Hello everyone,
I have come across this website many times over the last 9+ years and I have finally joined. I really need a place to open up and discuss how I am feeling with people who are perhaps in the same boat.
As posted in the title I am 5'4 and 180lbs. I am closer to 200lbs than 100lbs and I can't believe I have let myself go so far. It's amazing how the pounds just add up over the years. My most comfortable weight was 135lbs 6 years ago, with my average body weight my whole life being 140lbs. I would give anything to get back to that number. I had lived with eating disorders for 11 years now, binge eating disorder, bulimia and cases of restrictive eating that have left my metabolism in ruins. I no longer suffer severely from these issues and have gained some strength over them. I am trying to develop a healthy relationship with food and I am making progress although it is slow, though I suppose it will take time to undo all those years of damage to not only my body but my mind as well.
I have had an extremely rough week after watching an Australian documentary about obesity, it completely destroyed me and triggered a lot of my past issues. I get so sick and obsessed over my weight and body that I am now starting to develop symptoms of anxiety and depression over it. I can't handle walking in public because I am ashamed of myself, I feel judgement everywhere although I think it is my self-judgement I am just projecting. I feel broken, isolated, hopeless and disgusting.
I have been strength training 3x/week for over 5 months and have made major accomplishments in this area. I can bench 65lbs, deadlift 110lbs and squat 115lbs. I am proud of this and happy to say that my body is strong but it isn't enough. I want to lose more fat but I can never get control of my diet. I lost about 5 inches in 3 months but gained 3 of them back in only a month getting off track with my eating. I feel so discouraged that it takes so little for my body to become what it feels like it was destined to be, fat and disgusting. I have been living with these horrible feelings for the last 7+ days and I am fearful that the depression and anxiety i suffered from in my teenage years due to poor body image is coming back.
I am ashamed to talk about this with friends, and family doesn't understand. I really needed somewhere to talk about this so thank you for reading.