[Pinkhippie]

Originally Posted by nostoneunturned

Here's my second major challenge after finals - daughters birthday, with three celebrations! Tonight we had cupcakes. I ate two. Obviously my calories were a lot higher (maybe 2400? I didn't really plan on it, but I had lunch out today too. Typically eat around 1200 -1500, depending on hunger level). My week was great though overall as far as maintaining my plan. On Saturday we have two parties but I plan to eat very mindfully.

This morning I couldn't help but step on the scale again. Still 177

Congratulations!
Last month we had FOUR birthdays spread out over the month and one of them was my own. (the others were my husband and two of my daughters) I enjoyed cake and cupcakes, I just made sure to eat them when I was hungry and with a bit of protein to balance sugar light headedness. I ended up throwing a cake away because it got old and stale. When I let myself have cake without restriction, it wasn't so imperative to wolf it all down. And cake has been my overeating nemesis for a long time.

[nostoneunturned]

Thanks Mrs. Snark and Pinkhippie!!

Last month we had FOUR birthdays spread out over the month and one of them was my own. (the others were my husband and two of my daughters) I enjoyed cake and cupcakes, I just made sure to eat them when I was hungry and with a bit of protein to balance sugar light headedness. I ended up throwing a cake away because it got old and stale. When I let myself have cake without restriction, it wasn't so imperative to wolf it all down. And cake has been my overeating nemesis for a long time.

OMG I feel for you!! Four situations would be quite tough, for sure!! But good on you for staying committed to your plan and your health. And the protein is a really, really great idea. Cakes have always been one of those foods that "call" to me too. I had none today but will have some tomorrow since there are two parties to attend. Thankfully one party we will be having cupcakes which makes it easier to stop at one (and control the portion). The other party will be tougher- it's my mom's, which is like the Binge Cave to me LOL. Well the last couple of times were fine. I know she is getting an ice cream cake though so that's going to be a definite challenge!!

Despite all this I do not feel too anxious as I would in the past. I have no plan to outright avoid anything but will stick to one small portion of any unhealthy things and like Pinkhippie said eat plenty of protein to keep my hunger in check. I'm committed to not binging so I will do it!

[nostoneunturned]

Well I am not overly pleased with how I ate this weekend, but I did have a good time for the most part. Because it has been sticky and humid I have been battling a migraine on and off. In summary, I did not binge but I did overeat, to the point I KNEW I was not hungry yet did anyway. I ate quite a lot of cake on Saturday, my only reasoning was it was SO GOOD. LOL. I was really stuffed to the point of feeling nauseous Saturday night/Sunday morning (acid reflux even). Ugh. So maybe that does count as a binge? I didn't feel out of control though, just ate a piece of cake after dinner, then another a little while later, then a bigger one just before I left for the night. The next day I had that migraine pretty much all day so I wasn't inclined to eat as much anyways but I did not eat well. Then today, I started off okay but with the headache still made some poor choices. I don't feel the best physically, because of the weather, and because of the food choices I've made. But tomorrow is a new day -so, onward I go.

[nostoneunturned]

Good lord help me. I am feeling so off the ball right now. I have not had a binge still but have been overeating per my plan and my hunger needs. Today for example. I ate a cup of applesauce for breakfast, I wasn't hungry since I ate too much yesterday. Then for lunch I ate Italian fast food- very greasy fast food. Normally I would have stopped there, but I got home and felt like eating despite not at all being hungry.

I tried to put it off by calling a friend and window shopping online but eventually I gave in and ate some string cheese. I figured my calories were about 1500 or so and felt relieved. But! Then I ate a box of low cal treats (totaling 540 calories) and while it's not astronomical I so, so want to binge. Like hardcore, pizza and cookies and deep fried food and the whole gambit. I feel sick and sad. Not physically sick, but just heartsick that I am turning to these behaviors.

I think I know where the feelings are stemming from. With my migraines this past weekend I did not take my Anti-depressant for a couple of days (did today though) which apparently has a huge effect on my urges, moreso than I realized. I also have been eating more junk over the b-day/holiday weekend leading to cravings.

But inside I am suffering turmoil of the heartache sort. Strangely, lately I have been missing my ex BF so much. It's peculiar particularly because my initial feeling was relief and I felt mostly okay with the BU for the first weeks (happened in late March). But it's worsening with time, I guess as I stumble over the holes in my life I didn't even know he had once filled. Everything is reminding me of him. Everything. I saw the word "lobster" earlier and remembered the time we went to the East coast and ate at this fantastic seafood restaurant. I mean, it's just stupid things but I am frustrated how this sudden wave of missing him has struck me and it's practically toppling me. He's in my mind all the time. Hopefully with my move coming up next month and (fingers crossed) a possible exciting opportunity I will be distracted but even with the busyness of last weekend I continue to feel weighted down by memories. Why is he haunting me so much lately? Has it just become more real with time? Is it the change in weather, we have never once spent this month apart so the turn of season to summer with it's associated scents and sights may be reviving lost good times..? The other night I stepped outside and the air felt spectacular, yet it made me melancholy deep down. I think of all the walks we took in the dark, smelling lilac bushes and the like. This is verging on cloyingly ridiculous, I need to stop, I want him to go away for forever but I guess I just have to be patient...give it time, as awful as that sounds. At least typing all this out is taking away the binge urge. At least there's that.

[Pinkhippie]

Im glad typing it out helped you. I discover that I mindlessly eat the most when there is an emotion I Really really don't want to feel. Either because it seems like an unacceptable emotion to me or its so strong I have fear to feel it.

It is so good that you are aware that you are sad and missing your ex bf. Im sorry you are feeling sad. Here is an an internet hug from someone who has been there. ((hugs))

Try to soothe yourself and comfort yourself in a way that truly meets your needs if you can. It sounds like writing helped you. I hope you feel better tommorow. And please be gentle with yourself if you do continue to eat. Just being aware that you are eating for emotional reasons can help the next time and being compassionate with yourself versus the feeling guilty like you have blown it and you suck feeling will often quell the binge urge as well. No need to punish yourself with more food when you are not hungry.

[nostoneunturned]

Here is an an internet hug from someone who has been there. ((hugs))

Thank you, thank you. This means a lot to me.

The last few days have been super tough, but fortunately I did refrain from binging. Boy was it hard there for awhile. I ate poorly and too much, for sure. But I didn't order that pizza, or a box of cookies, or a big bag of candy. Whew. Today I felt only slightly binge-y at work but I stayed on track (I resumed my eating plan too).

Writing really did help me last night. I went from feeling "I AM going to binge, it WILL happen, I NEED to" to "Naaaah...never mind." But that feeling is so scary. I wish I didn't have this problem to contend with but it's really a day by day thing, and that is the other thing that really helped me- remembering that one day (or weekend as in my case) will not ruin everything, and there's no reason to throw in the towel over extra calories that really, couldn't have possibly added up to too many pounds of actual fat, if even one. My appetite is very reduced and my stomach's holding capacity is as well. What I ate Saturday (the worst of the days) would have been like nothing in the past; I would likely have added more just because I was already on that track. But now my stomach gets too full, and I am more sensitive to feeling full- like a little bit bothers me much more.

Well, again I truly thank you for your kind and caring thoughts, Pinkhippie. I am back on track today, hopefully to stay. As a side note, as you mentioned soothing and self-care, I really need to start exercising daily. Now that school is done I no longer have those walking minutes in my day (or the dreaded stairway of doom, hehe) so that won't help matters much either. But I feel positive!

[Pattience]

There's a lot of good thinking style in your last post no stone. And your thought about putting him out of your mind is also good.

I have found when i get pained about someone, that the best way for me to deal with it is to push the desire type thoughts right out. Before i did that, i was feeling lots of emotions which were negatively affecting my behaviours. But when i made the decision to push the guy out of mind ( i know its a bit harder for you as you had along term relationship) it really helped.

Also your other analysis about why you felt you needed to eat badly sounds fairly likely. The migraines and not taking your meds.

When stuff like that happens, you have to be kind to yourself. Keep trying. You will prevail. And keep doing the things you know you need to do like taking your meds.

In the last few days i have been feeling pretty off too. I know what's casued it but i think i am so far in to my new style of eating now that i'm not going to cave. However, other areas of my life where i haven't been quite so solid are taking the fall.

There will always be these tough mood situations. And we need to keep on working with other solutions to dealing with them than food. I know you can get there if you can keep bouncing back after a little episode of regrettable eating. Build your mental strength around this and a history of small successes at resisting and you will pull through well in the long run.

There will always be challenges. We have to expect them. Tehre might be setbacks too and then its a question of damage minimisation and not giving up entirely. So keep strong. Hugs.

[Pinkhippie]

Originally Posted by nostoneunturned

Thank you, thank you. This means a lot to me.

The last few days have been super tough, but fortunately I did refrain from binging. Boy was it hard there for awhile. I ate poorly and too much, for sure. But I didn't order that pizza, or a box of cookies, or a big bag of candy. Whew. Today I felt only slightly binge-y at work but I stayed on track (I resumed my eating plan too).

Writing really did help me last night. I went from feeling "I AM going to binge, it WILL happen, I NEED to" to "Naaaah...never mind." But that feeling is so scary. I wish I didn't have this problem to contend with but it's really a day by day thing, and that is the other thing that really helped me- remembering that one day (or weekend as in my case) will not ruin everything, and there's no reason to throw in the towel over extra calories that really, couldn't have possibly added up to too many pounds of actual fat, if even one. My appetite is very reduced and my stomach's holding capacity is as well. What I ate Saturday (the worst of the days) would have been like nothing in the past; I would likely have added more just because I was already on that track. But now my stomach gets too full, and I am more sensitive to feeling full- like a little bit bothers me much more.

Well, again I truly thank you for your kind and caring thoughts, Pinkhippie. I am back on track today, hopefully to stay. As a side note, as you mentioned soothing and self-care, I really need to start exercising daily. Now that school is done I no longer have those walking minutes in my day (or the dreaded stairway of doom, hehe) so that won't help matters much either. But I feel positive!

I am glad my words could help a little bit. I think exercise to take care of yourself is a great idea, especially since you are feeling sad. Endorphins from exercise really make me feel better. They key to exercise for me is to not worry about calorie burn or anything like that, and just do something that I enjoy that isn't so hard that I dread doing it again any time soon.

Im glad you feel positive! You are doing great on this journey. It sounds like you are being aware and learning a lot.

[nostoneunturned]

When stuff like that happens, you have to be kind to yourself. Keep trying. You will prevail.

There will always be challenges. We have to expect them. Tehre might be setbacks too and then its a question of damage minimisation and not giving up entirely. So keep strong. Hugs.

Awww thanks to you Pattience! Yes this is the challenge I feared, that I could not win. I feel like I'm losing in some ways because I feel that familiar sliding feeling. Unfortunately today was another not good day, emotionally and eating wise, despite yesterday going well. Once again I met my daily goal, fine, but danced around a nasty headache all day. Once I got home from work I laid down for awhile but I was thinking of very negative things, not relaxing. I decided to eat some stuff (chex mix) to see if that would help my headache. It didn't, really, so I took some meds and had a hot shower (which I should have done in the first place -facepalm).

THEN I realized I had to make a run into town (I live about 20 minutes outside of the biggest "city") and do something important. While there my daughter wanted something to eat so guess what. We went through the drive through. I ate another 500 calories. SO all told probably about 2500 calories, when I was perfectly fulfilled at 1300. GROAN.

Im glad you feel positive! You are doing great on this journey. It sounds like you are being aware and learning a lot.

Thank you , I wish I felt like I was doing great! I am truly learning and being more self aware than ever. My perfectionism demands that this translates to amazing results, pronto, though! I wonder if I need to tweak something since this is not working for me right now. Or if I just need to work harder at defeating my weak areas- times when I physically feel not on top of things, more likely to make junky choices and then getting into the self-perpetuated cycle of cravings. We'll see what the weekend brings. I need to clean and get more stuff packed and generally prepare for moving at the end of June. Wow it is coming fast.

I truly appreciate all the support, guys, really!! I am working my way through this one day at a time, and your encouragement keeps me going too. This past week has been very hard, but maybe next week will be easy again! I can hope

[Pattience]

keep on being kind to yourself. I think when you are struggling emotionally, its better to eat more but make sure its quality nutritious food. That way you might eat more than your allowance but you won't eat as much as if you were trying to restrict yourself.

And otherwise keep trying to distract from food. Keeping busy works.

e.g. maybe in the situation of your daughter being hungry, don't go to a drive through. Go somewhere where she can run in and get food for herself while you wait in the car. Or if its possible ask her to wait until you get home.

And meanwhile carry food such as fruit or sandwiches with you in the car.

I'm feeling really crap today myself. I just can't motivate myself which in avoiding my work makes me feel even worse i know. But i'm not going to have any crap food! I've come too far. I'll just have more fruit salad or something yummy like that with not so many calories. I can't binge on fruit salad.

[Mrs Snark]

Nostone - You have alot going on in your head, as I do. I am sometimes overwhelmed by my own "inner monologue" analyzing every little thing that is happening -- why did I do that, what does it mean, who am I, how many calories in cupcakes, what time is it (ha) -- it is sometimes just too much.

Self-awareness and self-analysis is grand, but sometimes we can get mired down in it like quicksand. Take some time for your mind to be peacefully empty, it can be really helpful. You could tell yourself "I am going to put all my thoughts into a box for this evening, I'll take them out again tomorrow, but for now I am just going to BE." Then totally relax -- no judging or analyzing or planning the future or counting up calories or reviewing progress or whatever.

Sounds so new age hippy-dippy doesn't it? And I am not that kind of person, really. But some zen time has been really helpful to me, particularly with managing my binge-eating.

So I though I would mention it to you as well! Sending you hugs!

[Pinkhippie]

Originally Posted by Mrs Snark

Nostone - You have alot going on in your head, as I do. I am sometimes overwhelmed by my own "inner monologue" analyzing every little thing that is happening -- why did I do that, what does it mean, who am I, how many calories in cupcakes, what time is it (ha) -- it is sometimes just too much.

Self-awareness and self-analysis is grand, but sometimes we can get mired down in it like quicksand. Take some time for your mind to be peacefully empty, it can be really helpful. You could tell yourself "I am going to put all my thoughts into a box for this evening, I'll take them out again tomorrow, but for now I am just going to BE." Then totally relax -- no judging or analyzing or planning the future or counting up calories or reviewing progress or whatever.

Sounds so new age hippy-dippy doesn't it? And I am not that kind of person, really. But some zen time has been really helpful to me, particularly with managing my binge-eating.

So I though I would mention it to you as well! Sending you hugs!

I agree with this too. I think there is a place for both and I often go "on hiatus". Where I stop analyzing and journaling and trying to figure it all out because I need a break! Then I can come back refreshed. I hope you are doing ok.

[nostoneunturned]

You guys are so, so great . I am extremely touched. I have to get it together. Today was fine. I had an interview that I was very excited about but during it I realized the position wasn't going to work for me (nutshell- it's temporary with no guarantee of becoming perm., not worth it to leave my current job even though this position is way more pertinent to my field of education, also it won't really work with my school schedule as well...sigh). I was really disappointed afterwards, down & blue and still battling a smallish dumb-butt headache! But I went home and laid on the deck and got some sun, while reading a chic lit book and didn't even think about the negatives. I know, I know, sunning is terrible but it's so relaxing and a bit of tan makes me feel prettier.

I didn't overeat though! I admittedly want to, honestly. I wanted a pizza so bad for awhile there, it was dicey. I took a nap this evening instead and have been chilling in my room far from the kitchen (although it's hardly stocked; I must get groceries this weekend - healthy ones!). My daughter has been playing with her friend so I've been alone, which has been bringing me down but tonight for some reason it feels nice.

I keep telling myself, if I were back into dating I'd be full of nerves and anxiety. Dating can be exciting but it is too stressful. Even if- especially if - you like the guy, it's all wondering, considering, analyzing. At least for me! Hey. I think the next time I do the dating thing (I'd like to wait a bit yet, emotionally but physically too, want to lose a few more) I will be much more casual. None of this, looking for my husband NOW stuff. It gets super intense and that's not how it should be! Have fun, go with the flow, but mostly- just have fun. And quit making men out to be terrifying cretins who want nothing more than to crack my heart into bits (joking! mostly).

Thanks again for all the e-hugs, y'all! I feel sort of weak yet but I'm not going to lie, it's nice to get those supportive messages. I'm hearing what you all say too- I need to step back, and chill, and "just BE" (for a second when I saw that I was thinking "binge eat? really?!" LOL goes to show where my mind is at). ZEN sounds like a good thing to work for. I will continue to journal 'cause it helps just to write. But the other stuff, yeah, I am going to take a breather and go with the flow and enjoy life.

(To Pattience, I hope your day/night has gotten better! Good job not reaching for the junks )

[Pattience]

No stone, yes meditating is an excellent thing to do and by the sound of the headaches, it might serve you well to learn some basics.

The zen thing is being in the present moment. Focus on what's right in front of you and let go all the analysis type mental activity.

You shouldn't be having lots of headaches. Its probably due to tension. If not, then i'd get them checked out. Can you recognise if you carry a lot of tension. Are you a worrier? Intense about most things most of the time? If so, then you should learn to let go and learn some relaxation techniques. Yoga and tai chi would probably be very helpful too.

A lot of people call tension headaches migraines but they are not true migraines. They are caused somewhat by stress and holding your body tightly, usually without any actual awareness. There is a body scanning technique in meditation which will teach your body awareness and relaxation. You can also get the same benefit from learning yoga and probably tai chi.

You can also get headaches from being dehydrated, too much coffee and or cigarettes.

If its none of these things, then you really should see a doctor about them.

As for me, my day did get a little better. And food wise what i did was excellent. After i saw the doctor, i went towards the supermarket and on seeing the butcher, i spontaneously decided to treat myself with some lamb loin chops. Trying to be vegetarian, i almost never eat these chops but i do love them. In fact, i like meat so my vegetarian lifestyle is deprivation. Though mostly its not hard.

Along with the chops (3), i also had a lot of broccoli, carrots, all steamed and then smothered in a garlic flavoured yoghurt sauce i made (basically yoghurt and garlic) and sautéed mushrooms. It was a big plate ful. At the supermarket i also bought some stone baked turkish bread, though its nothing like the turkish bread i ever ate in turkey. I thought that would be rather overdosing on calories for the night but i ate two slices of that with no butter as well. I used the bread to mop up the excess yoghurt.

It was the most yummy dinner and i felt i did the right thing.

This morning, after a week of the scale being up a bit, it was down to my lowest number again! Now that was not expected and i'm not going to say it means anything much but how nice.

So yes, today i am still on schedule with food but also still procrastinating a bit with my work. I will do some light stuff this arvo.

its good to keep journaling. I think it helps keep you focussed and you can learn from it.

[nostoneunturned]

You shouldn't be having lots of headaches. Its probably due to tension. If not, then i'd get them checked out. Can you recognise if you carry a lot of tension. Are you a worrier? Intense about most things most of the time? If so, then you should learn to let go and learn some relaxation techniques. Yoga and tai chi would probably be very helpful too.

I am a Worrier by any other name . I woke up this morning and couldn't believe that I had yet another headache. Truly you're right, I am susceptible to migraines but these have been different. I mean I can function through them for the most part, it's just this constant pressure and stuffy feeling in my temples- not a throb behind one eye, like a migraine. So you are on to something Pattience. My doctor is aware of these and we've discussed medicinal interventions but for the most part I just live with them, since I don't want to add another drug to my cocktail LOL. I take an Excendrine type drug that almost always alleviates the pain, in any case. Right now the weather where I am has shifted quite suddenly from being cold and dry and windy to, within the past week, being suffocatingly humid and HOT. Which I love hot, but the humid not so much since it's headache triggering. Anyways, enough drone about that. Back to what this is all about.

Today I went over the edge. A binge, well, yes. I guess that's what it was. I ordered my pizza and ate the whole medium (with kind of a break in between halves, but still). I had eaten a decent bfast and lunch and then had some fro yo as a treat. I didn't feel hungry at all. But no matter what I ate, it just wasn't hitting that ping- that sweet spot, the place where only one food will satisfy. For me, it was the dang pizza.

So how do I feel. Well, unhappy of course. But not so much that I ate the pizza...it's more frustration about the compulsion I felt. I've been thinking about this stupid pizza for around a week. Most days, I've considered purchasing it- and I didn't until today. After I picked it up, even before one slice hit my lips, I felt a sense of relief. After I ate it, still- feeling relieved. Like this whole tension had been building and building and the pressure release could only occur with that pizza. That's absolutely a mental/emotional thing. I am annoyed that I have not found a way to overcome this. I mean this was not a spur of the moment, to heck with it, blowout kind of binge. This was majorly delayed-gratification, kind of controlled but still way more than a person could need. I managed to say no every day, for the past week...until today.

What have I learned from all this? I absolutely can not, should not, diet. Ever again if I can help it. See, as I drove my pizza home, I had a fleeting thought: "Oh, this will be okay, I'll start counting points on Monday." And immediately following that thought was this one: "What else can I have then right now, while I still can? Should I grab some cupcakes, too, or...?" And so forth.

Oh my G. Total light bulb moment. I could either eat my pizza and be done and move on with life, or I can decide this is it forever and go wild and eat double as many calories as I'd planned just because. Now, I have not been formally dieting. That's a part of why the dumb binge urges have bugged me so much. They shouldn't exist. They didn't exist during the heII that is finals week, so why now? Well there is the emotional stuff, career stuff, moving stuff...lots of different sources of stress, all at once. All of it makes me even more anxious about my body and more desperate for it to change quickly into a more desirable shape. I feel the beckoning of the binge-restrict cycle, again. It's coming from a place of frustration (read: lack of patience), anxiety, depression, grief. Nowhere nice.

I guess from here on out I need to remain aware of what my urges mean and how much - if at all- I should give into them. I need to just live, and let go. I need to not let external forces continue to derail me. This is my life, my party, and I only get one shot at it all