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Old 12-29-2012, 04:27 AM   #1
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All I can think about is food. Iím sitting here crying wishing I could be eating, but I know I canít because I know that eating means a few more pounds. I just wont stop gaining weight. How did I let myself get like this? I feel like I donít have the time or the means to do what it takes to lose weight. Yet I have the time to eat until I feel disgusting. I have the time to think about food all the time. I canít stand feeling like this. I feel like itís effecting everything in my life. Itís making me depressed which makes me unmotivated to do anything. I donít want my mom to know I feel depressed because sheíll just send me to a shrink. I donít want to be that person. I donít want help. The conversations I have about my weight now are just routine because I feel like nobody knows me. This problem is numbing. I donít want to be this way. I overeat all the time. Itís like my self control has gone out the window. I donít even recognize myself anymore. Every time I look in the mirror I see a disgusting, overaged, 19 year old. My body should not look like this. At least when pregnant women have stretch marks they have a reminder of life. And beauty. And how strong they were to bear those children. Mine are a constant reminder of how fast Iíve gained weight. I feel like Iíve tried everything. I feel hopeless. I feel like nobody understands me. I donít want to go see my mom because Sheís gotten so healthy and Iím a disappointment. Every time I see my dad all he wants to talk about is everyone around him that has lost weight. Even my sisters consider themselves struggling with their weights. I would KILL to look like them. Theyíre so beautiful and theyíve been that way their whole lives. But not me. Itís not even about inner beauty or confidence anymore. I just feel disgusting. Like I just want to hide. I want to starve myself for a year then come back a few pounds lighter just so Itíll look like everyone has something to be proud of. I donít think anyone would understand how many times Iíve considered committing myself to an eating disorder. I feel like Iíd be happier that way. At least Iíd be skinny. This has never been like me. I donít like reflecting on my sadness but I feel like I have nobody to talk to about it. I can talk to adam but I feel like heís just tired of hearing it. He loves me for who I am but sometimes Itís hard to believe it because I can hardly love myself. I wish there was somebody I could relate to without feeling ashamed of myself. Itís like Iím all talk no action. But I act for a little while and it works but then I get over confident. Why is everything always to good to be true? I just donít know where to start and I feel lost.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:50 AM   #2
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I am pretty sure I speak for everyone here when I say we are all here for you. Most of us have probably felt like u explain at one time or another. You got to stop punishing yourself first off. Learn to except help if u need it. I cried when I had to go see a therapist but then realized it was helpful to me. It was related to somethi g other than weight, but because of the therapy I received I was able to get out there and help myself through tough situations or just going to the gym and not feeling everyone was thinking what a fat girl I was. 2nd starving yourself is not going to make u thinner but sick. You can still eat and enjoy food, u just have to learn what u can or can not eat. I am losing weight and I eat three times a day and have snacks. Look up healthy recipes start working out at home if u r not ready to be seen. Well I am here for u if u wanna talk
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:54 AM   #3
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And. Never feel ashamed with me!
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:14 AM   #4
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Thank you very much. I just wish there was a rewind button on life so I could go back and undo everything that made me this way. I never realized how healthy I was before and took it for granted. I definetly regret it.
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Old 12-29-2012, 06:13 AM   #5
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There is no rewind button, but only forward. I think what you feel may be the rock bottom AA talks about, well consider it a time to change things. Some folks do it all at once, and others change one thing at a time.

I'm not sure how your living situation works, but if you live alone it is a lot easier to manage the kind of food in your house. Start by surrounding yourself with healthy snacks and food choices.

I did calorie counting and that worked for me...it keeps you more accountable for what you eat and you know exactly what you are putting in.

As far as physical activity goes it is always hard in the winter. Home workout videos are great if you don't have a gym.

Now write down what you do on average every day of the week. Look at the time you have and where you can exchange maybe facebooking or watching TV for some physical activity. Set it as a priority and do something, even walking.

I know how easy it is to make excuses and procrastinate as I am a queen at that. I know exactly how you feel as far as starting. You think about it alllll the time, the more you think about it the worse you feel about yourself and situation.

Start a diary here on the forum logging what you do every day from how much you eat to physical activity. It helps keep yourself accountable. You will miss days, but don't quit. You will see changes if you change even a little. You can do it
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:45 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brandiduhhh View Post
All I can think about is food. I’m sitting here crying wishing I could be eating, but I know I can’t because I know that eating means a few more pounds. I just wont stop gaining weight. How did I let myself get like this? I feel like I don’t have the time or the means to do what it takes to lose weight. Yet I have the time to eat until I feel disgusting. I have the time to think about food all the time. I can’t stand feeling like this. I feel like it’s effecting everything in my life. It’s making me depressed which makes me unmotivated to do anything. I don’t want my mom to know I feel depressed because she’ll just send me to a shrink. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want help. The conversations I have about my weight now are just routine because I feel like nobody knows me. This problem is numbing. I don’t want to be this way. I overeat all the time. It’s like my self control has gone out the window. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Every time I look in the mirror I see a disgusting, overaged, 19 year old. My body should not look like this. At least when pregnant women have stretch marks they have a reminder of life. And beauty. And how strong they were to bear those children. Mine are a constant reminder of how fast I’ve gained weight. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I feel hopeless. I feel like nobody understands me. I don’t want to go see my mom because She’s gotten so healthy and I’m a disappointment. Every time I see my dad all he wants to talk about is everyone around him that has lost weight. Even my sisters consider themselves struggling with their weights. I would KILL to look like them. They’re so beautiful and they’ve been that way their whole lives. But not me. It’s not even about inner beauty or confidence anymore. I just feel disgusting. Like I just want to hide. I want to starve myself for a year then come back a few pounds lighter just so It’ll look like everyone has something to be proud of. I don’t think anyone would understand how many times I’ve considered committing myself to an eating disorder. I feel like I’d be happier that way. At least I’d be skinny. This has never been like me. I don’t like reflecting on my sadness but I feel like I have nobody to talk to about it. I can talk to adam but I feel like he’s just tired of hearing it. He loves me for who I am but sometimes It’s hard to believe it because I can hardly love myself. I wish there was somebody I could relate to without feeling ashamed of myself. It’s like I’m all talk no action. But I act for a little while and it works but then I get over confident. Why is everything always to good to be true? I just don’t know where to start and I feel lost.


I am right there with you BrandiDuhhh, you can contact me anytime, I will be your friend.... I will try and be there for you whenever you need it…

I am at a cross road stoday that is a do or die time for me… I cry so often at the way I have let myself become what I am today…

But today is the start of a new life a fresh beginning and a new way of life.

I haven’t looked at myself in a mirror for over 6 years (actually took all mirrors and reflective surface out of the house.) I have only been wearing sweat pants and men’s size 3xxl t-shirts bought 25 sets all in black that’s all I wear every day, but today is the end of that…

I stepped on a scale I bought this am and cried for about 2hours…

The next tears I will cry will be for joy at reaching my goal…

Hugs and much love to you…

AN

Last edited by Spicylyfe : 12-29-2012 at 08:47 AM.
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Old 12-29-2012, 10:42 AM   #7
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Aw Brandieduhh - It doesn't feel good to be discouraged about your weight or your situation, but you are in the right place, and that's a great start. I would not recommend an eating disorder in ANY situation. There is a great deal of physical and psychological trauma that your body endures. But to start out, any changes you can make and make a committment to could really spur on other changes. Whether it's a committment to drink more water, going for a short walk or making a whole diet plan for yourself; you might find that when you get excited about something you ARE able to do right now this minute, you'll want to make other changes. I just found that for myself anyways. One small change of routine and that gets the whole thing moving. Anyways, I hope you are feeling better and that you have a happy new year.
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Old 12-29-2012, 11:38 AM   #8
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Yes, I'm new here but it seems like these folks actually understand. I know I do. I've found myself wishing thousands of times that weight loss was like a time series in the movies, like I could get on a treadmill and while my outfits might change I would step off a thin finished version of myself finally ready for public consumption. I am frequently bothered by the fact that they hardly even make exercise clothes for over weight people, considering we're the ones who need to work out anyway. Everything is frustrating.

But. Spend some time on the before and after pages on this site. Know that you still have sooo many years ahead of you and that anything can happen. While I unfortunately went from around my current weight down just below 200 and am now back I have lived a lifetime in those years. I have made best friends and fun and terrible partners in life. I have moved and changed jobs like 10 times. It sounds cliche, but you truly have the world at your fingertips and can do anything you want. Maybe you should set a peripheral goal related to work or school don't focus so much on changing yourself and instead spend time developing yourself. Okay, I'm getting super hippy-ish. But I'm glad you're here--I wish I knew about this site when I was 19. I wish had known anyone like me or had anyone to talk to but even though it wasn't that long ago it was even less accepted.

All that said, I'm here to commiserate with you, but I'll never discourage. As women we are amazing and powerful, mysterious emotional and sensual. But most of all, powerful. Tell yourself in the mirror, also cheesy--but it works! Look yourself in the eyes and say you can do it, if you don't believe it at first keep trying it really changes your brain.

Last edited by melfitstar : 12-29-2012 at 11:40 AM.
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Old 12-29-2012, 01:11 PM   #9
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I don't really know where to begin, but I can tell you're in a lot of pain. I wish I could just hug you.

First of all, you're not a dissapointment. Full stop. My own mother is very disappointed in me. That doesn't say anything about me, it says something about her. That doesn't make me a disappointment, it means she feels disappointed. You are not a disappointment.

You can only move forward and keep trying. As far as stretch marks go, I know that's frustrating. You feel like no matter what you do know, you've "ruined" your body. Do me a favor and consider this: If someone had cut scars because they struggled with self-harm, would you think it wasn't worth it for them to keep trying to get healthy? Would you think it was pointless and they ought to just keep going on the same path because of a few physical scars?

We all have struggles in life and sometimes they mark us. I was complaining about my stretch marks to my boyfriend a few weeks ago and he said, "I think they're great, it shows that you've lost weight."
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:12 PM   #10
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OP, can I ask what is creating this turmoil? Did something happen ?
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Old 12-29-2012, 03:44 PM   #11
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Honey, a lot of us are right there with you. This is a great forum to find the support you need. However, from what I read there is a lot of denial and maybe pride (hard headedness) in there. First, take a deep breath! We are all here because we have lost ourselves to overindulging in food. Secondly, you need support and love backing you. My mother is super fit and healthy, so I understand how you might feel like a disappointment. What you're really getting is more than likely a Mother's concern. You realize you're unhealthy and it will be visible to her, you, and others. The good news is YOU have the power to overcome it. I remember 19 very clearly - being overweight and not happy. It took me until now (26) to realize I have to take responsibility for my body, emotions, and habits. I will say this, now that I am eating correctly I'm not hungry, binging, or starving myself. I know the same can be true for you. When I mentioned responsibility I also mean adult responsibility. Caring for yourself is a BIG priority as an adult, which can be difficult to transition into. So, my question is, is it pride that keeps you from talking to your family? Perhaps talking to a behavioral therapist would be an option? It's ok to be"that" girl because I am "that" girl. I have dealt with OCD, anxiety, and depression since I was 12. Accept that you may need help to accept your feelings and skeletons in the closet.

Rewind button. Heh, I wish! Your twenties and thirties will be fabulous! You have so much time to accept yourself, grow, and get healthy! I'm here for you, as are others. You can do this!
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:14 PM   #12
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Thank you all so much for the encouraging words and support. It just seems so impossible and far away. I spend so much time trying to impress other people that I spent no time taking care of myself. I've started time and time again knowing that I wasn't healthy and got somewhere and every single time it's like I take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. I'm just hoping to keep moving forward now that I have people that can relate to me.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:16 PM   #13
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Quote:
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OP, can I ask what is creating this turmoil? Did something happen ?
Everyone around me is getting healthy and passing me up. I weigh the same as my boyfriend and that makes me so uncomfortable. But I think what really got me was when a grown man, 25-30 ish made fun of my weight. A GROWN MAN. Words hurt more than actions with me. I guess I'm just sensitive.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:37 PM   #14
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We all have regrets and sometimes wish we could go back in time. The good news is that u have a future, u can change everything u have wronged. Just believe in yourself. U can do it, I promise. I know how it feels when u think u have to satisfy everyone's needs, but u can't make everyone happy so why not start with yourself. U will notice when u r happy so will other be around u. Good luck. Start slow and u will get to where u want to be.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:57 PM   #15
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Oh honey. You're so young and have so much life ahead of you. Don't jump down the rabbit hole of eating disorders. It's a very dangerous disease that unfortunately kills so many YOUNG women and men. It doesn't let go easily and a lot of people never recover from it.

You can and WILL get healthy. It won't be easy and it will suck, but there are a lot of great people here to help you along the way. I'm just starting too, but you have to ask yourself if you want to be miserable and hungry now or miserable and overweight this time next year. That's my motivation. To not be at this same point next year.

You say everyone is passing you by and getting healthy. Can you join a gym with one of those people, trade recipes, call each other for encouragement? Either way, we're here.

Don't give up! You can do this!
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