Need support: first real danger of binging for months!
Ok, I need some help.
I have been hospitalized and have been eating the full meals in the hospital, which I don't regret. I believe I need the strength and extra calories to recover.
What I'm afraid of is that for the first time in months, I am having super-strong urges to binge. I think it is because I feel like I am out of control: I can't exercise, I can't eat what I normally eat, I am not in control of my surroundings. I feel very bloated because of the IV meds that have been pumped into me; that and the inability to exercise and eating more than I usually do are messing with my head, making me believe I have gained 20 pounds even though I don't think that's possible (although with no thyroid maybe it is...).
I am not able to get food since I'm hospitalized, but I have friends and family who are asking me what they can bring for snacks. I did ask for a couple of treats: not enough to binge; truly just because I'm still hungry. But I still feel guilty about it.
My fear is when they release me either today (hopefully) or tomorrow. All I can think is, "I have already gained, and my weight won't stabilize for a while, so no one will ever know if I binge." All I can think about are the foods I want to eat. I'm not necessarily thinking about big portions, but am not thinking about moderation either. It's like everything I have worked on for the past four months has flown out the window.
Please, please, please slap me around and help me come to my senses!!!
KittyKat, this is all your stress, pain and meds talking. You haven't gained 20 pounds. No way. It's parts of your brain freaking out because of all you've been through and all you are going through. Are you going to have a weight gain out of all this? Very likely but it that is something you know how to handle. You know how to lose weight. You've got this.
I'm not sure how to help you get calm and centered. Do you have a favorite place you can go to in your mind? For example, there's a place in Sedona, AZ where I used to go a lot. It was by Oak Creek. The water made music. The trees and plants smelled so good. I could sit on a rock there and just....listen. Now when I'm stressed, sometimes I imagine that place and listening to the water. Have you a place you like that you can think about?
Last edited by Garnet2727 : 04-13-2013 at 08:24 PM.
hi kittykatfan - please try to remain calm and take some deep breaths. also, try not to focus on any perceived weight gain whether real or not. It doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things. Focus on your achievements and all the positives over the last few months. Don't be so hard on yourself; you are in the hospitatl. Eating more than normal sometimes is not a bad thing. Overeating is not the same as bingeing. Maybe try to remember it doesn't have to be all or nothing. If there are some things you want maybe you could just have something and not beat yourself up about it. Try to step outside of yourself and observe your thoughts and how they are making you feel. Can you change those thoughts to change your feelings. Observe any negative self talk you might be engaging in. Also, take yourself out of the situation mentally and pretend you are helping someone who is in your exact position. What would you say to her?
Also, can you keep someone with you for company and someone to talk to? Maybe with some company you can wait this one out.
KittyKat- first of all take a deep breath and breathe in and out concentrate on the sound of your breathing .Close your eyes and visualize your diaphragm rising and slowly breath in and out . Say to yourself I am strong and getting stronger,I have control and I have got this. practice Mediating and focus on your favorite outdoor places in nature and visualize that you are there.
It is very important that you calm your brain down and focus on positive....do not allow negative thoughts to creep in to your head.
Make a plan to learn to do something that would take a lot of effort and become absorbed in that. You need to keep your brain non stressed and also find ways that you can give back to others...volunteering or something else ...that will really help you...keep a more positive prospective and will help you really get back to where you want to me!
Medications and being hospitalized can give you panic attacks, not saying that's what is happening , but that it can.
Make a plan of action ...have friends and family bring you foods that are OP.
Do not let yourself off the hook! You have not gained 20lbs ...this is only fluids!
relax sweetie and breathe.....
I am at home recouping so although I don't know exactly what your going thru ...I am experiencing frustration with a body that is not behaving like I want it to do....and knowing I will always have to be vigilant where my health is concerned to be as healthy as I can!
Hang in there Girl, I am Rooting for you! Hugs and feel better,Roo2
I am sorry you are in the hospital and are upset. I was in the hospital twice this year alone and I know how frustrating it can be. You can get through this! Food is only a temporary solution to the underlying issues. I know for myself that sometimes I feel worse after bingeing, I still get cravings at times but I know that I feel better when I don't binge.
It sounds like you are getting a lot of support here, which is awesome. I send you all my support too. I have faith that you can get through this without overeating!!
What are some coping thoughts that you can use to get you through this tough time?
How about: "I am a good person." "One moment at a time, I can and will get through this."
Veggiedaze - you hit it right on the head with your all-or-nothing comment. That is exactly what I retreat to when stressed, and for years I have been on this all-or-nothing eating cycle. I have been working so hard to get to more of a forgiving middle ground.
I do have a relative here. She is out running errands for me. Hope she will return soon. I did ask her to bring a treat (A treat, not several) and should not feel guilty about having one extra small thing that I crave.
Garnet2727 - thank you for the imagery idea. I do that all the time as a way to distract. I think of the central coast of California.
I appreciate the help. I plan to get extra therapy next week to get me back on track. No way I want to go back to the binge-and-restrict days. I just have to get a hold of these crazy thoughts.
It helps to hear this advice from people who, like me, are recovering from illness and/or surgery. It is so hard to take things one day at a time, but I do need to stay calm and live in the moment. This is a lifelong battle and a few pounds, whether caused by water weight or food/lack of exercise, are just blips in the road when you look at the big picture.
I will find a way to get through tomorrow. Having family here, even if only for a weekend visit, has been a good distraction. And just getting out of the hospital and having the freedom to choose my menu options will be a positive. I just feel so trapped and at other people's mercy right now.
I will get through Sunday, eating a bit more to aid in recovery and comfort without resorting to binging, then I will be back in laser focus on Monday when I will have additional support resources available.
wow kittykatfan, sounds like you've calmed down a bit. It's great you did not let the all or none attitude take you over. I think that is the biggest reason why some people start bingeing in first place. I think it's very stressful like you said about having someone else in control of your activities and what you eat and it's so tough to not panic. Sometimes we have to just go with it, ride it out, tell ourselves "okay maybe I can't eat or do what I want to right now and am eating more than what I might normally be doing, but it's not the end of the world".You have been and continue to be a real inspiration to me in my own recovery proccess.
Veggiedaze, I don't know that I have totally calmed down. I am still not thinking in the totally right frame of mind. I am eating my full meals (although I stopped today when full), but I also accepted a treat that a friend brought me. I am probably lucky in a way that I am hospitalized because I could potentially slide into binging if I were out on the prowl. If I don't get out this afternoon, damage will be minimized because I will have more support tomorrow.
What I think I have done is accept people's advice to realize that this hardship I'm experiencing is a temporary blip on a very long path. If I gain ten pounds for whatever reason, I can get back to the good habits I have developing. I am already thinking of cope-ahead strategies I can adopt when I do get out of here: going to the store and buying nutrient-rich food; making a safe, healthy dinner when I get home; resuming extra therapy sessions until I feel more secure.
I will get through this without going back to where I was. I just have to accept being temporarily out of control of things, let the experts dictate what I need to do to get better, and realize that I will be able to jump back on the focused, binge-free path as soon as I am able.
Kittykatfan - i'm totally thinking about you right now and hoping you're doing okay. The words you speak seem to indicate you are able to see the situation in a better light in that you are realizing you are in a hardship which is just a temporary blip. Once it's all over, I'm sure this experience will make you even stronger, and if you encounter another obstacle like this it may be much easier to deal with. Hope we hear from you soon
kitty i'm so sorry. i know you're strong enough to get back on track. everything is not lost yet. a minor slip won't get you back to square one. you're almost at your goal weight and you should be focusing on that. one binge does not mean that you're going to gain all back.
i hope you'll get better soon. hugs
__________________ There is a skinny woman inside of me crying to get out but I shut the b**** up with cookies.
hey kittkatfan - sorry to hear you binged, but try not to be hard on yourself. You were in such an incredibly stressful situation, something you hadn't encountered yet. but now next time something stressful like that happens you will be okay. And heck, 20 weeks is such a huge accomplishment. Obviously you were doing something right and having the right mindset in order to achieve that. There is no way everything you learned went out the window. You just have to try and get rid of the guilt, forget about it, and push ahead.
Sending many hugs to you for your physical and emotional recovery. You've had such a crazy time lately. Even though you're feeling down, I have to commend your honesty. Coming on here and admitting that you were about to binge and then actually binged took such courage. I love that you're reaching out for support and not trying to deal on your own. This shows that you have strength and self-worth. I know you will get through this. Keep coming on and getting healthy. All of us here are cheering for you.