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I can't take the self-loathing anymore

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Old 08-30-2013, 09:05 AM   #1
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Default I can't take the self-loathing anymore

I've had a set back. A few days ago I posted a thread called "what's your small success?" and I was relaying about how I needed to get to a part of town that I usually avoid because there's a Krispy Kreme there. I indulged in one doughnut and felt pretty good about it because I can eat a lot of those. I felt really good that I only had one and was able to walk away and stay on plan.

Well yesterday I went out of my way to go back to that area and eat 3 of those donuts. I just stood on the street eating them and feeling pure hatred for myself. People were walking by and I was convinced that they were just staring at me thinking what a fat slob I am. I was so depressed and sluggish after that. Everytime I make a little progress I suck myself right back in and can't find a way out.... worse though is that I know the way out and can't seem to accomplish it. It's like I'm in the pool and I don't know how to swim.

"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist." - Geneen Roth
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Old 08-30-2013, 09:18 AM   #2
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I can understand what you are going trough.
I ate almost a whole pack of fried grapefruit, cause i just could not stop.
But i forgave myself, cause today is a new day and we try again.

Please dont be hard on yourself, we all make mistakes.
Im even more terrified of the weekend coming up. And tonight we have a barbeque at work. So today will be difficult for me too.

We all have these moments.
Did you eat 3 donuts everyday??? No right??
Dont beat yourself up, you had it and its done. Lets get back on track.
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Old 08-30-2013, 10:44 AM   #3
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That was one instance, Angelique32 is right, you don't eat them everyday. I for one was at a red light and I swear I was staring at the McDonalds for the whole time that light was red, I was probably drooling. I went home and ate Doritos. As long as you get back on the wagon that day with your meals or fit it into your caloric intake you should be fine. Sometimes that voice in your head is so overwhelming, your not going to live your whole life without eating a donut every now and then am I correct? Lets just say it was a treat and you'll workout extra hard the next day.
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Old 08-30-2013, 12:23 PM   #4
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I can't really give any advice on this. It happens to me, too. I'm not a bad person but I have some really bad habits that break through sometimes.

As an aside, I'm off to google fried grapefruit.

She believed she could so she did.

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Old 08-30-2013, 12:46 PM   #5
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Hate the problem, not yourself. This is something I have to tell myself also -- but self-loathing is just a black hole. I don't want to be in that hole. I don't want YOU to be in that hole.

My experience: It is easy to get very down on myself when I have a binge episode, but it never helps me to hate myself, really. Hating myself only leads to more binging, which leads to more self-loathing, and you see where that will go.

I will never consider myself a "former binge eater". I am a binge-eater, period. I have to manage it. Just like my back injury, I have to manage that, too. I tell myself "I will not hate myself for having this problem". I am not a "weak" or "stupid" or "pathetic" or "dumb" person. I have a problem, I am taking steps to manage it. I'm not aiming for perfection, perfection is not even a possibility for me, I KNOW this.

I will have binge eating episodes, the key for me is to accept that fact, accept the episode, and MOVE ON from it. End it as soon as I possibly can (and I'm getting better at ending it sooner), and once I've ended it don't replay it in my head over and over while hating on myself. It's OVER, move ON. In practice this has helped me. The binging is less and less frequent, and it is easier and easier to avoid it right from the start. It gets easier (though never EASY)!

It is very hard. The self-hate part of the equation is very difficult to get past. Hang in there.

Last edited by Mrs Snark : 08-30-2013 at 12:47 PM.
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Old 08-30-2013, 02:16 PM   #6
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Three donuts while too much, won't do in your progress. Consider this a live and learn moment. Get back on the horse and carry on.

FWIW no one probably noticed you at all. If they did, they probably thought, "Mmmmm! Donuts!" We are our own worst enemies with all of this self centric pain. That's even harder to give up than the food. At least for me, giving up the pain was the key to giving up the using of food as a substance. One day at a time.

Last edited by vintagecat : 08-30-2013 at 02:44 PM.
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Old 08-30-2013, 02:24 PM   #7
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I do the very same thing and don't understand "why?" . I guess that food is my addiction and sometimes I just gotta have it. Wish we didn't need to eat to live, otherwise we could just give up food altogether.
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Old 08-30-2013, 03:33 PM   #8
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I think overcoming over-eating sometimes takes consecutive small steps. Yes, you ate 3 donuts. You didn't eat 12, 6, or even 4. That's progress! You also came onto here and vented/reached out, that's huge progress as well! That's a lot to take pride and comfort in. You're not trying to pretend it didn't happen. It happened and you're trying to deal with it -- that is exactly the kind of attitude and approach that helps us find our way to balance where we feel not/less controlled by the desire to binge.

There are different ways to approach over-eating. What's probably common to each of them is that this is a journey, and slip-ups are bound to happen. I know the feeling sucks, but it's okay to slip-up hon. Just be sure that you get yourself back on track after the slip-up. That way, the slip-up doesn't hold much bearing.

On a side note, why do you think those donuts are such a temptation for you? Now hear me out, I'm not trying to be stupid, I know they taste amazing. But if you can delve within and answer that question, perhaps you might come across strategies for managing the temptation should it arise.

You'll be okay. You can do this and we're all behind you. I hope you feel better soon.
In August 2013, I wasn't sure if I could try to lose weight again, but I convinced myself to give it all I had just until October 31, 2013, at which point I would revisit my goals. I told myself I'd be pleased with my decision in the future. When October arrived, I felt deeply grateful indeed. It's been 24 months and over 121 lbs lost, and I remain deeply grateful every day. There are no words to explain how worth it the hard work is.
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Became 'overweight' (BMI of 29.7) on July 29, 2014!

Last edited by belovedspirit : 08-30-2013 at 03:35 PM.
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Old 08-31-2013, 09:42 AM   #9
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Thanks for the encouragement all. A set back shouldn't throw me off this much but because I had been to that part of town and had anticipated a set back earlier last week and was able to abstain from binging on doughnuts I'm just doubly disappointed that I went back there days later to fulfill the binging.

Another habit that I've noticed I'm doing lately is hiding my stomach and being really self conscious of it. When sitting I always cover my stomach with my purse, or a napkin or a pillow or anything I can find. Last night I was alone sitting on the couch and I noticed that even by myself I was hiding my stomach with a throw blanket. It's like I don't even want to see it myself. That's self loathing, right? I'm just going through a rough period right now, I'll try to yank myself out of it, thanks for the support.

"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist." - Geneen Roth
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Old 08-31-2013, 04:50 PM   #10
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Wannabeskinny - on the stomach hiding - I spent years automatically turning away from mirrors and plate glass windows where I might see my reflection. Ashamed of myself. Don't give up and focus on small successes. I had to come to grips with the addictive nature of my eating and after a lot of time and work , the mind games are gone.
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Old 09-02-2013, 01:39 PM   #11
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It is hard when you feel like everyone judges you. I feel people, even my boyfriend, judge me when I eat; it's so irrational. Most people are too busy worrying about themselves to worry about you.
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Last edited by Ms A : 09-02-2013 at 01:39 PM.
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Old 09-06-2013, 12:25 AM   #12
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I think sugar makes us both ravenous. When I want to stay in control while still eating a donut (or a biscuit, one of my binge foods), I drink a cup of milk with it. Bite, sip, bite, sip. It slows me down and fills me up. Best of all, it doesn't inject me with straight refined carbs, so I never enter that ravenous state where I feel out of control. Just a suggestion. It might help you too.
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:17 AM   #13
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I can totally understand. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to a certain part of town for a specific binge item. Or gone to McDonalds and ordered enough food for two people plus two drinks. Of course, it was all for me.

All I can say is that it was one setback. Don't let it derail you completely, and don't hate yourself for it. And I guarantee no one noticed you eating. People are so self-absorbed that they probably didn't notice at all.

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