for the food...I have the most horrible feeling thinking about getting thin, like I"m falling down a big hole...and hands are coming out to touch me and they're allowed to because I asked for it...I wanted it...and I eat...EAT.
I'm eating right now...
Yet...I hate myself...for being so gross...oh god I have never looked so sickening in all my life...I can't even breathe...everything is all pushed together and pushed in by fat. I HATE THIS. WHY? Why do I have to get to heart attack fatness before I get left alone...why is this happening...again...why? AM I asking for it?
But look at that picture! That's how I look every day! Right down to no makeup. And those are NOT sexy clothes. I lterally have two rolls that go around either side of my back..they almost touch in the center of my back now...they hurt...they push on my lungs.
I don't know how to get thin or at least control my weight this pregnancy without that horrible feeling...I'm so scared...
Somebody help me....Does anybody have any words? Quitting working is not an option. I don't know what to do. Help me........what about therapy...should I try that...I'm going to die...I'm so fat I'm going to die. I feel like I'm dying. I'm in so much pain all the time. Help me........
i am so sorry. that is an absolutely horrible situation you're in. and i know you say that quitting isn't an option. but you need to get out of there. now. you are being abused and you need to get out. no amount of money and no company car is worth the damage it's doing to you.
print out your post and make your husband read it. it's obvious that you're in a great deal of pain over this. and he should see that you just can't keep putting up with it. you can't. you deserve so much more than that.
and whatever happens, it is NOT your fault. your FIL is a sick, twisted man. and your husband should be more concerned about protecting you from him.
Hon, you have got to get into therapy or a support group to help deal with this. You are not the one that is gross and there is nothing wrong with you. He is gross, and he is sick. Have a discussion with your husband and tell him that you cannot continue to work around the father in law. There are things worth more than money and self-esteem and dignity are two of them. Please though, get help. It's so necessary. Men like him prey on women because they like the feeling of power it gives them to damage someone the way he is damaging you. No matter how much weight you gain, he will still derive the same pleasure from making you uncomfortable. With help you'll be able to take that power back from him. Good luck, and if you need to talk feel free to PM me anytime.
Just another thought - remember that no matter what happens, how painful, once you become a mother you have no greater responsibility than to protect that child. If he is a molester, you CANNOT let that child be around him. As much as you don't deserve it a child who cannot defend themselves deserves it even less. So I really encourage you to get help before you're in the position to protect not only yourself, but also your child. And your husband needs to be aware of that. You and your baby deserve more than this.
Oh, honey. Get the **** out of there. What does DH mean, he can't do anything? He can be supportive, say Dad, don't do that, it's inappropriate, or help look at ways to tighten the budget so you can either quit and concentrate on your children or quit and take a temp job.
And me being a larger woman myself, I don't think you look disgusting at all, but I believe that even were you (WHEN you do...positive thinking!) to lose the weight you want, you will probably still feel bad about yourself because the FIL is f**cking with your mind. So get the **** out, tell your DH to get a clue, and find a support group.
You owe it to yourself, your unborn child, and your DS.
Best of luck. I know it will be hard hard hard, but think about how much worse it will be to stay in that situation. And don't let them make you think it is your fault for breaking up the family. Those people know EXACTLY who to blame.
Wow I am so sorry you are going through this.. no you don't deserve this and you are NOT asking for it! You need to get out of this situation, and your DH needs to support you in doing that, for your sake and for your future child's sake. You are more important than the company car! Definitely find some support from a group or a counsellor. Like the others have already said, this isn't your fault.
((((Girls)))) Thank you. I so needed to hear all this tonight.
I just spoke w/my DH and he asked me in that pained way if I want him to talk to FIL. Unfortunately, a) I know he doesn't want to do it, that he'll purposely do it badly & that all the fallout will be blamed on me and b) people who are boundary-crossers are well versed in making the victim feel REALLY stupid for bringing it up. He's had 72 years of practice. I know this b/c I know someone else who did this and got away with it 99% of the time. The other 1% he got beaten up (by my little brother's friends' sister's father...I know, confusing, suffice it to say it involved a 12-year-old girl, and a f*cking molestor who was certain he could get away with more, and more, and more...like they always do).
The family is so afraid of both FIL and MIL that they're all f*cked up. Every single person at that party yesterday mentioned to me at one time or another that FIL and/or MIL were driving them to drink at the party. I mean every single person, bar none. I was the lone person unable to drink to get rid of the pain of being near them.
My brother-in-law is actually going into therapy WITH MIL...now how f-d up is that? This man is FORTY-FOUR years old. He's STILL so terrified of his mother (MIL) that he has to go into therapy to discuss her behavior with the therapist in the room, rather than have to face her all alone.
DH is acting like this is all my fault. Oh, just what I needed. "I'm sorry you're being sexually abused. It's all your fault. And if you don't let it continue and get worse and worse and worse, who knows, maybe a tongue will come out of that disgusting wrinkled senior citizen mouth one of these days while he's kissing you open-mouthed, but if YOU don't LET it go on then the REST of us have to deal with it too...no fair! I mean just b/c I've known about all this for nineteen years is no reason *I* should have to feel any aftereffects! Wah, YOU'RE making this hard on the rest of us!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????
So I told DH, I'm going into therapy to deal with FIL since I'm obviously not allowed to leave. I told him that will be money OUT of our pocket...I mean therapy isn't free. So much for getting free cash with that car, eh? TOO BAD. I told DH, "You knew all about your parents well before you even met me!"
Right now I can't stand him for doing this to me! It's like, "Don't bother me by telling me that MY family is sexually abusing you. Just take more of it." NO! NO!!!!!!!!!! I WON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I WILL get therapy...starting right away. Maybe they can help me know what to say to/do about FIL. BUt as I said, I've known an abuser before and my therapist at that time told me taht unfortunately, there is really no cure rate for this type of person. They just DON'T get cured.
I hate this. I hate being told I should take more of it. That's SICK, THAT'S SICK.
i know its shitty, but if your husband isnt willing to help you, is that really a relationship you want to be in? seriously? i mean they are his parents because they gave birth to him, he is your husband because he CHOSE you. with that comes responsibilities. does he have some extravagant life that will be impacted if you get help or find another job (that could pay more). you DONT have to take that. you HAVE to stand up for yourself if no one will help you. not only is it gross, but its sexual harassment in the workplace because you work for him. have you ever thought about threatening to file a police report. the first thing you have to do is forget what other people are going to think of you. you may break up the family, but that kind of stuff is not cool at all. its the same as not saying anything about an uncle thats a molester, because you dont want to break up the family. SCREW THAT. you have to take care of yourself and your unborn baby. what about all the stress that baby is going through with you. that can cause a miscarrage. then what... oh well.. grandpa is a dirty old man that caused me to loose my baby... but at least the family is disfunctional and together drinking to numb the pain of it all. ***BIG HUGS*** be strong. have courage in your conviction and tell him that its ENOUGH. and if he cant respect that, f*ck that. file a report. his age shoudnt be a factor in getting away with being a dirty old man. i highly suggest getting a small tape recorder and taping what he says. use it against him. tell him that if he doesnt stop youre going to the police. hopefully you can end it there. why is everyone so afraid of them anyway?
i guess the alternative would be.. bring a shotgun to work day? where in california do you live that you cant find a stay at home job?
More thoughts as I try to unravel all this horror.
Do I deserve it after all? Because you know this is not the first time. Is karma making it happen over & over b/c maybe some people really DO deserve it? Maybe there are a few who do. Maybe one of those is me. You know...when I was little and it happened, if I cried about it then the person that I told (my mother) told the molester all about it as soon as she was mad at me, pointing a finger, "Well, do you know what SHE said?" So I stopped telling, b/c then it was even worse. B/c then the molester would smile at me through an incomplete set of teeth (yes, cliche but it was true) as if to say, "If even your own mother won't protect you, then you're fair game." And I was. From teh age of 11...at which time I asked for it b/c I grew "tits".
When it happened...after HE would go to sleep, all happy...snoring away. ANd so did everybody else in the house. They all got to sleep peacefully b/c it wasn't them. Not even my mother. Only I was up alone, terrified, filthy, not ALLOWED to take a shower, I'd get beaten for that if I woke up the GOOD DESERVING people in the house...being forced to lie in filth all night long...eventually I didn't care...I lay in it all night...into the next morning...didn't bother to shower...what did it matter? Filth on top of filth. Nothing would wash it away anywa...but even being dirty didn't keep him from me.
And now DH...he does the same thing, just goes to sleep after I've been filthed all over, even if only emotionally (so far...except for that attempted French kiss stuff). Just now I saw he had gone to bed right after I told him!!! HE can escape it. He is confirming: I am filth. *I* can stay alone to deal with it while he wanders off to dreamland. I have to sit here in this feeling that makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. But *he* deserves rest and peace.
But being fat is a HUGE hurrah on my part. So you want people to think you f*cked me, old man, you sick, sick *******? Let them...let them think you got near a DISGUSTING fat chick with no makeup and a gross body. Oh YEAH you're the big man for molesting a fat old girl! The laugh will be on YOU!
That's what's rolling around in my head tonight...while DH snores peacefully, glad that it's me and not him. HE was molested as a youngster. I wonder how he would have felt if the answer had been, "Oh man, why did you tell us this? Now I have to find a new babysitter, you're costing us money." THAT *******, how can he turn around and do this to me?
Christ I hate them all. I wish I were gone from here. I wish I could move back to the East coast. I hate these people. I hate my husband, badly.
After this baby I will see what I can do about leaving entirely...I don't have any money and THEY do but DAMN IT they will not go near my children...they won't...I don't care...and DH will be sorry...but maybe not too sorry b/c what's he losing? A fat ugly woman who's covered, all the time, in other people's filth.
Sometimes I wish I could die. When does the part come where it ends? All this stuff?
Hi Princess. I don't know why everybody is so afraid of them. Except that...I am too. So I guess I can understand that. Plus, my FIL is always talking about how he knows people who can get other people killed if he wants them too and that he's offered that service to friends, etc. for ex-spouses, stuff like that. And as for filing police reports I know for a fact that he's afraid I'll do that b/c lately all the stories have centered around how he said things to women, etc. and when they protested he told them the way they were dressed would mean they tempted him into it so no cop would ever believe them. He's VERY specific about these stories (I don't believe any of them actually happened) and he tells them only to me so I know he's afraid I'll go to the police. I know he knows he's doing something wrong.
I don't like that stuff though about knowing people who can get ex-spouses killed. Oh Princess, I am so sick of all this sh*t you have no idea. Oh my god, god help me I love my DS and I love this new baby too but if I knew ANY of this beforehand I would never, ever, ever, every have married my DH.
Mel, sweetie...I feel SO bad for the situation you are in . If I typed everything I wanted to say to you it would take all night so I'm just going to tell you couple of things I know for sure.
1) You are SO NOT ugly. You have a whole new PERSON growing inside you...a whole new life. There is nothing even a little bit ugly about that. Beautiful, yes. Ugly, no. And I suspect that you know that but are hoping that you are ugly now so that disgusting old creep you are working for (have a hard time attaching "father" to that sort of behaviour) will maybe leave you alone.
2) You are not in any way, shape or form bringing any of this on yourself. Why does it keep happening then? I have no idea. But I do know that if you learn to deal with it now it will never have to happen to you again. Some of the other posters have suggested therapy and I think that would be a good place to start if you are comfortable with it. Also there are a lot of good books out there. I just read one by Wayne Dyer called "Manifest Your Destiny" or something along those lines and I found it very inspirational. There is also a website http://www.drwaynedyer.com/home/index.cfm I really like Wayne Dyer...he puts things in a way that really makes sense to me. But there are a lot of books out there...find something that makes sense to you.
As far as how to deal with the creep...if your husband chooses to not be a man and speak to his father man to man about never EVER touching his wife again...then I say quit. F**k the money. Walk away from that job and that ridiculous man and never look back. I bet you will find that your happiness more than makes up for the money.
Since he is your in-law and you may be forced to deal with him at other times I say treat him like the slug that he is. If he suggests that you have or would sleep with him look him in the eye and say "where would you ever get the idea that I would sleep with you? Please. I have standards." If the encounters become embarrassing for him he should stop.
3) This is the most important one. Its something I know for sure and I bet you do too but its just been lost temporarily.
We all have something in us...I don't know if its a soul or spirit or what...but it is YOU. I know its in all of us and its harder than a diamond and it CANNOT be destroyed. Nothing on this earth can even touch it. People will try. They will pile sh*t on it and try to make you think it is gone. That they can take it. They can't. And the really great part is that even though they will pile crap on top of it and you may gain weight and eat to try and hide it from them its still there. And all you have to do is push the sh*t aside and pull it out. Don't go sifting through the sh*t looking for meaning and why's...you won't find it. Just take out that diamond hard spark of you and hold it up and let it guide you. Okay...I know that sounds really hokey and sort of new age-y but if you just start listening to yourself and following what your spirit is telling you to do for yourself and your family you will see your life get better right before your eyes (sure, money is one thing but don't your kids deserve a mom who knows what she is worth? Stand up for yourself now so that its easier to stand up for them later. There will come a time when all these horrible experiences will mean that you can make sure that your kids don't have to go through stuff like this alone because you will be there and you will know how to help them deal with it).
I know it would be really nice if your husband would be your knight in shining armour but since that doesn't look like its going to happen you are going to have to be your own knight. After all you have been through and you are still walking around I KNOW you have it in you.
I wish there were something more I could do for you . I really hate to see a person in as much pain as you are in but you aren't alone and I KNOW you can make it through this. If there is anything at all I can ever do for you even if its just provide encouragement let me know...I think you can e-mail me from here...or just post, seems like I'm always reading on here.
And by the way...I thought that you screen name was cute. Its part of what made me read your post.
Casey
Also...I just had another thought that may be helpful...when I am forced to deal with people who behave in ways that make me insane I sometimes find it helpful to think of their behaviour in terms of "them" rather than "me". That man isn't behaving so disgustingly because of you...he is doing it because he feels weak and useless and pathetic. To make himself feel big he attacks you. That doesn't make it okay and it doesn't make it go away but it does mean that its not you, its HIM. Do everything you can to remove yourself from his path and let his problems be his, not yours.
first things first. people that know people who can "take care of people.. if you know what i mean..." usually dont. the ones that do, dont go arround blabbing about it.
2nd. it wouldnt matter if you came to work naked with a "do me" sign arround your neck, you dont deserve someone invading your personal space. there is no such thing as ASKING for it. not by the way you look, not by the way you dress, not by something perceived. that does not in ANY way give someone permission to invade your space, make you feel uncomfortable, or otherwise. ESPECIALLY because you are pregnant, i feel the cops would protect you.
first and formost, you have to look after that little one thats inside you.
QUIT THAT PLACE!!!! IMMEDIATELY!!! do not pass go. do not collect 200.00.
a paycheck and a car do not mean you can be harassed and abused.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!!! this must be your mantra. people take advantage of people they think they can over power. again, agree with mama. he uses that "power" over you to feel important.
if you have to see him at family gatherings. dont make jokes like "i have standards" tell him FLAT OUT and LOUD that is INAPPROPRIATE. wether he is joking or not. and you WILL NOT STAND for it any longer.
as for your husband.. it sounds like he has some issues with his family. if you think its worth salvaging, DEMAND he go to counseling with you, if not, screw him. you cant allow your children to grow up with a man who cant protect thier mother (as 1930's as that sounds).
where is your family? maybe there is a lot more here that needs to be looked at... maybe you need to talk to your mom... ask her why she didnt protect you? theres a lot more there than you probabally think. but i assure you this. you dont want to have to have that conversation with YOUR kids in 20 years because you werent strong enough now to protect them.
i will keep you in my prayers. if you need a hug or some support, please email me, IM, me.. ****, if you want, you can call me.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!!!! be the mother your children need, because obviously your husband is not capable of it.
i saw the picture of your little boy on another post. he is an angel. love him the way he's supposed to be loved. and love yourself. you are worth it *hugs*
Casey, your post meant a lot to me. I'm going to hold onto that piece of myself. I don't know how to tell you how much what you said moved me.
DH and I had it out this morning and he says he will find a way that I won't have to go over there anymore and that from now on he will not leave me alone in a room with FIL. That's what he says.
I just want it to be over. I don't want to hear that I am a pain in the *** because I won't just take this. DH says he doesn't feel this way but that's ALWAYS his first reaction. "Why do you (me) have to cause trouble..." He swears he'll work on this. Who knows. I'm kind of numb to the idea of really having a give-and-take loving marriage at this point, I don't dare hope one more time and maybe that's over too. I don't know. But DH says he's going to get me away from FIL so we'll see what happens.
I come from the same experience as you...I grew up with a mom who didn't think there was a problem with letting the male family members molest me. Infact she defended them...
I spent 3 yrs in therapy,,,best investment I ever did. I learned alot from myself. I know I need to go back in and work on more issues..and will one day.
How my abuse stopped...
It was a week before christmas,,my mom and step father bought me a used type writer for christmas. So I was sitting there playing with it,,,figuring out how to use it since it didn't come with instructions. He thought I was goofing off and pushed me out of my chair to take over *learning* to type. I admit I did say it in a snide remark,,well fine you keep the damn thing...and went to walk away,,,he stood up and back handed me. Wasn't expecting it and hit the side of the cabinet,,so not only was a I bruised on cheek but I was scraped on the other. My mom came to see what the problem was,,,she freaked on him cause it was noticable on my face that Id been hit. He went after her,,,I went to pull him off of her,,,and he again hit me. I blanked out. I completely lost it. All the abuse..from age 8 to well 15 yrs old. My mom had to call neighbours to get me off of him. He was rushed to the hospital with MUTLIPLE cuts and bruises and broken bones. When I saw him,,alone I informed him that this would only be the beginning if he ever touched me or anyone else again...looked him in the eye. He understood and from what I know hes never done anything again. Nothing ever was said in the family again...I took my power back that day.
I don't know too many families more messed up then mine. But I survived and well I would say I have thrived without being *part* of that family. I made my own family. Blood may be thicker then water,,,but blood can stick you in places that are not healthy for you.
Personally Mel,,get the therapy. With your background it will be the best thing for you and your children. Have to warn you though,,,its rough. I cried so much the first month...hyperventilated a couple of times/physically sick. I had blocked out so much...and like a tidal wave it knocked me down..and dragged me around. But like the saying goes,,,get up dust yourself off and keep going.
(and swat him across the head each time he says inappropriate things,,,tell him he asked for it...grrrr)
pm me if ever you want to talk/chat
(((Angie))) My mother defended my molester too ("what's the matter with you, you can't even be hugged by your own stepfather? That means you're a cold woman, it's called frigid, and frigid women never get husbands so you'll end up alone"). Why do these people get defended????????????????????? What about us? What about the people who NEED to be defended????????? Did you ever discuss that in therapy? I'm afraid they'll say "because sometimes bad things just happen" and I just can't accept that answer anymore.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It moved me to tears. I so feel for you. I wish I had been your mom so I could kick the sh*t out of ANYONE who harmed my baby. As a mother now, that's what I am inclined to do...defend the *children*, not an adult who knows better. I wish that's how it had been for you. And for me. Many hugs to you. My heart goes out to you.
Please somebody help me :(
but maybe it doesn't bother everyone as much as it does me? I don't know.
let me know...I think you can e-mail me from here...or just post, seems like I'm always reading on here.
