My Precious
 

Okay it seems to me a over the years I have gotten rid of quite a few of my diet books. So why do I have 20 books on dieting? And some of them are just about worn through and highlighted. These are my friends, these are my Gods, this is my precious. The idea of getting rid of them is scarey and that doesn't include the other pile of "Curing your Depression" ,"10 Steps to getting Control of Your Life", "Excavating Your Authentic Self". I haven't even started to go through all the books I own on spirtuality, religion, and philosophy. There are others that I am so attached to I won't even consider whether they need to go in the piles of "trying to fix Chris" . I am sure some of them do, but I am taking the "What About Bob" babysteps approach. I want to :cry: Its like if I know everything then it will be better? Sometimes I have taken the **** and other time I have stayed on the pot. What the **** I am looking for to fix me? Obsessed with myself. An ego-mainac with low self-esteem. Does this sound like a pity party? Mostly I am just horrified. How much of my life has been wasted in trying to fix my life instead of living it? Being present instead of in the food and in myself. So just for today can I choose to be where I am? The task sounds daunting, its easier to hole up inside me, analyzing, analyzing, analyzing. Surrender or die. So many deaths we can have in this world.

There is physical death which sounds the least scariest to me. Emotional death. Spiritual death. Much worse. To stand in the light of the spirit, to surrender to the day. Accept this is who I am and take the next step forward. Its the actions that count not the sitting and thinking about the next thing to do. Thanks for listening.

Jenelle- Its all a journey. Good food days, bad food days, maybe when it boils down to it, these are just the days of our lives. Wow queen of mellodrama this morning :lol:

Christy- HALTS (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed) happens to all of us. We are such perfectionists even when it paralyzes us that it must have been very hard to decide to quit. We just aren't quitters even when its not our path. :grouphug: I love it when your chatty by the way! :D

Vanessa-I still love to dress up for Halloween. Last year I was a Trill (not a tribble a Trill, the symbiotic species of Jadzia Dax). This year I am not decided if I will or I won't. I love buying for my niece, she is totally spoiled and gorgeous of course. My new nephew I will spoil him in a few years, at this point he mostly just drools ;)

I didn't like the end of "The Village" either, BUT it was beautifully shot. I mean thats some of these films its just the beauty of how they are put together. "Cold Creek Manor" was awesome in suspense build-up. "Lost Boys" (awesome movie about drugs) is one of my favorites. "Children of the Corn" makes me roll on the floor with laughter, c'mon be the adult :lol:

Tracy- Amen to being where you are today. Feel free to share whatever you need to. If you haven't noticed I have done some dumping :rolleyes: :^: SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE!!!!!!!! :grouphug:

Michelle- :wave: :grouphug: How's your heart?

Skippy- Making prioritizes for loving bevior is awesome :cp: You are part of all of our journey as well :love:

Kat- Amen to your affirmation. Sick of comparing my insides with others outsides. We are all unique and all the same. Applaud us for our humanity. :D

:wave: Anna, Linoleaum, CJ, Sandi, and the lurkers. We are a loving group, come join us.

Oh and how is this for a smack in the face? I go grocery shopping tonight. I have been dieting, I don't know any other life. So tonight I bought a wide variety of foods including some cookies I know my son likes. Well I just don't buy that stuff unless I am planning to binge. My sons sees them and says, "These are mine" and starts to take the whole package in his room to eat tonight. I am like, "What are you doing?" You can have a few everyday. He looks at me and says, "They won't last that long" I have taught my family to binge. Eat it quick before someone else does :(

Have a great day!!!!!!!!
Chris :cool:

Well, I was all full of piss and vinegar yesterday, wasn't I? Didn't last long. Got in a fight with DH after he got home, 'cause I screwed up one of his errands - it was an honest mistake, a miscommunication - and I'm the one put out, since I'll have to go back to the bank today. But he was more than willing to make me feel like an idiot about it. Now I'm looking at that Zappos icon over there, thinking about a pair of shoes I saw....fortunately, my computer is screwed up and I can't access secure sites. So, no retail therapy for me! :devil: I do stupid **** with food and money. But usually not at the same time.

Oh, I meant to say hi to Anna Banana. I had a close friend in college we called Anner Bananer. I'm sure that's pretty common for Annas, but seeing you made me smile. I hope you stick around!!

Chris, I hear you. I understand what you're talking about. Dump it all here, we can relate.

Christy, I'm certainly not the one to give marital advice right now, but have you asked him flat out why he's disappointed in you? It does seem to me like it's totally your decision. I think my husband thinks I'm the type to never finish anything - the truth is, I talk about possibilities before I make up my mind, so it sounds like I never do what I say. I guess that's probably why he said, "Oh, God," when I mentioned that a friend of mine is going back to school in the field I'd like to study.

Hey, Vanessa - I like the unusual costumes - one year, I was a Kmart Blue light special, another year, the fruit of the loom grapes. I don't dress up any more, but it's fun to get Sarah dressed up. I asked her already if she'd like to be a fairy, she said no, she wanted to be a monster. Cool!!

I'm going to sweat out some toxins now, before I run errands. Bye all!

Hi everyone, thanks for the warm welcome. I hope that you are all having a good morning. I want to introduce myself further so you can know a little more about me...
I am 23 and I have had various EDs for a while. When I was in high school it was anorexia, but the summer after my freshman year of college I discovered bingeing and I've been on that side of the spectrum for a while. The hard-core bingeing stopped about 6 months after it started, when I replaced my ED with drug use...3 years of escaping with substances other than food. Once I graduated college, the drugs stopped, but I started bingeing again. in the 16 months since I've been out of school, I've been overeating pretty consistently, with 2-week periods of eating normally interspersed throughout. My weight stays pretty much the same because I work out a lot, but sometimes I feel myself getting into the purging-with-exercise mindset--which, as we all know, only fuels bingeing and/or restricting.
anyhow other than that, some info about me:
I live in NYC. I just moved to a new apartment, a studio--my own place. I am very excited about that. I used to live with a roommate, who I loved, but I hated living with her. THe only thing is that her presence stopped me overeating a lot of times. Now that I live alone there's no accountability, no one to see me go to the kitchen, no one to see the weird things I eat because there are no traditional bingeing foods left in the house. I think that living by myself has triggered a new phase of bingeing.
Anyhow, moving on. I have a boyfriend who knows about my ED but not its full extent (he doesn't know that I still binge). He's pretty supportive though. One thing that I love/hate is that he doesn't want me to lose weight. I love it because it makes me feel more secure in my body, but I hate it because I feel as though he is subconsciously holding me back from losing weight.
I like all the things one typically likes, music, movies, art. I really like working out. My boyfriend and I like to go for long walks in Manhattan, typically we will walk 120 blocks on a Sunday, just walking around taking in all the neighborhoods and the buildings and people.
I can't think of what else to put here, but I've taken up enough space already and I am, after all, at work--so maybe I should get to that.

oh, but before I go...
Chris, thank you for your welcome. I've seen you around 3FC a lot and I have so much respect for you!
Tracy--I've been Anna Banana my whole life, and in college it got shortened to "Banana." It got so bad that I started reacting to any mention of the word, whether someone was talking about the fruit, or something crazy ("that's bananas") or me. Now I'm back to Anna, mostly, but I'm still partial to Anna Banana!
Christy--if you don't believe the department's program is right for you, please don't feel bad letting go!! Grad school requires time, energy, hard work and sacrifice, and it's not worth it if you don't believe in your cause, you know? Devote yourself to something you believe in!
Michelle, I am sorry about the little girl Allison. My condolences to you and to her family.
To everyone else, Kat, Vanessa, Skippy, Janelle-- Have a good day! hope to see you around later...

--anna

Hi again, Anna! Thank you for sharing so much info. We're a great group, if I do say so myself.

Well, folks, here's my dump for the day: I don't think my marriage is going to last. We're not sharing our lives, and it's breaking my heart. I really wanted to be with someone I could enjoy life with, and DH isn't wired to do that. I'm going to work on him again about going to therapy. And I think I'll talk to my mom about it, so it's not such a shock if I show up on her doorstep. I just refuse to be miserable for the rest of my life because of our vow.

Okay, as usual when I get upset, I have to eat or clean something (or buy something). So I'm going to clean.

If you have ANYTHING to say, chime in. I don't care what it is, I could use perspective.

Tracy, sweetheart. Though I'm not married nor do I have a boyfriend, the one thing I can truly agree on is that every person deserves to be happy, and that includes you! We live this life only once and it's not slowing down for any of us. It's not healthy for both of you to be in a relationship where there isn't love 100% of the time. And it can't be 60/40 or 70/30.. It's 50/50. Girl, go with your heart and what you truly feel. Yeah, you might have took a vow to love and to hold until eternity, but our HP knows that sometimes things don't work out. He would rather you be totally and truly happy on this earth than miserable every single day. If you think your missing out on love and all of it's qualities, and your not getting your share of it, then your heart will truly speak! It happens...people just dont' connect and things change. Don't let life and love pass you by each day.
Christy-Go with your passion honey. That's what life is all about... living and breathing our passion. We will get the fullest benefits of life when we truly do what our heart desires.
Chris-I'm also afraid of taking that step forward too. To surrender and leave everything behind.. It's like I want to keep my training wheels on forever, too afraid to stand up w/o them! But your right.... we're wasting too much of our lives trying to know how to fix it, rather than just live it. And that is scary. (In jr. high and high school, my nickname was "Isaac" b/c when I had my hair really short, I SO looked like Isaac from Children of the Corn!! We could have passed for twins! We had our own COTC group! Gosh, those were the days. I'm excited to see what movie is next for M.Night Shylaman, I believe he can take anything to a different level.
Anna-You can always share anything with us! I'm a recovering anorexic with my lowest weight of 76pds. I'm a restrictor big time with OCD and dysmthia. I work as a substance abuse therapist at a methadone clinic. I commend you for recovering! I know it's very hard. The biggest thing is that we have to somehow let it all go and just love ourselves.
Jennelle-Hey gal! I hope your doing ok, I'm glad you posted to let us know your still hanging in there! My thoughts are with you!
Michelle, Skippy, CeeJay, Linoleum, Sandi, Kat.. We are here for you guys!!
Love and Peace
Vanessa

Well...DUH! Thanks, Jennelle! I didn't even begin to make the connection between my stupid s&*t episode and my DH's disappointment over grad school. How thick am I? LOL That makes much more sense than fatigue...although maybe we can blame my trouble making that leap on being brain tired? Worth a try!

Tracey -- So sorry things aren't going well with your DH. It can be tough, I know. You sound a lot like me: eat, shop, or clean! I choose cleaning a lot, too. Although shopping is right up there. LOL You're right about refusing to be miserable. My sister is going through some real crap with her husband right now. He's been unfaithful and really ugly about it after she tried to forgive him and make things work. I know it's her decision, but I'm really hoping that she, too, will get tired enough of being miserable that she takes some action. Hugs to you!

anna -- Your description of you and your life sounds so cool to this small town (reeeally small town!) girl! Glad you've joined us!

Chris -- I love to read your posts! After dealing with third graders all day, it's nice to read something intellectually stimulating. You always make me think, ya know? I hear you on teaching your family to binge. My oldest DD will hoard food, too.


Vanessa -- You speak very wisely for someone unmarried and currently boyfriendless! You should do well when the right guy comes along!

I'm afraid my diatribe yesterday made my husband sound like an ogre. He isn't. He's disappointed because he knows I *could* do this and doesn't want me to waste my potential. He takes a certain amount of pride in telling people what I do and enjoyed telling people I was in grad school. Silly, I guess, but I know he means well. We are both so set in our ways that even after 15 years we bump heads and the sparks fly! It's odd how it is one of the things that I hate most and love most about our marriage. I know...I'm a sick puppy.

Hello to skippy, linoleum, Michelle, and Kat! Hope you're doing okay ceejay!

Well, I need to go and prepare for my looong day tomorrow. I have a first year teacher observing me and my class all day and I only have one break. On top of that I have lunch duty and bus duty, too. It's going to be a tough one! Think of me!

Love and hugs,
Christy

(((((((((((((Tracy))))))))))))))))))))) I don't know whats best for you, but I do know what is working for me currently. I was getting really sick of DH, all the neediness, all the I wasn't being or doing what he wanted (at least it feels that way). I called my Mom and she said, "Is he beating you? Is he acting completely finacially irresponsible? Is he verbally abusing you? Is he making you so miserable you want to hurt yourself? Is he being a bad father?" Finacially irresponsible, yeah, but so am I. So we talked about my part. And you know I have been applying the ODAT concept and surrendering him. I do what I need to do to be healthy and I am letting his BS be his. If he wants to yell at you for not doing an errand he could have done, whats his part? Let him own it. We have a tendency in our perfection to take on others ****. None of us deserve that. So it may sound selfish, but I put me and my recovery first, then taking care of my son, and if he decides to particpate good for him. For today we are okay, just for today I am staying, just for today God can have him. I am owning my part.

Christy- Look at you grow girl, you vent and then you think. Sometimes the venting part is just what we need. Thats why we are here to listen. Most of us just want to be heard in our emotional crap so let it out girl, let's quit stuffing it down with food. Your part :grouphug:

I hope I don't sound like a know it all on my :soapbox: This is just my experience right now. Tommorow I happily will rave at you about what an ******* he is ;)

Vanessa- I love that, go with your passion! Substance abuse conselor, wow big job. I was doing some research last night, I think everyone here knows I dabbled with cocaine and amphetemines. Come to find out I was probably self medicating. Getting use to my new meds is a real *****, but they effect the same nerutransmitters that I was trying in my blind way to take care of before. Bullimics have low levels of serotonin and norepinephrine. Whew. Thanks for being here Vanessa your recovery is a beautiful thing girl!!!!

OMG has anyone here had hot flashes yet? The meds have given me them. I got my AC down at 65 and all the fans on in my house. I hate to see my electric bill, but I have had to change my shirt every couple of hours from sweating. Freaking miserable I tell you.

Anna- We always have to replace one addiction for another. When I was going through my little bout of anorexia, cocaine really took my mind off the fact I was starving :lol: I am so glad to have you here, and look forward to getting to know you better. I like to workout too, but for today I am taking a little break to see how Chris would excercise vs. the way Chris has been taught to excercise if that makes sense.

:wave: everyone!
I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!! Be where you are today, and know that you are not alone.

:grouphug:
Chris

Hi ladies
Yes I'm back. I honestly walked downstairs today and have been on the computer for awhile.

My foot surgery went well. and today I thank God for Valium and pain pills. I had a lot of muscle spasms last week. and all I was allowed to do by the doc was sit with ice packs on my foot for 2 hours and off for one hour. Went back for an appointment today and asked for a walking cast, but guess what he told me to start putting my full weight on this foot and I have today.

Anna, welcome to our support group

Hi to all the rest. I'll try and come back tomorrow but right now it's time for me to go back upstairs. My aunt should be home soon. They have honestly waited on me hand and foot this week. Need some more pain med's. No I'm not hooked on them--Just wouldn't pass a drug test if I had to have one.

Love

Hi Anna! I don't think I remember reading your post. I'm such a spaz sometimes. :eek:

I've been thinking about WLS again. It's that whole "quick fix" thing coming back. You know, wake up and be 100 lbs. lighter! :rofl: Don't worry - I wouldn't REALLY do it. First of all, I'm not fat enough so that my insurance would pay it. Second, the thought of deep anethesia terrifies me. I had to have it once when I had a wisdom tooth pulled, and the dental surgeon said I fought him like **** before it took effect.

I have a ton of work to do (Christy knows! :) ) so I will be back later to post.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives. That's what I really need right now - a view from outside of my head. It's like I'm not sure if I'm flaking out because this is hard, or if I really have a serious gripe. That's why I so want to go to therapy, but DH is against it. He thinks our vow should be enough to keep us together. Which to me translates as him not wanting to fight for us.

Yesterday, a piece of stereo equipment he bought on eBay arrived, and he went to work checking it out immediately. At some point, I had to get the baby down for a nap, which meant DD was alone watching TV. He took the preamp upstairs to his den (which should be a bedroom for a kid, but we can get to that later) and she followed him, wanting attention. She went in his room and he actually yelled "Get out!" at her. She disintegrated right there, bawling. Matthew wasn't asleep yet, so I went and got her, and we made popcorn and watched Veggie Tales together, so she could get the attention she needed, and hopefully forget about her father's rejection.

My friends are amazed when I say that I'm the one who gets both kids bathed and to bed each night, and that Chip has only been with us to the park on one occasion in their entire lives. He doesn't have the inclination to do stuff like that, and won't sacrifice his time for them. I don't know if this is really a defective father we're dealing with, or if I'm a 50's mom.

If it were a case of physical abuse or infidelity, that'd make it easy for me. I know he would never cheat on me or hit me, but it's because it would be an offense to God, not because he loves me so much and would never do anything to hurt me. I guess that's a good enough reason, but it isn't very romantic. He says he loves me and needs me all the time, but he doesn't show much of an interest in me, doesn't care about my thoughts, so I don't feel special.

When he's home, I tend to feel better about things. Just like Christy said, he isn't a complete ogre, and can be sweet - but there are lots of negatives as well. I still love him as a person. But I don't like our life together.

And that ends my dump for the day. I'm a gonna lift all that up to God now, and go sweat a little.

Ya'll, my baby is so cute. He's just starting to walk, and it's that Frankenstein-looking stagger - hilarious!!

CeeJay - I'm so glad your surgery was successful. Best wishes for a fast recovery!

Chris - I hope you don't feel the need to rant about what as ******* your DH is anytime soon!! Thank you for the insight.

Vanessa, Christy, Jennelle - thanks for your words of support. It means SO much.

wow tracy, I don't know what to say. Do what's best for you. While having two parents, in some circumstances, is preferable, sometimes having two parents who don't get along is not worth it. Your kids need you to be the best mom you can be, and if you are unhappy, that will be much harder. So the best thing for you, and for them, is for you to follow your heart and make sure you are making yourself happy.
This must be such a difficult time for you. Please take care of yourself!

Hey girls! How is everyone? I"m doing ok, waiting for this thunderstorm and baking some banana nut muffins for my supervisor(OK, i'm a suck up!). My supervisor also had an ED so we talk sometimes about our experiences and she gives me comfort when she see's that I'm struggling. I'm going to see Supersize Me tommorow night, anyone seen it?? I don't have too many plans for the weekend, except sleeping past 4am!! What is everyone else's plans?
Chris-Super Kudos for recovering! It's very hard to recover from any type of drug, you have to completely commit yourself to a new and positive lifestyle. I've lived in solitude my whole life, so having 60+ patients who have a 10+ drug probem was a shock! It's amazing how the mind works when your addicted and how you can alter your receptors. Be proud of what you have accomplished! :)
Tracy-You deserve to be truly happy...with love and life. You have to ask yourself are you truly in love with him? Though it's good to have differences, those differences shouldn't make you unhappy. Go with your heart ddde, and the sun is always shining!
Skippy-Beauitful poem!! I also like your signature too!
Christy-How was your day??? I know you said it was going to be very long. It's hard sometimes to give my friends advice b/c most of the time, I'm giving advice to my patients and it's all drug related! LOL I hope your doing well and resting, I'm sending my good vibes to you!
Ceejay-I'm glad your doing well! Get well soon!
Hey to Michelle, Linoleum, sandi, Anna, Jennelle, Kat... My thoughts are with you tonight! Sweet dreams and god bless!
Vanessa

Day off
 

Hi all,

I have today off. Just bumming around, nothing special going on.

Tracy: I am so sorry about your marital issues. If he thinks hitting his wife and cheating on her is an offense to god, then he should add being emotionally detached to his wife and kids in there. :( I think it is great you want to go to therapy - I hope he comes to his senses about that. Have you spoken to him about ending the marriage? I'm sorry I don't have any real advice. It sounds to me you are willing to fight but I'm not so sure about him. Is it possible that he is depressed?

:grouphug:

Vanessa, Enjoy the movie! I haven't seen it but my friends have enjoyed it.

Jennelle, I personally feel WLS should be a rare occurrence. But it's up to you and your HP.

:wave: to everyone else. :cool:

So I am doing pretty well. I changed my work schedule to get in morning f2f meetings during the week. I used to go to 5 f2f meetings a week a year ago and slowly let work, etc... get in the way. After losing my MIL, my program became even weaker. I was on the brink of losing my abstinence. So, it was either that or strengthen my program. So here I am, working it. ;)

I get a bit confused where everyone is in their program (or if they have even joined OA). So, have you? Do you have a sponsor? Work the steps? Go to meetings?

Have a good evening, all. :)

Hey guys! My day turned out to be okay after all! My observer didn't show. We were able to do recess outside and bus duty was over early because the third graders we have left ride the earlier buses. Plus I got the best compliment I've received from a parent in awhile. The mother of one of my high maintenance children was in our room for a bit today while I was getting the kids settled back in and ready to work on a project. After watching and listening for a few minutes, she told me "Wow. You are so patient. No wonder (child's name) loves you so much." THAT really made my day. It's nice to be appreciated!

Tracey -- You are really facing some tough decisions. I have no advice, but I just want to assure you, like everyone else has, that we'll be your sounding board whenever you need it. Prayers for you right now!


ceejay -- Glad you're recovering so well! Enjoy this time off!

Jennelle -- Anesthesia freaks me out, too. The fact that they can put you so far under that you feel no pain, have no recollection of it, lose all sense of time and THEN they can bring you back out of it?!? Freaky! Another vote against WLS here. My best friend who had it done has been sick ever since. Yeah, she's lost weight, but she'll tell you herself that it wasn't worth it. I know what you mean about it passing through your mind though. I've pondered the appeal of it myself before, but my inner chicken always wins in the end.

skippy -- Glad to see you back around! Are the kiddos getting into the swing of things with school? How about you?

Chris -- Thanks for the affirmation. Somedays I feel like such a grownup and others...eh, not so much! I know you can relate to that. (I'm remembering some things about a bouncy exercise ball and a hula hoop...LOL) How's work treating you right now? What is the countdown until that extended time off?

Vanessa -- Are you bracing for hurricane leftovers? We already have flood watches and wind advisories posted. Possibility of early dismissal or maybe even no school tomorrow.

Kat -- I have lots of OA material and attend online meetings infrequently. I kind of pulled back for awhile after losing two sponsors and feeling like a nuisance that no one wanted to fool with. I'm over it (I think?!?), but not ready to seek out another sponsor yet. There aren't a lot of f2f meetings in my area and, frankly, I'm probably still too self conscious to attend if there were. As if someone my size could somehow keep people from knowing I have a problem with food just by NOT attending OA meetings. Sheesh...

Good Lord, I have to stop writing a novel every time I come here! I'll bet you could never guess I'm one of those total disclosure type people, huh?

Backing away from the keyboard to give your eyes a rest,
Christy