No it's not the binging. I've been there done that, learned how to move forward.
No today, I went out to grab lunch. Prior to that, I overslept this morning and as such did not have time to pack anything other than some healthy snacks to take to work (Mistake 1).
And then work turned out to be hectic and drama-filled and I barely managed to sneak in a cup of cottage cheese and then nada, nothing, zip for about 6 hours. By then I was starving (Mistake 2). I still had an apple and a yogurt but I convinced myself to ignore the hunger pangs until I could sit down and eat properly (Mistake 3).
I've been in this situation before chicks, I'm in the medical field so I've had to go long hours without eating before and I've learned that my mind does not look at food the same when I'm absolutely starving as it does when I'm just a little hungry or itís just time to eat. For me, starving is a binge trigger. It sends me into an 'eat everything in sight, you might not get another chance' overdrive.
But I wasn't thinking about this chicks, it didn't even hit me until long after that this is what had happened.
I had decided to grab a salad and some grilled chicken from a place not too far away and, I reasoned, that was known for its fresh healthy foods. I ignored the fact that it was also known for its unhealthy foods and that, many times in the past, I'd go there alone and eat meals that were probably suited to 2-3 people in one setting.
So I walked in immediately heading towards the salad bar when not even 5 steps in, I was captivated by the smells of all my favorite foods.
I'd walk you through the bargaining process I did with myself but some things are too humiliating to write down. Suffice to say, I gave in. I walked away from the salad and spent $30 (I can usually make that stretch for about 4 days of meals) on a lunch of carbs, carbs, carbs + dessert. Barely halfway in my binge, I was stuffed and feeling absolutely disgusting.
So I stopped. I threw away the rest of the food.
If Iíd stopped there, this tale couldíve been a triumphant one but I didnít and itís not.
I went into the bathroom and forced myself to throw up.
I canít even think why I did it. Itís definitely not a habit for me. Had I done it before? Sure, 3 or 4 times MAX as a teen many years ago but that food sitting in my belly just made feel so panicked and I wanted it out.
I feel like such an idiot, chicks. Just low and stupid because I know this doesnít fix anything and only leads to a bad road.
I don't even know if I had a specific question but I needed to share this with SOMEONE and my RL friends and family would not understand.