The scale got me. I weighed in at 197 this morning. My whole mood was dampened. My eating has not been great. But I will NOT sink into the dark pit of no return. I will not keep eating crap because "it doesn't matter" and I will never lose the weight. blah blah.
One weigh in IN THE SCHEME of things. I am on a downward trend and THAT IS WHAT COUNTS.
Putting up the chips, and will total calories and plan dinner.
so scale was still adamant about the 197. I didn't let it get to me, then I got stressed about my appt tomorrow and all the pre-employment stuff. I actually am confused about when my appt is scheduled for. The recruiter called today and said we were rescheduling my 2pm appt for friday at 1pm, but I have an 8 am appt tomorrow. Or so I think??? When she hung up, she said we'll see you Friday. So does that mean my appt for yesterday was rescheduled to 1pm and I still have an appt at 2 pm on Friday? uuuughgggh. Now is NOT the time for CONFUSION and brain farts.
On top of that, I waited to print out the forms, and my PRINTER WOULD NOT WORK, what kind of crap is it when you CAN'T PRINT something in black ink because you are OUT OF MAGENTA!!!!!
I was so stressed, I ate ALL of the rest of the pecan bars I made. I shouldn't lie to myself. I bake goods---I eat goods. period. This only happens when I bake. If it's prepackaged--I'm fine to let it sit. I bake, and I eat it ALL.
dang, I guess I will call to the apartment about my 8am appt at 7:15. That will give me enough time to figure it out.
ONE GOOD THING. it was not a 2000 calorie binge. It was only a 1600 calorie binge. I will take the positive side of this. I finished the day with 2600. Scale won't be moving down any time soon, but I'm ok with that for now.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm still reading and cheering for you! I can relate to your pecan bars binge. I over-eat when I bake, too.... Stick with it, hang in there, you can do it!!!!
Thanks so much ravens. I need to recognize pitfalls. The day before an important appt, is definitely a trigger for me. I do have to say I was much better behaved because normally I start on ONE food, and move the next in rapid succession in sort of a "screw it, I already blew it attitude". SO I am still seeing improvement.
we went to sonic, and got icecream, well shakes. I wanted the coconut pie milkshake, they just had the blue coconut cream slush. I drank some, I drank some cherry limeade. I am NOT used to all that sweet and cold and I got sick to my stomach.
I don't like that feeling. I genuinely got sick instead of purged because I got nauseous from all the sugar. I think I will stick to my own homemade shakes. Which have alot less sugar.
ugh, today was just NOT a good day. I turned to the solace of food. I did try something that COMPLETELY back fired on me. Maybe I will learn from it.
Woke up, very stressed, had a cup of coffee, went to my appt, very stressed. Came back. Still very stressed. Very tired. ONLY 3 hours of sleep. Avoided food because was still sleepy, finally snacked on some sun chips and milk.
had a HUGE fight with SO. Was crying, MAD, decided to make dinner, tasted dinner several times before it went on the table. Ate dinner, but wanted to go for icecream (Icecream is COMFORT). Went and got some, but decided I wanted my cherry limeade, but then tried the icecream slush--big mistake. Made me sick. Decided I shouldn't eat anymore tonight.
THEN. got hungry. All I wanted was a chicken patty. Went into the freezer. icecream was stil there, started to eat it, but still wanted chicken.
finally put icecream down, but now my hunger for the chicken was too much. I had 2 instead of 1.
So, I avoided food earlier, instead of tracking what I finally ate because I thought not eating very much would just set off a binge, and instead NOT tracking set off a binge.
Today was just NOT my day. I failed again. I used icecream for comfort food and probably finished today around 3000 calories.
I am very stressed, and feel LIKE NO ONE is in my corner, I feel ALONE and I am scared. food seems to be the only NON frightening familiar thing around here.
You are not alone, Jen!
I think that the high-carb foods you have been eating make it very hard for you to control yourself. My advice is that you go low-carb --really low-carb-- for a week or two. That will make your cravings practically disappear, believe me. After that controlling yourself will be far easier.
For some time I read the Radiant Recovery web page... it helped me, not exactly to lose weight, but to be in control. Hope this helps!
I know how hard this is for you, and I struggle with a lot of the same things, too. I know it's hard. I know it's hard to keep picking yourself back up. Just out of curiosity, what is your eating pace or emotional state during some of these episodes? I know for me, when I binge, I am frantic/nervous/stressed, and I am usually eating very quickly. If you can take a few seconds before the next time you are craving something sugary, write down how you feel, and afterwards see if you still want the food. (I know for me, most times I don't give myself that few seconds to think about what I am doing) because I just want to numb myself out. OR, just tell yourself you are going to eat something like ice cream, then you are going to eat it slowly in order to enjoy it. Most of the time I find that if I eat it slowly I will stop a lot sooner because I'm like "why the f am I doing this?" and I realize I'm just eating out of self-loathing and misery.
I know it's hard when things at home aren't great. When my SO and I fight, it puts me in a foul mood and the first thing I turn to is food.
Just know that we are here, and we are rooting for you
well, my low carb days kept me under control, but on the "off" days started to lose control again.
Friday, I was so stressed and run down, I ate about 800 calories total. I did low carb.
Saturday, I had so much fun, I ate decently.
Sunday, complete out of control behavior, especially with the soreness from saturday, and some comments from the inlaws that bothered me. . .
Still trying to recover today, but I am emotionally, and physically MISERABLE.
I had a few episodes of b & p between last night and this morning.
I think I am just too tired to eat. What I eat doesn't make sense, because I am too tired to go in there and make healthy foods I guess.
I am depressed because I keep having flare ups of pain with my hip and feet, or maybe the depression goes with the flares?
raven, I also eat very fast when I am in binge mode. I hate how I feel when I actually stop and look at what I have done.
the 3 hourse of sleep I got seemed to reset my binge craziness. I am still very stressed about starting work, and I know eating is not going to help that.
well, this last round of low carb--I didn't do too hot. I tried. For the next couple of days I didn't even track. I DO CARE. I DON'T want to gain back the weight.
My eating has been out of control for the past couple of days. i am sure I took in at least 3000 for the past couple of days.
Back to tracking tomorrow, today, I MIGHT be able to add up how much I ate, it will be a good idea to assess the damage, so i can get over it and get back on track.
well, I did it again. I am pissed off. My teenager is REALLY frustrating me. I gave him a list of chores to do today. He wanted to get up in the middle of the night and play his x-box until all hours of the morning. This is NOT allowed. So I grounded him and gave him chores. He totally slacked on the chores. Left laundry all over the house, went to bed with the living room a mess, I feel like he is doing it ON PURPOSE. I was going to pay him per load, but his quality is so poor! I'm so sick of asking him to do stuff over and over.
Plus, I'm really stressed about my paper, and starting a new job.
in addition, my stupid dog ran away, and OF COURSE. Nobody knows how he got out. I hate that everyone plays stupid. If you left the door open, the dog got out--duh.
PLUS, I have a clogged milk duct and that shiz hurts! I have tried to pump to relieve it, and it just won't.
so I binged on chocolate covered oat thins, I ate one whole box, and at a fiber bar. I wish I had chocolate (plain) I would just eat that, but I don't.
my stomach hurts (gassy like, not full like).
tomorrow, I will do much better.
I felt like a total idiot and ASHAMED telling the endocrinologist I had a binge disorder. he totally didn't take me serious after that.
Jen, as I read you last post I got to thinking that maybe it would be good for you to count blessings too. Venting about what makes your life difficult is a great way to feel better; sometimes and for some people it also works to look around and think about those things that make you happy. I used to complain about my boys sucking at school, and then they grew into affectionate, hard working young men and I came to realize I had never thought of how good they were in aspects I never considered important. You are breastfeeing, for instance, and it is hard work. I could never breastfeed past the first month because I stopped producing milk. My babies cried a lot because they didn't like the bottle, and seeing them so tiny and weak made me feel such a bad mom! You are lucky you can breastfeed! See what I mean? Come on, you must have some blessings to count... Tell us!
