***possible trigger warning***
Okay so let me first give a little history... and I apologize in advance for the rant!
I was anorexic as a preteen and teen... definitely underweight. I was active, horseback rode, swam competitively and was a cheerleader. Even though the activities were probably enough to keep me slender, I obsessed over each calorie and would often go 2 days without eating anything but water and 6-7 grapes. (And still feel guilty for that!)
Then when I was approaching my 22nd birthday I became stressed out and depressed, and the weight just packed on after starting an antidepressant. (Approximately 80 pounds over about 5-6 years!!!!!)
I would binge eat daily. Cookies, cakes, chips, nachos, fast foods, pizza, pastas... you name it, I ate it! It got so bad that I began isolating myself from everyone and everything I loved. I ended friendships because I was too embarrassed about the way I looked. I stopped going to family gatherings because I didn't want to be the "fat one." I wouldn't pose for any pictures, and I refused to go clothes shopping... preferring to wear pjs while I ate... in my room!
My later 20s, I decided this excess weight needed to GO. I stopped the binging and became obsessed once again with calorie counting and exercising. I'm far from skinny now, but am so afraid I'm going to end up TOO thin if I'm not careful.
Is it common to permanently have SOME kind of eating disorder?! I am SO tired of being preoccupied with foods. I just want to eat to live.
Just yesterday, I was told (by a very dear friend), "You always abuse your body somehow." Ugh. I'm exhausted. I wish there was a quick fix.