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what eating disorder do i have? [triggering + long]

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Old 04-04-2013, 11:22 PM   #1
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Default what eating disorder do i have? [triggering + long]

i was told i am "EDNOS" but that was on yahoo answers and idk who those people are, whereas i've been on this site for a bit now and have come to trust and enjoy it already. however, i don't know what to categorize my eating disorder as. i do currently consider myself recovered, however, so the habits i will be telling you were in the past.

ages 12-14
i would go between not eating for 3 days straight, then eating nothing but 1/4 of a bagel with 1/2 tsp cream cheese and 1 apple a day for weeks on end, then not eating for 3 days straight, then back to the bagel and apple. but then, after a few months of that i would drop down to 95 pounds (only 10 pounds underweight for my height, i am 5'1") and be so happy i would think "i can have a piece of cake as a reward, then go back to my dieting so i can get down to 75", but as soon as the cake entered my mouth, it would be followed by months of binging. pizza, cake, cookies, ramen, chinese food, etc... until i was 140. then i would get depressed because i got fat, and go back to the starvation and apples.

ages 14-15
i would continue the same exact schedule as above, except when one day, i binged so much i ended up so full that i threw up UNintentionally... and thought... "hey, maybe i can eat what i want to eat without getting the calories" and became a huge purger. my weakness was beef fried rice. i would make 2 boxes, and eat straight out of the pot. i would eat until my stomach hurt, chugging water the whole time, then make myself throw up. then i would eat more. throw up. over and over. pretty soon, i would go (by myself) to the $10 buffet down the street that just happened to have private bathrooms. i would literally spend an hour there, barely even chewing my food, just scarfing it down. lo mein, shrimp, egg rolls, dumplings and won-ton soup, anything and everything. at this point, i heard about "anorexia" and "bulimia" from my school nurse because a girl in my school was drastically underweight and when they confronted her, she started screaming about "it's my body" and i'm in control" and she yelled so hard she passed out. i was intrigued. i started studying eating disorders and frequenting pro-ana sites. soon i was eating only "negative calorie" foods (celery, lettuce, very small amounts of fruits) and chewing and spitting candy. i experimented with laxatives, but didn't like them.

age 15-17
living with my grandmother. she would make me breakfast, which i would eat, and give me a bagged lunch for school. i would head outside for the bus... but make a pit-stop to the rain gutter. i would throw the bagged lunch in the gutter, and throw up my breakfast. i didn't even care that the kids at the bus-stop would sometimes catch me, because they were intimidated by me (i was hardcore goth, home-done piercings, black lipstick, chains and spikes... in fact, here is a picture! click... though this was soon after i removed my piercings due to infection. all the clothes the guy is wearing actually belong to me). i wouldn't eat anything at lunch, and my grandmother worked evenings so i just took the food she had made for me, cut it up, and flushed it (i was paranoid about her going through the trash). however, my teeth soon became so sensitive (from the frequent vomiting) that i needed a dentist's visit. the dentist told me my enamel was wearing off, and there were "ridges" on the back of my teeth, which looked as though it was from frequent vomiting, and that i had gingivitis. i was given a prescription toothpaste. but i didn't stop. also, at 17, working part-time at subway, we would get free 6-inches each shift. i would give mine away to the crossing guard on the way home. i also exercised a lot at this point. 1 mile walk to school, school for 4 hours, short walk to work, work for 4 hours, short walk to the gym, run 1 mile, do 1 hour of circuits (it was curves), run 1 mile, then walk 1 mile home. of course, all my muscle-building made me look bigger than i really was, at this point i weighed 105. but i still saw fat EVERYWHERE.

17-19
cycles of self-starvation, binge-purging, and chewing and spitting. looking at my body and seeing fat fat fat fat fat EVERYWHERE.

20
met my now-boyfriend. for the first 3 weeks, he never saw me eat. he mentioned it. i got paranoid. started starving less, purging more. then, i realized i hated sneaking around, and just... stopped. it took no effort whatsoever to stop. however, at that time i was always ****ed up, i used to OD on cough syrup and cold medication (you feel like you're on heroin) so that probably helped me not give a ****.

21
got pregnant. lost baby. comfort ate. got on birth control and medication. gained 100 pounds in 18 months.

22
right now! have lost 23 pounds through proper dieting. but i am constantly feeling triggered. every time fried rice, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, or ramen are around, i wanna binge-purge. every time i eat more than exactly 1500 calories, i wanna go purge. i don't listen to these thoughts telling me to go throw up, especially as it cost $6,000 to fill all the cavities my purging caused and i have a heart problem from nutrition deficiency for so long. i'm also pretty sure i'm so short because my growth was stunted from adolescent starvation. i have especially been wanting to chew/spit candy. but i know i can't. and as much as i know it's not healthy or realistic, i really really really wanna be 75 pounds.

somehow, i NEVER dropped below 95 pounds. NEVER was hospitalized for it. NEVER diagnosed. family didn't even know until about a year ago, i was so good at hiding it. and i know i could easily get away with it again. it's something i'm good at.





anyway, i believe that my history should label me as anorexic AND bulimic, but people say i can't be considered either of those because i never dropped to an unhealthy weight... but i still did great harm to my body, like i said, i now have a heart issue.

what would you label my history as? and what would you suggest for me to do about my urges?

recently i've been looking at extreme anorexics (isabella caro for instance) to see how RUINED their bodies are and it kinda helps me to not want to do it... for a few hours. but then i think "nah i'll just do it to 150 and i'll stop" but i know, i KNOW if i let it get control of me again, i'll try and try and try to get down to 75 pounds, i'll isolate again, i'll be unhealthy again.

anyway, i wanted to share my history a bit as both a serious question and as venting about what i've been thinking about constantly.
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Old 04-05-2013, 12:32 AM   #2
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Hi, well you have quite the story. I think it's common for people with eating disorders to have their actual disorder or bahaviour change somewhat through the proccess. I have heard of alot of people who began with anorexia and then something snapped one day and they entered into bulimia. And I have known many bulimics who were able to stop the purging aspect of it whether it be vomitting, extreme exercise, or laxitive abuse. I would also say the chewing and spitting would be more like bulimia. I'm not so sure it matters what disorder you have had in the past, what matters is what you have now.

It seems like you are aware of the seriousness of these disorders and the harm it did to your body, however i am getting that you are feeling pulled into possibly repeating these behavours in order to lose weight. Please remember that these disorders are what has led you to your current weight. Going back there would only repeat the cycle with more damage to your body.

So right now you are losing weight through proper dieting and exercising. But you are also binging which is an eating disorder in itself. I think it is wise to deal with the binging before being worried about your weight and then once the binging is conquered, the weight should follow. It is tough not to be just concerned with losing weight when you feel uncomfortable with your current weight, but take it from me, once you hit your goal weight, if you don't face the binging, you will still be a binger and will likely gain the weight back making you feel worse.

You need to address what is making me binge. There are more than one reason I think. Some things linked to binging are dieting, stress, anxiety, and depression. For me, I am 5'5" (age 32) and maintain a weight anywhere from 110-120, but I am a binge eater. I binge about once per week and probably restrict and overexercise in between the binges. I am also an obsessive calorie counter which I think is the biggest cause of my binges. I don't think it's wise to count calories for anyone with a binge eating disorder (it only causes anxiety). I have stopped the calorie counting and honestly it has made a big difference (I have a twin sister who does not count calories and does not binge anymore at all). I am also trying to listen to my body and eat when I am actually hungry and not when a pre-determined diet or plan tells me to eat (my sister does this too). And I am finding I have to eat enough food. If I ever get too hungry and try to put off eating, it just backfires and I binge. And for some people on here, that seems to be what it takes. For me I think it will take a little more because I have a history of depression and anxiety too which I think also is a cause to my binging. For this I think I have to work on the other things in my life like doing things I enjoy. I also find exercise to aleviate some of the depression/anxiety as it does give you endorphins that lift your mood, but this you have to be careful with because if your sole reason for exercising is for burning calories and obsessing about your weight, it will actually make your binging worse.

Also I would also suggest therapy for you because a desire to be 75 pounds really sounds like you have some extreme body dysmorphic disorder going on. It is just not a natural weight for any adult.
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Old 04-05-2013, 12:38 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by veggiedaze View Post
Hi, well you have quite the story. I think it's common for people with eating disorders to have their actual disorder or bahaviour change somewhat through the proccess. I have heard of alot of people who began with anorexia and then something snapped one day and they entered into bulimia. And I have known many bulimics who were able to stop the purging aspect of it whether it be vomitting, extreme exercise, or laxitive abuse. I would also say the chewing and spitting would be more like bulimia. I'm not so sure it matters what disorder you have had in the past, what matters is what you have now.

It seems like you are aware of the seriousness of these disorders and the harm it did to your body, however i am getting that you are feeling pulled into possibly repeating these behavours in order to lose weight. Please remember that these disorders are what has led you to your current weight. Going back there would only repeat the cycle with more damage to your body.

So right now you are losing weight through proper dieting and exercising. But you are also binging which is an eating disorder in itself. I think it is wise to deal with the binging before being worried about your weight and then once the binging is conquered, the weight should follow. It is tough not to be just concerned with losing weight when you feel uncomfortable with your current weight, but take it from me, once you hit your goal weight, if you don't face the binging, you will still be a binger and will likely gain the weight back making you feel worse.

You need to address what is making me binge. There are more than one reason I think. Some things linked to binging are dieting, stress, anxiety, and depression. For me, I am 5'5" (age 32) and maintain a weight anywhere from 110-120, but I am a binge eater. I binge about once per week and probably restrict and overexercise in between the binges. I am also an obsessive calorie counter which I think is the biggest cause of my binges. I don't think it's wise to count calories for anyone with a binge eating disorder (it only causes anxiety). I have stopped the calorie counting and honestly it has made a big difference (I have a twin sister who does not count calories and does not binge anymore at all). I am also trying to listen to my body and eat when I am actually hungry and not when a pre-determined diet or plan tells me to eat (my sister does this too). And I am finding I have to eat enough food. If I ever get too hungry and try to put off eating, it just backfires and I binge. And for some people on here, that seems to be what it takes. For me I think it will take a little more because I have a history of depression and anxiety too which I think also is a cause to my binging. For this I think I have to work on the other things in my life like doing things I enjoy. I also find exercise to aleviate some of the depression/anxiety as it does give you endorphins that lift your mood, but this you have to be careful with because if your sole reason for exercising is for burning calories and obsessing about your weight, it will actually make your binging worse.

Also I would also suggest therapy for you because a desire to be 75 pounds really sounds like you have some extreme body dysmorphic disorder going on. It is just not a natural weight for any adult.
i haven't binged in years o.O and i am having great success with my calorie-counting. and my current goal isn't really "get bone-thin again" but rather "get healthy". if i only make it down to 150 but can stop my blood pressure medication and can ride my bike to the library and back easily, i won't care about the weight anymore. honestly, i'm attracted to big girls and am not all that unhappy with how i feel (i'll grab my love handles and stuff and i think "sexy") but rather how my stomach hangs. if i could just lose weight in my stomach and nowhere else i'd be fine.

and i know i can't be 75 pounds, it's been in my head since age 12 and it won't go away, but i ignore it. and unfortunately i cannot afford therapy.
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Old 04-05-2013, 12:46 AM   #4
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Okay I'm sorry. When I read the part when you said you felt triggered aroung fried rice ect. and wanted to binge/purge, but didn't purge, I guess I assumed you meant that you binged. So that is wonderful and I apologize for my misunderstanding. It sounds then you are on your way to what you want. Does it really matter now what exact eating disorder you had then? It sounds like you're doing really great now.
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Old 04-05-2013, 12:56 AM   #5
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Okay I'm sorry. When I read the part when you said you felt triggered aroung fried rice ect. and wanted to binge/purge, but didn't purge, I guess I assumed you meant that you binged. So that is wonderful and I apologize for my misunderstanding. It sounds then you are on your way to what you want. Does it really matter now what exact eating disorder you had then? It sounds like you're doing really great now.
well i'm weird in the way that i like to put names to my problems. i like to know the intimate details, when i was diagnosed with ADHD, i was like "that's not right, i'm not always hyper, sometimes i get so upset is cut myself" so i started studying mental disorders... i CORRECTLY diagnosed myself with bipolar 4 years before the doctors did. and i think i have a form of DID(dissociative identity disorder) because i have people in my head, but they don't take over me like in the books i've read so i'm not sure what that is... it's just like having different parts of me. i have a whole world in my head, and the people each have their own distinct personalities and homes... and sometimes i'll call on them for help... like if someone is being really rude to me i'll call on Cassandra, she;s a successful 27-year-old office worker who has a no-nonsense attitude and doesn't stand for anyone's crap... but like i said she doesn't like, take over me. so idk what that is. i've talked to multiple doctors about it and they won't say anything about it. i've only ever lost time twice in my life, but the case studies about DID that ive read about have the people losing time all the time. so i'd really like that figured out eventually....


but really, i just want to know how to refer to myself. ex-anorexic? ex-bulimic? ex-EDNOS? ex-total-screwup would probably cover it, since i've done everything from cutting to shoplifting to prostitution... but stopped it all. i just... wanna know my label. i wanna be sorted into my box.
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Old 04-05-2013, 08:34 AM   #6
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Alyssa, are you still seeing a therapist? It was my understanding that Dissociative Identity Disorder was where the person became someone else... like they didn't call on the personalities in their head, it was more like they BECAME those people. Does that make sense? I also have a form of dissociation, but just the type where you zone out and lose time.

Calling on the certain people... could that be like a form of schizophrenia?

If you don't mind me asking, are you on medication now?

As for the eating disorders... It is certainly common for a person with one type to eventually experience multiple types. I've had a few different types over the years and am currently trying to rid them all by healthy eating, and still letting myself have one day a week to cheat. This prevents me from binging.

Hope you're able to get help. Congratulations thus far on your weight loss!
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Old 04-05-2013, 10:00 AM   #7
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Alyssa, are you still seeing a therapist? It was my understanding that Dissociative Identity Disorder was where the person became someone else... like they didn't call on the personalities in their head, it was more like they BECAME those people. Does that make sense? I also have a form of dissociation, but just the type where you zone out and lose time.

Calling on the certain people... could that be like a form of schizophrenia?

If you don't mind me asking, are you on medication now?

As for the eating disorders... It is certainly common for a person with one type to eventually experience multiple types. I've had a few different types over the years and am currently trying to rid them all by healthy eating, and still letting myself have one day a week to cheat. This prevents me from binging.

Hope you're able to get help. Congratulations thus far on your weight loss!
no i can't afford a therapist, they're like $300/hr without insurance, and i only get food stamps, that is my ONLY income.

i'm ON antipsychotics though, so if it was schizophrenia, they wouldn't be here anymore.
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