***Trigger Warning*** When you binge to hide behind your fat after a tramatic event
 

This takes a lot for me to put out there, but I need to get it off my chest.

Five years ago I was raped by someone that I thought I could call a friend. I felt ashamed, ugly and so sad. I turned to food and smoking cigarettes as a way to cope. I was able to quit smoking, but food has remained an addiction for me. It was so comforting to eat but also I was trying to gain a lot of weight on purpose. In my messed up mind at the time I thought that if I was really fat no one would find me sexually attractive and it would protect me from getting raped again. I gained 100 pounds. After therapy and making some progress in healing emotionally, I learned from others that being raped has nothing to do with being sexually attractive or not. Rape is about power and having control over other people.

Now that I've come a long way emotionally, I have started my weight loss journey. Yes I overate for a reason but that was still no excuse for my self destructive behavior. The straw was that I couldn't make it up a flight of stairs without loosing my breath and I'm only 24. I want to get healthy again- maybe I won't be as thin as I was before but I need to get better. It's tough because as I lose weight people notice and complement me but then I freak out because people are noticing me again.

I guess I'm just looking to get this out there- but if there are any others out there that have been through similar situations that would help me to know that I'm not alone. Any advice is always appreciated.

Big hugs peachesandcream!

A lot of people gain weight as a way to hide, so you have company. I too have been through many traumas (including rape) and I definitely think it played a part in my weight issues.

It sounds like you are doing everything right by acknowledging that you gained weight in order to feel safe, but not only is it not protecting you, it's making you unhealthy. Talking through your feelings will keep you going.

Most people haven't noticed my weight loss because I tend to wear baggy clothes. Like you, I don't want to draw attention to myself. Another thing I recommend is exercise: getting strong will help you feel powerful!

Good luck!!!!

I can definitely relate to you as well. That has pretty much been the story of my life, lose some and gain fear around sexual abuse, then gain weight back. I was molested from 2.5yrs old til 6.5yrs old. Shortly before my 5th birthday was when I really started to sneak food and binge. I quickly started packing on the lbs year after year after year. Until 08 I would lose some then gain it back... but it all changed when I was told the reason I was unable to conceive was because of my size, and that the only way for me to get pregnant was to lower my bmi. So I did, with only the thoughts of mommyhood in my mind. I went over bored and really restricted myself. I lost 135lbs in 11 months before I conceived my first. Then quickly gained it all back over the course of two pregnancys. So here I am again. Lost in this cycle. With what feels like no way out of it.
I'm going about it differently this time. I'm concentrating on going slow and wanting to be healthy for my children. This time I'm also trying to concentrate on changing my over eating/binging behaviors. I don't just want to get smaller this time, I want to feel better inside my own head. Like tefrey said, exercise... it's helped me to start to feel stronger, like I could take someone if I had to. Kick boxing it a lot of fun. Its very empowering :)