I come here because it's an encouraging, supportive environment. As such, I know I can spill my guts to all of you and confess my binges etc, and not feel judged for it. Thank you for that.
Last week, I was eating normal, sensible meals, and no snacks. This week, I went back to work.
Monday went well. I made sandwiches for lunch, and although I succumbed to a packet of crisps at lunchtime, I resisted the temptation of other junk on the way home. Instead, I bought a number of plastic storage tubs, and a load of strawberries, to eat at lunch for the rest of this week.
Tuesday went well. I made sandwiches for lunch again, and took strawberries like I planned. All is well, I'm on plan.
Wednesday, different story. I deliberately didn't pack lunch, and went for fish and chips instead. Salty, vinegar-covered, greasy junk food. Urgh.
I felt salt-infested for most of the afternoon, and just generally icky. Then I got a tub of ice cream on the way home, and ate it all.
Today, despite how much worse I felt yesterday than on all the days when I was on plan, I messed up again. I switched my morning routine to shower early because the cleaner was coming (they don't have a set time to arrive, so long as the house is cleaned sometime in the day), had today's allotted strawberries as breakfast, and then went early to go into town to run an errand or two. Not so bad, you might think. Hmmm. Well, by half 10, I was hungry due to the lack of proper breakfast, so had a sausage roll. A large one. Gah. Then, since I start work at 1pm and needed to allow travelling time from town, I began lunch just before 12. A huge slab of lasagne, a bottle of coke (normal, not diet or anything), and a slice of chocolate cake. Urgh again.
I felt so sluggish for the first hour or so at work. Then to top it all off tonight, I ate not one, but TWO tubs of Ben and Jerrys. (BOGOF.)
I actually almost threw up just before I started writing this. (I've never purged deliberately... somehow, I'm not able to.) I feel stuffed and swollen, and also feel physically sick. My acid reflux has woken up again, and I hate feeling this icky.
The stupid thing is, there was no trigger, no actual reason I binged. I was just being greedy.
The other stupid thing? I knew yesterday that going off-plan no longer even feels good physically. Junk food actually makes me feel sick, and brings up my acid reflux. So I'm determined to get back on the wagon now.
I so cannot wait for tomorrow morning to get back on plan, starting with breakfast. I'm going to pack my sandwiches and strawberries and bottle of water, and enjoy it. Frankly, I'm also planning to go into work early tomorrow, just so I can sit in the staff room and enjoy my lunch, rather than rushing it before I walk up from the bus stop and give myself indigestion.
It's like, when I put healthy stuff in me, I feel fresh and fulfilled; when I eat junk, I feel sluggish, salty and icky.
I am annoyed at myself for today and yesterday food-wise, but I'm determined to at least learn from it. Junk food no longer tastes good to me, which must be a good thing.
Plus, fresh fruit is WAY cheaper, meaning less money spent on food!
I'm going to make sure something good comes of this. Maybe something good already has?
I went off plan yesterday and today, binged, feel physically sick, found I actually prefer healthy food to junk food. Lesson learned. Thanks chicks, for giving me somewhere safe and supportive when I can say all this.