Hello Amy...
My heart just aches for you. I have never admitted that I struggle with bulemia in public before. Your letter gave me the strength to do so. There has been so much sorrow in your life, I wish I could just embrace you and somehow ease the pain.
I really admire that you are protective of your children and I bet you are a great and fun mommy too. I would just like to share a wee bit of my story.
I'm also a nurse and congratulate you for joining our ranks. There is a similarity in our childhoods, I was chubby and also had 3 gorgous slim sisters. They could be quite harsh with their comment about my size. So I always felt fat and ugly, still do most of the time. I did the diet yo-yo thing forever, as you know that will never work.
Recently I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer, I've had both boobs removed and now have lymphoma. During my first chemo I had a lot of nausea and vomiting. This was the trigger for a huge period of purging. Ironically my drugs made me gain weight at a alarming rate ( lots of steroids ). I found myself purging after almost every meal. Everyone thought it was the chemo so I could be quite public about it. It has been 2 years since my lastI V chemo sessions ( I'll always be on lower dose daily meds,) and I still occasionally purge. My onocologist has suggested I go on a low Carbohydrate program. In just a few months I am down 25 lbs, but more importantly I feel so much better and more in control. I've started going to a cancer support group which really helps as well. There is a lot of discussion about body image and it seems like everyone hates things about their bodies...Hee Hee
We are more normal then we think.
I have no magic pill or genie
to help you. But I do have a compassionate heart and a willing spirit to offer a wee bit of advice. I think you should recognize some of the wonderful areas of success in your life. You have done some great things and obviously have a heart to help others. Please bring some of that same love and kindness into your own life. You are a special gal and just the fact that you were born is a miracle!!
Just try to focus on each day and moment. Let go of failures in the past, acknowledge past moments you are proud of, but let them go... Be in this moment. Do the day!!! This is how I live my life now and I can't tell you how happy I am. I tell people how I feel and if I appreciate them I tell them now. If they have hurt me I tell them in that moment. I live in much more truth. Your message has inspired me to even more truth and I thank you for that.
I think runnergirl had some very good advice. Find a support group. Ther are lots of free one's out there. You need the feedback and opportunity to share your story and inspire others. You are in my prayers Amy... Please be well... Lori