Ultimately, I do have hope that this program will allow me to break old habits and learn a new relationship with food. In the meantime, I've lost almost 20 pounds. Before anyone starts noticing and making comments, I'm hopeful to be seeing the psychologist so I don't repeat my pattern of a compliment throwing me into a binge cycle.
Thank you for posting. I have often wondered how others approach tackling the binge eating disorder. I have been suffering from/with it for as far back as I can remember. I have also faced the stress of compliments. It is odd that a compliment of all things can send a person into a binge eating episode, but it does for me as well. It seems as if the attention someone gives me, noticing things about me, will push me over the edge. I will feel very very self conscious. I battle in my mind the idea that someone is looking at me, studying me. I don't like attention, it makes me nervous and ashamed. I have an automatic response of analyzing every single thing said to me about myself. I take a compliment and twist it, sickly, into something else, seem to take an inventory about myself and think what they really meant to say was something else (negative). Sometimes, words do not even have to be expressed for me to "punish" myself emotionally.
I was working on a project at work a few weeks ago. I had worked for a week on this project and was extremely nervous when I turned it in. The day I turned it in my boss seemed to be angry, lack his normal happiness, and didn't speak to me. I immediately went to my project being horrible, a mess, embarrassingly unprofessional and inadequacy (like myself). I found myself dodging my boss the rest of the week and just waiting to be called to his office or receive an email saying I was losing my position and wouldn't be trusted again. I got a physical response, hands and feet tingly, stomach drop, face turned red, heart rate picked up, and my immediate response was I need to "stuff" the emptiness I suddenly experience. This set off an immediate need to binge, I think needing to let all these emotions out. I did so, for an entire weekend. When returning to work Monday I had an email from the boss asking me to look over the presentation, I did and I remember scrolling thru each item thinking I will get to the end and find my work deleted. It wasn't. I again felt that embarrassment, that others would be looking at what I did. A couple of weeks have passed and I can not bare to look my boss in the eye or speak with him, waiting for that horrible comment.
Quote:
|
Well, yes, part of my drive to lose weight this time and keep is off is the need for conformity. My work place is threatening to increase insurance premiums for any employee who does not "live a healthy lifestyle." At this point, failure to live a "healthy lifestyle" includes anyone who smokes and anyone who is overweight. Because a majority of administrators are also heavy drinkers, alcohol use is not mentioned in terms of healthy or unhealthy behavior.
|
So, this is a new issue at work? I know that insurance companies analyze people, their habits, their health, and the risk factors each person have, smoking, drinking, weight, illegal drugs, etc. It really does make one wonder. You mention your work place threatening to increase premiums if employees do not live a healthy life style. But, I wonder just how they come up with those stats of what is healthy. I mean I was 250 lbs several years ago, I smoked, never drank, and had high blood pressure. I remember looking at several other employees comparing myself to them..we had men in their 60's who weren't over weight, didn't exercise, didn't smoke, and suddenly had major heart attacks needing triple bypass surgery. Then, there were the "skinny" employees who smoked, had high blood pressure, but also drank. I always looked at those employees and felt I was less a "risk" than they were because of the drinking..besides health effects, there was the risk of drunk driving with accidents etc. Our employer is now also looking at having to enforce rules that they were ignoring for years. While it is not for insurance, it is health related as each employee must now pass a complete physical and can no longer go to the dr group that our employer has used for years..they must pass a standardized physical and all requirements will be enforced. We have a high rate of older employees (age 70+), employees who weight 350lbs+ (12 of them), and almost half of our employees smoke. The weight requirements are now going to be enforced by the government, you have to be able to pick up and carry 50lbs, and you will have to pass a stress test. The majority of employees are in a panic. Even though our boss has tried for the past 5 years to offer weight loss clubs, exercise groups, and supportive lectures, no one else has taken advantage of them and now they are all up in arms over having to drop 100-150 lbs at least by May when the enforced standards take effect. It is scary. I know that a couple of years ago I wouldn't have passed either and my job would be in jeopardy, I've quite smoking, no longer high blood pressure, and now fit in the normal range of weight.
Quote:
|
Because a majority of administrators are also heavy drinkers, alcohol use is not mentioned in terms of healthy or unhealthy behavior.
|
Isn't it odd that many people say that they are healthy when they are really heavy drinkers? I mean drinking can ruin your liver, cause chronic pancreatitis, and in our case at work causes many employees to call in sick Monday after a weekend of partying and posting embarrassing photos on facebook.
Quote:
|
f I am not successful enough in this program, I will be forced to either undergo major surgery to have my digestive tract permanently mutilated in order to reach the goals set by my employer or look for another, potentially lower paid job without retirement or health benefits. At age 50, my prospects are not good (another societal conformity issue called ageism).
|
I agree that you sound as if you are well educated and professional. I hate to think that you would have to put your body thru surgery in order to fit the guidelines set up. I had looked at weight loss surgery when I was 250. I had insurance then, thru my husband, and it was denied. I remember being devastated. I want to have gastic bypass. After that was denied I went into a deep depression. I felt totally confused as the insurance company wanted me to drop the weight but wouldnt' help me do so because they didn't want to pay for the surgery. I lost the weight on my own, then applied to the insurance company to help cover the cost of removing aprons of old skin. There was a genuine medical reason to have the skin removed, infections, hygiene, sore back, fitting into clothes, just to name a few, yet they denied that as well. It seems that my insurance company just didn't want to cover anything I did to fit their health guideline.
You sound like you are doing a wonderful job at focusing on the physical and mental aspects of losing the weight. You are inspirational and don't forget to celebrate yourself!
Have you noticed any issues whatsoever with the harsh calorie cut causing any binge issues, the want or need? Does it trigger anything, or does the cutting calories still keep you strictly in check?
Quote:
|
This is one of the reasons I'm scheduled to see a psychologist. I need to work out these issues so this time, the weight loss sticks.
|
Have you been seeing the psychologist you mentioned, and if so has it helped? I grew up in a similar situation as you, only it was an older cousin. I often felt as an adult intimidated and scared at attention from men. I always kept on a few extra pounds as a teen and early 20's. I remember feeling that it was a safety blanket because most men wanted skinny and perfect. After I married and had children I kept that weight on as well. I felt so self conscious and alone. I felt people would leave me alone, ignore me, men wouldn't make me feel awkward because they wouldn't be interested in me. I went thru a divorce and I remember being relieved that I was FAT because no one asked me if I planned on dating.
People do not generally look at overweight people sexually. I was shocked when my now husband wouldn't take no for an answer, even at my heaviest weight. I was still at 240 when we married years later. I didn't drop my weight for him, but for myself years later. There are some people that will look past appearances and get to know you overweight or not.
I hope things continue to go well for you, keep up your hard work and know that you are doing this for you. Even your losing weight began with a threat of insurance issues, you will still be the one that reaps the health benefits. You are very smart to also speak of seeing a therapist during the journey. I wish I had done that before. I didn't conquer my binge eating the last time I lost weight, or the emotional issues I carried. I hope to read more about how wonderful you are doing. Don't let co-workers stress you over what you are or are not eating. Know that everyone here can relate to you and are here to support you
