one time the can opener that was already on the can broke, and when i tried the household can opener, it wouldn't cut into the lid of the can, so i proceeded to bang the lid with the household can opener. when that didn't work i used a fork and knife. when that worked just enough to put a hole in the metal, i pried the can lid open with my bare fingers to where they were raw, red, and nearly bleeding.
yeah, i've had some awful binges before. and the thing is, all that work and i can't even remember what was in the can that i wanted to eat so badly.
I finally came to realize that bingeing for me is not about pleasure. I was punishing myself for whatever infraction I perceived I was doing. Mostly I would get upset that I was not standing up for myself in social situations, or that I would be angry inside and not let anyone know. Lots of repression of emotions came out in the only release I knew how to do....hurt myself for feeling and thinking the thoughts I had by stuffing my face. I deluded myself into thinking I was just going off my diet and overeating, but it soon proved to be something else entirely. I was bingeing to stuff down feelings and keep them there. My ultimate goal in bingeing was to knock myself out and sleep.
I gave my binge monster a name, he is my sleeping dragon (in my avatar). I do things to keep him asleep. Like nurture myself, find positive things in life to wonder about, by eating real food and all from a small bowl. I take long hot baths in candlelight to soothe ruffled fears and I take walks when I can. When I find myself staring into the cabinet for food, or pressing my nose against the bakery window....I am attempting to wake him up and I become conscience of it....I ask myself, do you really want to wake him...feel sick and even more emotional than whatever is bothering me now? It helps me to personify that thing inside me that makes me eat out of control and stuff I don't even like!
Yes, do seek help and advice and take a look at what it is doing to you in your life and find your personal working solutions. Have your read any of Geneen Roths books? Wonderful thoughts about breaking free of the compulsion to binge. Hope you find your path soon!
Last edited by mysleepingdragon; 07-31-2012 at 10:30 AM.
Sometimes I eat lunch with my co-workers. Then, later, I tell them I am going out for a coffee to McDonald's, but I have a large fries with it. Then I buy chocolates or snacks and eat them at my desk.
Yes, I have done this too. A can of garbonzo beans topped with any condiment I had in the fridge. I have also eaten frozen bread out of the freezer. I used to keep the bread in the freezer thinking it would make me not binge on it but no such luck. And I have been in such a frenzy to eat it that I could not even wait 30 seconds to thaw it in the microwave. I also have to keep all potential binge foods out of my house. Sometimes after a binge I will have leftover goodies and I have such a hard time throwing them out because I know at some point I will binge again and hate to waste money. Binging is so expensive. I always think I am so full there is no way I will want them tomorrow and believe I will be fine knowing that stuff is in my cupboards or in my freezer. But everytime they do me in the next day. I have learned the best thing to do is to throw anything leftover out and spray windex or something on them in the garbage to prevent me from digging them out. Although I just hate doing this, I think it actually saves money in the long run by reducing the chance of the next day binge where I'd probably make another trip to the store for more stuff.
How long have you been going through this? I have went through this problem before but it only lasted about a month or so and than I realized how embarrassing it was to be doing these stupid binges even if there wasn't anyone around. I think eventually you will get over this phase, hopefully sooner rather than later.
I had a period in my 20s when I went on epic binges, but never in my life have I binged on foods I didn't love. However, my behaviour was disordered in other ways: I would spend the entire day taking the bus from one gourmet eatery to another (all planned out in advance) to pick up all my favourite foods, then eat the whole thing within about an hour in the evening.
F.
This is me, literally everything I like to eat in one day. And then feeling like crap during and afterward.
Sometimes I eat lunch with my co-workers. Then, later, I tell them I am going out for a coffee to McDonald's, but I have a large fries with it. Then I buy chocolates or snacks and eat them at my desk.
This too, and it leaves me feeling secretive and creepy.
I can identify with the insatiable hunger. I have eaten a can of chocolate powder, because I didn't have anything else that resembled sweets. I get to the point where nothing I put in my mouth makes me full or satisfied. I want to eat everything, and eat as fast as possible so that I can eat more.
