Hi all. For anyone that doesn't know, I've been trying to recover from a starve/ binge ED for a little over a year, but I've been doing this for about 15 years. I'm making progress. Occasionally I still restrict, eating like 1000 cals in a day which is a huge improvement, since it used to eat like 400 cals a day when restricting. And occasionally I still binge, which I felt was improving, because I used to binge for days, even weeks, stuffing myself with food until I felt ill. Now I seem to be able to get back on track after one night of binging.
One thing I never did was hide my binge. My husband knows I have this problem, and even if he wasn't home I never felt hte need to hide the evidence, or if he was home I never felt the need to sneek. Mostly because he binges as well. He doesn't restrict though and has always been accepting of my binges but critical of my restricting.
Resently he has decided to take hold of his binging. And he's doing really well! But if I were to binge, he follows my example. SO I am responsible for the both of us. He in no way tries to help stop a binge, once I give the green light (by saying I would like a treat, which nearly always turns into way too much food, he's on board) Its like he's go no strength to say no, he just does what I do...
So last night he was working until 9pm. I had the urge to binge all day, TOM is coming, and I get like this every month. I did good staying on plan, until the evening. I had some extra cashews, a glass of wine, and a single serving of half hte fat ice cream. I had only went over my calories but like 300 since I weighed/ measured all of it. The I realized it was like 8:45 and he would be off in 15 mins and home like 15 minutes after that. And for the first time ever a panock set in. Not only could I not binge in front of him, but I couldnt let him know I over ate. I started to panick that whatever craving I didn't satisfy now, I couldn't have tonight once he got home.
I ended up eating over 1000 cals extra, and hid the evidence....
It was an aweful feeling that I had never experienced. WHen he got home I was stuffed. He said he was hungry and that he would ahve a bowl of cereal. A good choice, instead of binging, he was making the effort to eat responsibly, eat a controled serving of cereal...and I had a bowl too.
And it appeared as though we both did well that day with our eating, only I didnt and he doesnt know.
I'm worried this is going to lead to binges on days he works...Like he's working today, but is off the next three days after today. I'm concerned I will binge only because I feel the need to be perfect the next three days after today. This is a new behavoir for me and I cant imagine it helps in the recovery of my ED...I'm afraid it will make it worse, cause a relapse , add an extra behavoir I will need to now work on resolving.
Sorry so long. Thanks for reading whoever read the whole thing.