I have struggled with weight all my life- from age 10.
I gain, I lose, I never maintain. I never feel "regular"
About a year ago I lost weight and got to a weight that I like (133) but it was unsustainable. To stay at that weight I began chewing and spitting (tasting food and then spitting it out) which is disgusting, wasteful, harmful to my teeth, etc.
That cost me upwards of $500. extra dollars a month in food and has destroyed my teeth. It also made my heart race weirdly and I felt absolutely compelled to do it as much as I could. I think it became a way to self soothe.
More recently I began to purge. Again, harmful, horrible, etc. I know. I am working with a Dr. on depression medication and a therapist. I know why I do it, (I think... childhood abuse)
Lately it's too much- I don't even know why I'm still trying to lose weight. I just feel so stupid- even now, even when my brain is in a constant state of food panic I'm trying to lose what? 10 pounds? To the detriment of my physical and mental health? I know that it is not right to sit for hours and just chew through bags and bags of food or to eat normally and then throw up.
I'm at 145 pounds, I'm 5'5 and I'm just now
just today really, realizing that weight loss shouldn't be my priority right now. I don't know why I'm so stupid.
I think I should try to maintain my weight but I've never
done that! I've been on a diet for over 15 years (25 now) and I'm just lost. I don't know how many calories to eat, what to eat, what to do with myself when I'm not eating or dieting.