So, last night, I finally told my boyfriend that I suffer from binge eating disorder.
And his reaction? It was basically just an 'I know'. He said he knew that there was something 'up' with my eating, but that he doesn't care (not in an uncaring way) what or how I eat, as long as I'm happy. He didn't really understand the compulsion to eat, since he said that he thought that surely knowing that it won't do me any good would stop me, but when I explained it further he was just like 'Ok, if you have that you have that'.
He's so incredibly supportive. We've been together for almost four years and I've hidden it from him for that long ... obviously not very well though! He essentially just hugged me and told me that he loves me no matter what.
Anyway, has anyone else told their friends/family/other people, and if so, what were their reactions?
Yea I told my husband and he was a bit clueless about it at first until I explained. He was very supportive when I went into therapy but honestly the issue of bingeing is so secretive for me that I know he feels pushed away when I'm in the thick of it. Not only that but when he has brought it up in the past it triggers major humiliation and anger in me and so I know he tip toes around me and avoids it a bit. He knows I'm working as hard as I can to find a solution to this problem and doesn't push me on it. I don't know how I feel about that but I also know I wouldn't like someone "monitoring" me either.
I've told my husband about my eating habits. In fact, we discovered our love for food together. Well, we became conscious of it as a couple, simply because last year we both put on 30-40 pounds. It was a stressful year, and we just rolled with it - literally!
We are in similar weight ranges for our genders, both in the "overweight" category. When we first met, we both said we wanted to be with someone who cares about their weight, especially as we're getting older. When we realized we had both put on some stress fat, we started talking about it.
We talked about the whys and hows of how we gained weight. It was simple: we ate to comfort ourselves for our individual stress, and turns out, we were good comfort and eating buddies - binging on pizza, Chinese food, and ice cream most nights and weekends. We were too bogged down by food to work out, so we just didn't. We were together and in love, so we were quite comfy with our fat selves.
When our pants didn't fit anymore, both of us having breathing and tummy issues, and being too tired/sore to last through intimacy, we talked some more. This time, we talked about how to lose the weight. We started cooking at home and going to the gym together. We tried working out together, but we needed different things, so we ended up doing our own thing.
We also tried being each other's "motivational coaches". This didn't work at all! We would have different strengths and weaknesses on any given day, and when I wanted my ice cream, I didn't want to be questioned on it. Nor, when he was eating half a pizza, did I want to be his nutrition coach and tell him what to eat. When it was that time of the month for me, I didn't want motivation - I wanted my chocolate bar, pjs, and a movie. When I was energetic and he was tired from law school, he didn't need an extra "push" to go for a run.
I'm thankful and fortunate that my husband understands what I mean when I say that I binge. He doesn't freak out, and he supports me when I tell him that I'm counting calories - again. Interestingly, my friends do not understand my issues with weight. They have told me that I shouldn't worry about my weight, I look beautiful, and that eating a lot whenever I want isn't a big deal. (To clarify, I'm working on my weight because my family has a history of arthritis, and at my heavier weight, I can feel it to the bone. I'm confident in how I look, but the lack of motion wasn't working out for me, so I went on this weight loss journey.)
To finish up this lengthy post, I think it's great to tell your friends, family, boyfriend about your eating challenges. If you already know how they'll react - great! If you're looking for something specific in their response, you may need to let them know what you're looking for in terms of support. I was surprised at both my friends freaking out and my husband's unwavering support (I was expecting my friends to understand my food/weight struggles, and I expected my husband to get tired of the constant talk of calorie counting and post-binge emotions). While I was pleasantly surprised for my husband's support, I wasn't ready for my friends' reactions. My friends' reactions actually pushed me to binge, which is why I suggest being prepared for unexpected reactions when you tell people about your struggles with food.
...Interestingly, my friends do not understand my issues with weight. They have told me that I shouldn't worry about my weight, I look beautiful, and that eating a lot whenever I want isn't a big deal. (To clarify, I'm working on my weight because my family has a history of arthritis, and at my heavier weight, I can feel it to the bone. I'm confident in how I look, but the lack of motion wasn't working out for me, so I went on this weight loss journey.)
... I wasn't ready for my friends' reactions. My friends' reactions actually pushed me to binge, which is why I suggest being prepared for unexpected reactions when you tell people about your struggles with food.
Best of luck!
I've told 2 friends about my disorder. Both of them looked at me with blank faces, told me that they support me, and never mentioned it again. I haven't brought it up either. I think maybe they don't understand that bingeing and NOT purging is a disorder in itself. Or maybe it strikes a cord in them that they don't want to face. Or they just don't know what to say to someone. I think if I was anorexic they might say "what can I do, how can I help, let's get you the help you need." But often times BED is associated with laziness, like we're too lazy to follow through on the purging or something or that they're questioning the legitimacy of the disorder as if it's something we're making up to excuse ourselves from the responsibility of eating correctly.
I agree wannabeskinny; I don't think people know what to say when you describe BED. I think that putting a label on BED for yourself strikes a chord with your friends to make them think "Hmm, do I overeat too?" and brings about confusion or a blank look when you're reaching out for support.
I noticed the same thing with my friends - the blank stare. It's not that they dont' want to help, but i think it's that they don't know how to help or what to say.
I also think that people don't understand that compulsion to binge. Even if they do it, I don't think they fully grasp the mindset and the lack of control that comes from the cycle. So, when I got into describing the binges, I think it freaked out my friends because it made them question if they have the same compulsion to binge.
That why I sought out a support forum like this. While it's great that my husband supports me, I need my own support network with people who experience the same eating compulsion. Glad I found this site! Just posting about these issues helps keep my urges in check.
<3
Last edited by coffeeshopgirl; 11-29-2012 at 12:39 PM.
well, since I told my boyfriend, each day he's been asking me how I'm feeling/whether I've had any negative thoughts/etc. He's not being too pushy or invasive, in fact it's nice to just talk about it openly finally. The fact that he doesn't offer any response is also nice, it's like he knows that I just want someone to listen so I don't just have all those thoughts bottled up inside me.
Also, I had a very awkward conversation with him tonight about how he hates people that eat and eat and eat because they feel upset about something, put on weight and then complain about putting on weight. So I won't be letting him know about my BED! Some people just cannot grasp the concept that there is no logic behind it when we're coming onto a binge.
So, when I got into describing the binges, I think it freaked out my friends because it made them question if they have the same compulsion to binge.
That why I sought out a support forum like this. While it's great that my husband supports me, I need my own support network with people who experience the same eating compulsion. Glad I found this site! Just posting about these issues helps keep my urges in check.
<3
You're right, it never feels right to describe my binges. It sounds a little crazy to other people who don't experience the same out of control feelings. I also think BED is misunderstood and not accepted as a real eating disorder. Most people think of a binge as "oh wow I ate too much at dinner last night" rather than what we know it to be (calculated, secretive, etc). I don't think I'll ever talk to anyone about BED again unless the disorder is a distant memory in my life which right now is not.
I know what you mean. I recently posted that I've gone 4 days without a binge. Last night I had a 300-400 extra snack, and today i had 3 doughnut holes. I don't consider those binges because they were controlled decisions.
For as much as I'm in control right now, the ability to binge is right at my fingertips. I am taking this one day at a time, and separating my food days into "really good day" (no deviation at all), "decent day" (an extra snack, but controlled), and a "get yourself back on track day" (ANY uncontrolled binge).
It's a scary yet motivating way to look at BED. One day at a time.
People don't understand that BED is a real disorder. I told a friend that I was getting treatment for it and she didn't understand why because I had lost weight and developed healthy habits like exercise and choosing healthier foods. She has a normal relationship with food and doesn't understand that, while I have lost weight, I struggle terribly with uncontrolled binges that leave me feeling guilty, angry, and worthless.
Since I have to leave work early two days per week for treatment, I had to tell my boss why. I just told her I had an eating disorder, and didn't bother going into details because she would just think I was lacking willpower or something. She just assumed I had anorexia or something since she said her niece has troubles with being unhealthily skinny and not eating (strange she would jump to the conclusion I have anorexia).
I'm glad your boss was seemingly supportive, and it was likely best not to go into detail. Professionally, it's none of her business. Personally, she jumped right to the popular disorder of anorexia. The important thing is that you're getting help for it.
As I get older, I realize more the lack of capacity people have for understanding things in general. It seems like if it's not in their immediate bag-of-behaviors, people have a tough time relating. I hope I stay open minded as I get older and more set in my ways. Because i have been starting to set in my ways, lol.
Congratulations on your weight loss KKF - I saw your ticker, 139 lbs - awesome!!
Coming clean to friends and family
