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Startling epiphany...

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Old 09-20-2013, 08:24 AM   #1
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Default Startling epiphany...

So, I had a weird and interesting realization this morning...or maybe (hopefully) breakthrough. I weighed myself and had lost a little more weight. I have been losing consistently for the past 3 weeks or so. Looking at the number on the scale, I suddenly felt panicky.

I followed the feeling until I realized that I was in fear of disappearing.

How can someone who is 193 pounds feel like that? It's like dysmorphia or reverse dysmorphia... To think I'm much thinner than I really am, which I know is a feeling that I have to work on.

In any case I continued to follow the feeling and said to myself, "what would be the worst thing to happen if I did disappear?" And that's when I allowed myself to feel what I fear the most. My "self" dissolved and what was left was......... everything.

It's like the old "me" going away...and the new, fuller me taking her place. The old me - the one who relied on external things and compulsiveness, the "fat" one so to speak.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:56 AM   #2
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Thanks for sharing Mazzy! That is an interesting breakthrough. I'm a little envious, because I never seem to have these sorts of moments, but I love reading about when others do!
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Old 09-20-2013, 09:02 PM   #3
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Very interesting!
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:02 AM   #4
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Losing weight has positive mental effects, but it also has negative effects as well. Being fat is like being wrapped up in a blanket sometimes, a cocoon of security. We're soft and squishy and kind of invisible to many people. Once the weight starts coming off it almost feels like you're slowly undressing, shedding that blanket. Nothing to hide behind. Losing weight also puts you in the spotlight, people start to notice you and comment on how you look, it's very exposing which can be terrifying to someone who's used to being invisible.

I've never experienced the feelings you are experiencing, however when I've lost weight I do get frightened and I think "If I'm not fat, then who am I?"
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Old 09-21-2013, 05:47 PM   #5
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Wannabeskinny, that's exactly what I usually feel. This time I ran with it and realized the "I" is not important. Letting that go seemed to open up something bigger than myself.
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Old 09-21-2013, 09:37 PM   #6
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Losing weight also puts you in the spotlight, people start to notice you and comment on how you look, it's very exposing which can be terrifying to someone who's used to being invisible.

^^^
Absolutely this.

I'm a Jane Austin fan and there is a scene from Mansfield Park (movie) where the main character Fanny who starts out as a plain child is being praised by her uncle for her blooming beauty and the character Mary Crawford upon noticing Fanny's discomfort says, "Fanny is almost as fearful of notice and praise as other women are of neglect." I completely understand this. I am the same way.

Thanks for sharing.
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:28 AM   #7
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Great post!

When I got down to 213, my lowest weight, I felt the same way. Sounds strange... but I felt so small at that weight. It was surreal. I didn't necessarily rock the confidence to work it, so I was left feeling panicky (like you). Then I caved in to that panic and gained all of my weight back!

I never bargained for how it would feel physically/mentally to become smaller. In my mind, it would create instant joy in my life, and it really didn't. All I could see was a startlingly smaller version of a 300 pound girl and I never allowed myself to work through that, I just ran from it.

Hmm... didn't mean to ramble about myself on here, but this reminded me of that very much so. I hope when I reach that weight for the last time I am able to deal with such problems like you did. I admire your strength.
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Old 09-23-2013, 08:04 AM   #8
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I was just thinking about something else that kind of goes along with this. I have noticed that friends I have made through my profession are quite competitive in and out of the workplace. The moment I start to gain some momentum at my job or get noticed for the work I do by higher ups is the moment that my friends are too busy to talk to me. It's pretty obvious that it's not a supportive environment eventhough they are supposed to be friends. I find women to be very threatened by other women and beauty is a huge factor in that. I can't imagine what my skinny friends would think of me if I got down to their size. It's safe having a fat person around isn't it?
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Old 09-23-2013, 03:32 PM   #9
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vintagecat - love that analogy. Will have to remember that (and/or see the movie...lol)

Hamoco350, I don't think you were rambling at all. It's so good to notice these things...a little hard, too. I'm still working through it all. I guess that's what they mean by a work in progress.

wannabeskinny - I think you're onto something, here, too. I honestly think that sometimes women are threatened and competitive with each other, especially with their appearance. Even if they don't come right out and say it or it's unconscious, it's quite possible that each one has it in their minds who exactly weighs what - or who is the pretty one. And any alteration in that scheme is a threat to their own identity. God forbid the "fat one" in the group is no longer the "fat one" and now the next one in line is tagged - You're IT. Every one is in reference to another, in a way. It is really sad to say, in all honesty, I have been guilty of this. I notice it and try to work through it, but I have 2 friends who happen to weigh more than me, and often I will get a pang of "oh no" when they start losing weight. Like, "oh no" they might lose more weight than me... The hard part is to allow them (and myself) to just be. Yup, it is safe having a fat(ter) person around...

I have decided today that I'm going to lose my attachment to image, to the scale, and to perfection. It's a work in progress, for sure.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:24 PM   #10
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I've noticed that competitive thing too. Token fat girl here!

I was never "the pretty one" in my family of Malibu Barbies. I was "Skipper" the sporty girl before I was fat. OMG! come to think of it, that was the doll I got for Christmas in the 60's: Skipper. Hilarious! Pegged from the start by my uber competitive mother. Probably why I don't like being noticed in "that" way.

Most of my current women friends are non-traditional women: gay, very artsy, live alternative lifestyles, may have a shaved head, are serious athletes, work in male dominated fields or a combination of these traits. I almost have as many male friends. I guess I've opted out of girlhood entirely and live in the land of outsiders.

Very interesting topic....
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Old 09-24-2013, 11:19 AM   #11
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vintagecat - gotta do what works and what makes you happy! Always.

I suppose it becomes a problem only when you start to define yourself by the labels, even the "counter-dependent" labels, such as the rebel.

Did the Barbies in your family even know they were Barbies?
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Old 09-24-2013, 12:30 PM   #12
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Oh yeah, pageant queens, one an NFL cheerleader. Pure Barbieville.

I wouldn't be molded like they were. I fought the confines being built for me as I recall even when I was very young. I chose to not cooperate. That I got a Skipper doll cracks me up. I hadn't recalled that little detail until now.

Do identify with the outsider? I do. I find outsiders more interesting as a rule anyway. I myself tend toward the arsty and offbeat. I'm totally okay with that. Even here I don't talk "diet" or other girly things except fashion which to me is conceptual and interesting as an art form. I am what I believe to be my authentic self. I was born an outlier.

Like your personal revelation (it's not about me) and the others like the female competition observation, (What's that about anyway?) I find this topic interesting and enlightening.
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Last edited by vintagecat : 09-24-2013 at 12:30 PM.
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Old 09-24-2013, 12:52 PM   #13
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This is an interesting and heart-breaking topic. Especially when you are well out of high school. Succeeding in weight loss, work or life means you are a target. The heart-breaking part comes when it comes from your spouse, your mother, your brother.

When you are out of your cushion of weight you might be more energetic, more demanding. And I have certainly had the fear thing. For me it was more like "now what?".

Sorry that I don`t have a nice looking post! I haven`t posted often enough to have a ticker and so on.
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Old 09-24-2013, 12:56 PM   #14
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vintage, that's awesome that you've found your authentic self! It's certainly something I've always struggled with. Bad tendency to mesh my identity with others, never knowing where I belonged! I've been on the fence of many a crowd - between the preppy ones and the artsy ones.

Yup, the female competition thing...not really sure what that's about or where it came from. I think I just get roped into an ego struggle too easily, and image is my chosen defense, when for others it would be intellect or something else (a route I've also attempted and failed at). Pity me when I gained 100 pounds and could no longer defend myself with how I looked (or even hope to). Not that I ever really won the battle of looks even when I was thin. But, it was a little easier thinking I just needed to put some mascara on and hold my stomach in a little. Every day, all day long, it was imperative that my hair stay in place. Crap wind always ruined that, and therefore ruined my fragile ego. Pretty pathetic. And yet...the same song and dance even now as I lose weight. It's hard for me to know when the joy of looking good in the mirror becomes a defense when my ego is checked.

Except...now...I think I understand that there is no point in resistance (aka, defense). I'm just letting things be and allowing.

Last edited by Mazzy : 09-24-2013 at 01:00 PM.
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Old 09-24-2013, 01:02 PM   #15
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boomer, so true. It's amazing what comes out when you're out of your cushion.
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