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Total loss of control, and I hate myself for it.

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Old 04-08-2013, 02:27 AM   #1
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Unhappy Total loss of control, and I hate myself for it.

I swear I'm losing the fight. I ate so much today I threw up. I am not one of those who bing and purge. In fact I CAN'T purge. I have tried and cannot force myself to puke, no matter how hard I try. so when I suddenly ended up praying to the porcelain god, I knew it was bad. My stomach feels better, but I just want to crawl under my bed (where I don't actually fit) and cry myself to death.

I haven't binged that hard in nearing three years. I'm just ... I'm losing it and I don't know what to do. The only comfort I can take right now is the fact that I CAN'T eat anything right now. and probably for a day or two. But I just... ARG! F**K! It scares the **** out of me when I lose it that hard, can't sleep cause I'm afraid my stomach will burst in the night and I won't wake up in the morning. Or something equally stupid. And I can't sleep because of that dark part of me who whispers "Hey, not waking up wouldn't be so bad would it?"

I just... Dear Ancestors I probably sound like a complete whiny tool right now. I've bested so many demons, the fact that food is the one that is besting me just makes me want to throw myself off a cliff and say F**k it all.

Probably add this post to my list of regrets in the morning. Sorry for going nuts. Just didn't know what else to do, I've no one to talk to, haven't in years so my places to vent are limited to boards full of strangers who probably think I'm insane.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:47 AM   #2
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It's ok to vent here. A lot of us are going through the same thing. I understand that horrible feeling that you're losing it - I've just had one of those weeks myself, and it can be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel afterwards.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, as these slip ups do happen from time to time. You've gone three years without doing this (which is amazing!), that tells me you can do it again! Try to relax and go to bed because tomorrow is a new day and you can get through it. Just take it little by little and be strong!

Feel free to come here whenever you need support, that's what it's here for! Good luck and good wishes.
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Old 04-08-2013, 06:01 AM   #3
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chryss666 - Sorry to hear you`re having a tough time. Just remember you are not alone in your struggle and we all have days that are worse than others. Instead of beating yourself up over what happened, try to look at what happened and learn something from it. Maybe you can pinpoint something that can help you in the future. For me, my binging can seem to become much better at times to where I feel I am almost cured, and then suddenly something snaps and I am worse than ever. But please try to be positive. You said you have bested all your other demons except food which is more than alot of us can say. Just as an example, food too was the only demon left for me to face until 2 years ago when I was in a horrific industrial accident where I received some severe 3rd degree burns from acid, some of which were on my face. I had a hole in my eyelid and it was pretty tough to face the world each day wondering how bad the scars would be. Everyone said how lucky I was that my eye itself was okay and I wasn`t blinded, but it was difficult to look at the situation in any positive light. I felt it was easy for people to say it would be okay since they were not thee one who was burned. Then I met someone who suffered burns to 90% of his body and realized things could always be much much worse. And he had a much more positive attude than I did. Hang in there. A quote from Rumi: The wound is the place where the light enters you.
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Old 04-09-2013, 01:01 AM   #4
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It sucks. That feeling of being out of control and lost. But this is a place where there are people who support you and live you, even if they don't know you. My downfall is Nutella. I just sit and eat a jar. A whole big jar. And I feel sick and say I'll never do it again. And then POW! I'm lurking in the aisle at the grocery store, arguing in my head about why I'm a horrible person if I buy it, but my life sucks and it makes me happy so I should buy it. Wacko!

Don't go to that dark place. Please. What went right today? What one good thing can you hold on to for this moment and "yeah. Okay. I do rock"? Cheesy, but sometimes the smallest thing can remind me what hope feels like.
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Old 04-10-2013, 01:06 AM   #5
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I don't think you're insane, cause we're on the same journey. I've binged 4 times this week, each time getting to the point where I wish my body would throw up, so I could feel better. I've been angry and disappointed in myself, but I'm determined to move forward. And this demon is one of the hardest you can face. How many other demons are there that you not only have to face every day, but you have to consume to stay alive? This is not an easy journey, but it is a possible one.
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Old 04-10-2013, 02:27 AM   #6
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Don't be so hard on yourself , we are all in this together. i'm just coming out (or I hope that I am) of a very dismal period of uncontrolled eating -I went to bed early yesterday to forget the disastrous day that I had

We just need to forget the past and start all over again.
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Old 04-10-2013, 05:32 PM   #7
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The post-binge frame of mind is a very dark place. I've lived there many times. This forum is such a light in my life though. I don't think I could get through without these folks! Keep coming here and expressing yourself. It's easy to break one stick alone, but a bundle of sticks stays strong together.
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Old 04-11-2013, 08:56 AM   #8
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Thanks guys, a lot. It took me a few days to get back here, but I'm back on track and putting this terrible nonsense behind me.

I binge often, just not normally that badly. Lets see if I can go another 3 years without hitting the food that hard, or never again would be very nice as well. Took me a couple days to recover from that one and I don't like it one bit.

You guys helped though, I came here a few times and reread these things just to help myself feel better and it did help so thank you again. you guys totally rock.

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Old 04-11-2013, 02:46 PM   #9
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no probs on the support chrys666. For me too the support on this site has been overwhelming and at times I am almost brought to tears (in a good way). Glad to hear you are getting over the bad binge!
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:32 PM   #10
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It's perfectly ok to lose it every now and then - besides, it probably helps keep the sanity. I know exactly how you feel. I cried the whole way home from the gym the other day because I've been stuck at this one spot for almost a month now and can't seem to get past it no matter how hard I work. It's not easy, we all know this. Just stay strong. You will get there. If everything was easy in the world, everybody would do everything. It's not going to be an easy road, but we are here and you CAN do it. Keep your head up. It can be overwhelming at times, but it gets better. Remember this little quote " In the end, everything is better. If it's not better, it's not the end"
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