My mother passed on her bad eating habits to me. We ALWAYS had a afternoon snack, after dinner snack and a bedtime snack. NO MATTER WHAT! Also, none of it was healthy. It was almost always fruit snacks (those candy jelly things), or icecream, or potato chips. If we refused healthy snacks, mom never made us eat them. We never had to eat the broccoli on our plate, we always were allowed dessert (and what kid doesn't turn down dessert) and we were allowed to raid the cupboards whenever we wanted.
This continued into my teenage years. Itchyban (ramen noodles in the USA), Kraft Dinner and potato chips were a staple in our house. Along with those frozen canned juices. We were never told to drink water or milk or anything. It amazes me that my mom was a size 4 all the way until I was about 6. Then the weight slowly piled on over the years and she is now a size 14.
I've had to teach myself healthy eating habits and recipes and am still learning that food is not a cure for bordem, it is something you eat to survive.
Thinking back to when I was a young child, I don't ever really remember thinking much about food...what I was eating, how much or how little. I was always taller than kids my age and never what you would call thin, but not fat. I think i was pretty normal. I always felt "fat" though because I was just physically larger than kids that were my age and even older. (In 5th grade, I was 5'6 and by the end of my 7th grade year, i was 5'11. In the 70's it wasn't all that common as it is now) Even though I played sports in jr. high and high school, I always felt awkward and self-concious. I remember being embarrassed in high school of my long, muscular legs because they were bigger than everyone elses. (What I wouldn't do to have them back again!!!!) I guess though in Jr. High and High School I probably started using food as a solace since I didn't have many friends and certainly no dates. Not that I was unattractive, I was just painfully shy and awkward. So, while I've definitely overcome my shyness, I guess not much else has changed. Yes, I did eventually begin to date and even got married, though my insecurites led me to marry someone who was controlling and abusive. During the 10 years of my miserable marriage, where did I turn for comfort? Food, of course. Over the years, I've lost 50 lbs, gained 60 lbs, lost 40 lbs, gained 20 lbs, etc. Food has always been something I could turn to for comfort when I needed it. It always has time for me, I can have whatever I want, whenever I want. I'm tired of living that way. I'm almost 50 years old and have a lot of things I still want to do before I die. I saw this quote not long ago that has certainly helped me slowly change my way of thinking: "What would you do if you loved yourself?" Powerful question, don't you think?
Like a lot of people , emotional eating and going into details, I ate because I was told to and it made me feel I was doing my father a favor. My parent would get into a fight, and she would apologize and make everyone feel better with sweets, it was associated with forgiveness and care. Whenever I needed it I went to food, then realizing it's not working it would lead to rude awakening and panic attack and I would binge. Control and bingeing is underlies my weight issues, but something else underlies this whole thing
I think for me it was being a latchkey kid who loved food. I had unrestricted access to food for a significant part of the day, almost every day, long before I understood the principles of healthy eating or what I was doing to my body.
I can remember getting home after school and eating like fifteen cookies, an entire bag of chips, and whatever else I could find. By the time I started to notice or care about my weight, I was already pretty big and had established some truly awful eating habits which are hard to break to this day.
My step father was, among many things, very controlling about food. I remember many nights that I was forced to sit at the dinner table and finish everything on my plate, even the fat on meat, summoned sometimes even as late as 12 or one in the morning. (Also my mother is a terrible cook.) So I started stealing food from the fridge and convenience stores to hide in my room.
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I was depressed, I never had anything good to eat and after I got a job at 15 they stopped giving me lunches for school or money to buy my own. I ate a lot of junk that my school sold in the snack bar because I couldn't afford a whole lunch.
I was 10, in the 5th grade and suddenly got a high from the toast with butter and sugar I was eating like never before. I felt weird. I know NOW that it was probably a blood sugar wigginz. And it was 21 yrs later that I was dx'd with PCOS/IR, which I've had all my life. Just never put the childhood AN and the skin tags together til it was added to the irregular periods and the mysterious weight gain that came in teenagerdom and in early 20's. Also the bad sleep pattern/stress/anxiety.
I always thought my AN were birth marks or something. But I was clearly IR.
1. I ADORE FOOD
2. I wasn't taught how to cook until i was in my early 20's
3. I was taught to cook pre packaged foods.
4. I may not be as "funny" if I'm thin
5. My MIL told my Dh before we were married 20+ yrs ago that I was the type of girl that would just continue to gain gain gain ... Guess I've been proving her right.
10 yrs ago I started to really experiment in cooking and now I have a food blog and I make about 2 to 4 new recipes a week. Now although I have eaten healthy for the past 10 years I DO NOT PRACTICE PORTION CONTROL.
Portions are my down fall.
I'm counting cals now so HOPEFULLY it works out
The sheer comfort of food. The excitement of finding, hiding, and stuffing my face with food. When I was lonely, angry, sad, upset..food. food. food. food.
I remember my dad caught me when I was young (maybe 9 or 10) and I had just eaten a whole jar of honey roasted peanuts. He was really angry. My parents used to hide goodies to ration them..which only made me want them more.
Last edited by summerlove; 03-07-2012 at 02:24 PM.
I throw myself into things, and I let other areas go in my life. If I am studying, all I do is study and everything else falls apart (weight loss and regain). Same with finding an apt (weight loss and regain period) or a job (weight loss and regain).
I am very self critical. As bad as my family or worse. My family is critical and controlling. I wish that they were either one or the other, but it sometimes feels like I get the worst of both worlds. I am glad that I moved out.
I am a people pleaser and I would have done anything to make people like me to the point where it makes me spineless. I blame myself if people criticize me even if I know in the back of my mind that it could be them and not me.
I work hard and never treat myself and if I do try to, my heart isn't in it.
I worry about hypothetical situations a lot.
However, I am also critical of people, even if I don't express it. Sometimes I wonder if thats because thats how I grew up - always being nitpicked.
I can give people objective advice, but ask me how I feel and I choke up. I can't express my feelings, only garble.
All this stuff makes me a go-getter, but to the point where it stresses me out and I take it out with eating.
But it has to stop at some point. I can't be a binger forever. I know that part of it is trigger foods and I have to toss the bread. Another part is the emotional problem and I have to address that as well.
I have to forgive and appreciate myself and really mean it.
Pixellate-we are very much alike, I could have written the same! *hugs*
my other issue is that I push my feelings down with food, lots of food... in a continuous grazing binge. I did well for the first 2.5 weeks and I started feeling super depressed without my "medicine"(food) thankfully I haven't gained back anything but I am having a hard time balancing my emotions without being able to "cope" using food. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and impress myself when giving advice but I definitely have an emotion disconnect with myself. I am afraid of change and even more afraid of failure. Working on these issues took the backseat when nursing school started over a month ago but I am in a groove now so hopefully I can get back to it. I did well today. Stayed in my calories and free of cravings
Last edited by TiffNeedsChange; 03-07-2012 at 11:32 PM.
Reason: Typo
I'm tired of living that way. I'm almost 50 years old and have a lot of things I still want to do before I die. I saw this quote not long ago that has certainly helped me slowly change my way of thinking: "What would you do if you loved yourself?" Powerful question, don't you think?
*hugs* I was in an abusive relationship for 5the years and it can really mess you up... that is when I started gaining my large amounts of weight and it got worse after I left him. I love that quote, I think I would like to get that engraved on a bracelet!
Yes. I hide behind my fat and I blame it for my failures. I find that when I'm feeling too vulnerable, too exposed, I tend to eat more because when I am heavier, I feel less afraid, like I'm wearing armor. I feel like I am a bit more invisible, anonymous, or un-noticeable behind it. It's led to stress eating, but only when it's a certain kind of stress -- it's like I'm afraid to face myself. Unfortunately, it doesn't actually help me. I do know the source of the problem, that the event in question caused me some serious body image issues, but I haven't yet conquered them. A certain traumatic event in my life really undid my ability to deal with criticism and control; my family is loving but controlling and critical and manipulative; I am highly self-critical and blamed myself for a loss of agency in a crucial moment during something traumatic and it's led to a bit of self-loathing. In some ways, staying fat is a way of holding on to control because it is a rebellion against the control imposed on me and my image by others. It's also self-defeating because I don't like being fat, but, I prefer it to being told I shouldn't be. Cutting off my nose to spite my face, maybe. I think that losing the weight while creating awareness of why I'm holding on to the weight will help me get over both the trauma in my past and the weight problem in my present....now, if only I could stick to it and not panic and retreat into this kind of behavior. I go long periods of time without eating and then periods of time where I'll only eat very fattening things (candy, ice cream, chips, coffee drinks) and then once I've gained a few pounds, I'll exercise or diet to bring it back down, but I seldom manage to hold on to positive progress on my weight loss journey in the face of emotional obstacles. I don't like to eat. I try to avoid eating in front of others, though I don't mind tasting things or eating pastries or fruit in front of others or drinking beverages. I know I've got issues and I think I'm working on them....
Last edited by neon_zephyr; 03-13-2012 at 06:35 PM.
I think there are several reasons for why I have a propensity for overeating.
One reason is that I have always been very shy and reserved. I have come out of my shell, so to speak, in the last 5-10 years, but as a child I was painfully shy and probably even had social anxiety. I always had a few close friends, but even just going to school and interacting with new people caused a great deal of stress. I found that food was the emotional comfort and, to be honest, the company that I craved. If I was feeling anxious, food was there to comfort me. If I was lonely, food was the friend I needed. Because of this, I was always a little overweight throughout my childhood. Not super obese (because I played sports), but definitely not small. This was compared to my brother, who was small for his age and was a stick.
Which leads me to the second reason I overeat...my mother was constantly monitoring what I ate and criticized every piece of food that went into my mouth. She would buy unhealthy snacks for the house, but only my brother was allowed to freely eat them. If I reached for a cookie, it was "You don't need that" or "Eat an apple instead". I felt like the foods I really wanted to eat (pizza, cookies, chips) were constantly being deprived of me. Because of this, whenever we would order pizza for dinner or go to restaurants, I would eat like there's no tomorrow. Mainly because I had this weird subconscious feeling that I never knew when I would get to eat this food again. One of my main problems now is needing to tell myself "you'll eat pizza again in your life, this is not the last slice you'll ever have". I always have to remind myself of that because I've developed this idea that tasty food is a very occasional thing and I need to eat as much as possible of it. It's also the reason I started sneaking food. I don't really do this anymore, but until I graduated high school and moved away, I felt like sneaking food was the only way to eat what I wanted without criticism or dirty looks.
I don't know if that mindset makes sense to anyone, but I do feel that it's a large contributor to my overeating and emotional eating problems today.
My doctor thinks it stems from childhood sexual abuse. That I ate for comfort and to ward off sexual advances. Like that if I gained a ton of weight I could avoid the abuse. I think I agree. One of the things that has me panicking about losing weight is men approaching me. I don't know if I can handle that.
I ate in boredom and for comfort. My parents would chastise me if I snacked between meals so I'd hide food a lot. That's probably when the ED started.
